


Lock-Down

by AwatereJones



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe, Boredom Buster, F/M, Fun, Gen, Interactive Fiction, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 44,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23294113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: do you want to play a game? Let's play...we are all bored already .. lord help us so maybe this will help. Comment as much as you like (positively of course) and i will try to build thr story around your thoughts and ideas ... right?
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Owen Harper/Toshiko Sato
Comments: 103
Kudos: 70





	1. Chapter 1

Ianto looked up as Jack stalked past, the usual face of doom as he held a file aloft and made a b-line for Gwen's desk. He didn't have to hear the words to know Jack was pissed, her grimacing and flinching now and then making the point as much as his stance.

Oh well … poor perfect Gwennie, eh?

Great. No he felt terrible thinking so …. Meanly. Man. Ianto sighed and sat back as he contemplated how to intervene with a half-hearted attempt to save her when it happened. The sound of klaxons that had Jack pausing, mid-tirade to turn and stare at Ianto with shock.

What the…

.

.

.

.

OK. We are all effectively grounded. We are all in so much trouble that the Earth Mother has sent us to our rooms. SIGH .. I was wondering of you mandems would like an interactive story to help pass the time. I will check the comments once a day, then write the chapter that is most wanted.

Like…

Right now.

What did Gwen do?

Is this a virus? Is that too scary and real … maybe we want something else with the same lockdown results so we get a little silly multi-chap story to pass a few weeks, eh?

Maybe it's an Alien invasion and the Doctor has it under control, so they have to stay out of the way.

Zombies?

Rat Plague? Frogs that spit acid?

Gas in the atmosphere from a venting spaceship?

Let's get our thinking caps on and come up with some idea here and watch the team shut-in. Anything could happen. Ianto could poison anyone in the coffee… Gwen could shoot someone and Owen will definitely have a tantrum at some stage.

Right?


	2. and we are off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pm10261 Would love for Gwen to do something wrong, she caused the problem by being too good very everyone, she should have done or told someone she had seen an alert, thought she could fix it and has now set off an inter planetary conflict, an Alien races is pissed off and has let losse a virus, or threatening to , but make it funny, please.  
> .  
> Frogchen Maybe... she has started a program from Tosh. And now there is a ripple in space to a parallel-universe. Someone big comes threw - and now the hub get lockdown because of the invaders!  
> .  
> KatWillow60 A Rift spike of unusual size has occurred in Splott, of course. Gwen is left at the Hub. They are still cleaning up after her last disastrous encounter with An Alien tech retrieval. But when the team, Ianto, Jack, Tosh, Owen, and Kev reach the site they don't find just a piece of tech but a group of ?  
> .  
> Frogchen Splott? That's brilliant.  
> .  
> FF Comments  
> DarqueQueen7 Earthquake is a bit too close for you. How about Alien Invasion? Add the 11th and 12th Doctors, if you can! I think Peter Capaldi's accent would drag a corresponding accent out of Jack...that would be funny as Hell!  
> Toka2277 Snowstorm, Sharknado?

OK, you all be crazy but I can see something here …. Let's see….

* * *

2

"Jack?" Tosh called over her shoulder as she swung in her chair "Rift spike!"

"Where?" Jack bounded down the stairs like a toddler high on sugar, his coat flying so high the coattails were almost shoulder level. Ianto looked up from his cleaning to frown as they had been suffering an incredibly boring day as it was … now action stations. Gods, he knew a clean-up would probably be epic. The damp cloth in his hands was dropped into a nearby bin.

"Splott" Tosh frowned, "Ew."

"Er… I think they pronounce it 'Sploe' in the real estate brochures" Ianto deadpanned and Jack shot him a grin, the excitement level rising as Jack loved drifting the SUV around those quiet streets. Even if Ianto HATED the complaints and threats of infringement notices Gwen would have to fend off with him later.

"Right, let's go. Er … hang on … who is going to man the fort? Owen is still doing that interview thingee with the man from the Weevil fight last night." Jack hesitated "I still can't believe a man simply punched one out of a bar's back door onto it's arse and scolded it like it was a bad dog. I really want to watch THAT footage again."

"Well … he did look fit sir" Ianto said softly, enjoying the momentary drop in grinning velocity before Jack came back twice as fast. He was a fit looking bloke, sort of Jason Momoa with a mix of the Rock. Mmmmmmm.

"Yeah? Maybe I should shag him then" Jack quipped, flying up the steps to the doors as Ianto stopped walking, the bite sharp.

"I'll stay, I have a few things to do here. I will wait for Owen." Gwen offered, her finger poised on the mouse as the latest wedding picture on Pintrest popped up.

"OK… don't … don't touch my stuff" Toshiko said like a petulant teenager "I am running a diagnostic on Mainframe and do NOT want her interrupted ok?"

"One time … I stopped a programme mid-run cycle one time and I learned my lesson. Honest!" Gwen rolled her eyes and waved her hands at them, "Go on. Piss off."

They clambered into the SUV and Ianto reached up to touch his earwig, "Owen? You there you little tosser?"

" _Yeah shit-stain"_

Ianto grinned "We are coming to Splott where you are to look into a rift spike. Wanna meet us there? Or go back to base to watch Gwen peruse bridal gowns on the net?"

" _Oh god. She still doing that? Nah. I will … what the fuck was that."_

"Was what?" Ianto's smile slid as he heard the alarm in Owen's voice. "Owen? Sound off mate."

" _I … shit, you are not gonna believe this. It's … it looks like some sort of funnel or something … like in the wizard of Oz, the stupid tornado effect but it's green and not touching the ground. I don't know…. It looks like a finger."_

"Well … don't do anything .." Ianto leaned forward and peered out of the windscreen and then pointed "There. Jack, look. See that?"

"I do" Jack snarled as he swung the wheel and they crossed a median strip. Stupid things, so bad for the suspension when you jump one doing almost 100kph … don't know why they put them in his way really.

" _Something is coming out… wait… it's … it's a …"_

"Blue box" Ianto said tonelessly, "Is it a blue box?"

" _Yeah. Another one"_

"What do you mean another one?" Jack demanded with shock.

" _Well, one is already circling the stuff, now another one has popped to of it and they are doing some sort of dance."_

"Jack?" Ianto turned to face him "Not sure I like this scenario. Are like… sharks gonna pop out next to eat us all?"

"Nah!" Jack snorted "Sharks don't fly…er…well…nah."

"That sounded very convincing" Toshiko muttered from the backseat.

Jack nodded and touched his own earwig "Gwen?"

Back at base Gwen was swinging in the chair as she imagined her wedding day, the dress floating across the grass, maybe brushing it lightly… might need a hoop for this one. How do you sit in a hoop dress? Nah, can't go to the loo in that right? I mean … if you need a good crap you would have that around your ears.

"Gwen!"

"Jack" she jumped, the screen with four split-screens showing the dress designs she had narrowed down finally getting a break as she rose and listened to his excited talking, then she stormed over to Toshiko's desk and reached out, tapping the mouse twice and leaning in "Hang on … I can't find the little box for that.. god…ah. Oh … there it is, hang on, let me get rid of this… here we go. Right. Yes, there is something on here. It's blinking, a message?"

She tapped the play button and a strange voice boomed out like it was yelling from far away "people of earth, we are come. Be prepared for battle and when you kneel to me I shall tear your faces off and eat them first!"

"Wow" she said softly "He sounds pissed."

Back in the SUV Jack's face paled as he recognised the voice and the race of people who had the habit of executing people just like the manner being threatened. "Shit. The Bakuu."

"Bakuu" Ianto repeated "What are they?"

"Death, riding in on a pale horse …shit. Shit … Ianto … shit" Jack was panting as he swung the wheel again, this time turning the vehicle around as a flash of something came from the twirling end of the finger cloud thing. You know .. it did look silvery white and Ianto knew with certainty it was a spaceship.

"That them?"

"Yeah" Jack grimaced, his teeth grinding as he now took someone's fence out, careening across backyards, flower beds… a paddling pool went flying past Toshiko's window… oh dear… Ianto holding onto the suicide strap with wide eyes as they caught some air … flying across an alleyway, hitting the next fence while still airborne.

Clean-up was gonna be a bitch.

"OWEN" Jack yelled into his 'wig "GET HOME TO BASE! NOW!"

" _But I have Kev with me."_

"I don't' give a flying frog's fart!" Jack replied angrily "Move your skinny arse before it becomes a delicacy on his dinner table."

" _What… he really means that eating us part?"_

Everyone headed back to the base with open fear, Owen's SUV slamming through a hedgerow to come in behind Jack's to form a strange excitable convoy of two … Jack's determination now starting to frighten Ianto who turned on his seat to look back over the seats out the back window, Toshiko slowly turning to do the same.

The two TARDIS were not dancing … something else ws coming out of that cloud formation and they were locked in battle.

For the first time… the Doctor.. er Doctors were at war.

.

..

.

.

Whew … how is that for a start?

OK … what next guys? And throwing a 'Kev' into the mix KatWillow60 might make for some sexual tension along the way. I don't know if jack will flirt and make Ianto jealous, or will Kev flirt and make Jack jealous? Ohhhh … he really wouldn't like Ianto getting the attention there. Hmmmmm.

Clearly they get locked in and we have several ways to make it happen now … most likely Gwen's fault with stopping that programme just then.

Let's hear what you think next.


	3. what is that?

AO3

KatWillow 60 - Hmm a threesome?

And Gwen just abandons the hub (having done something bad to Tosh's program) to rescue Rhys like he is damsel in distress and eventually is the first to have her face eaten (I am a baaad girl)

Eleana666 - Sorry, I am sick but still reading!

FF

FranArian - Think I'll see how this is progressing before I throw my evil ideas into the ring...

Brose1001 - How about the doctors duking it out led the critters to earth in the 1st place, and Gwen's tampering removed a necessary alarm that keeps the hub safe? Thus leading the critters straight to it?

DarqueQueen7 - Oooo. Jack gets jealous because Kev likes talking with Ianto. Both Doctors make it inside the Hub, because thanks to Gwen being a cow, Mainframe's defenses are down. Jack has to try and keep Tosh from killing Gwen. The Doctors try to figure out why and how the Bakuu are on Earth...i'm tired now. See ya.

* * *

* * *

Right then…. Hmmmm

* * *

* * *

Gwen knew she was in trouble for this, the programme Tosh had been working on not just stalled or paused or whatever she thought the little triangle would do … as things flashed quickly across the screen it became apparent even to someone like Gwen that it was deleting something.

Bad.

Really….really…bad.

She shrugged, deciding it was not her problem and went back over to her workstation and the dresses she hadn't wanted to lose by changing screens. Then with a dramatic sigh she grimaced and closed that screen off, a new screen now showing where she clicked into a news band to watch the raw footage being filmed by a local news crew.

Two TARDIS flying about like locked in some weird mating dance, a cylinder softly falling from the clump clouds that were fast moving in a circular motion … it reminded her of when you pull the tub's plug and the water swing in ….ah…. a vortex? She stared at it for a few moments and then realised this might be a little… not good. The cylinder was a vessel of some sort, the way Jack was driving like a lunatic away from it all she needed to know.

She snatched the phone "Rhys?"

" _Gwen love?"_

"Where are you?"

" _At home, I just for off that trip through to surrey with the load of…"_

"No time for that. I need you to come to the Hub, something is happening and…" she cut him off.

" _Don't' be daft. I can't drive, on a 24 hour stand-down after filling me logbook!" he laughed "You know that. I will see you later."_

"Rhys, look out your window and tell me what you see!" she demanded. "Rhys?"

He didn't answer and she stopped talking, her eyes darting about as she listened and in the background heard him swearing and cursing. Sounds of crashing and banging as her eyes widened with horror. She was too late. It had started.

Gwen dropped the phone and ran for her chair, scooping her jacket off the back and racing for the door. She had to save him, screaming at the still open phone line as she passed the desk "Don't worry Rhys, I'm coming"

She was out the door before his voice came back on the phone with a harried lack of breath.

" _Sorry love, the fucking bacon started to spit and went everywhere, then me egg I was poaching overflowed. You know me, a right pig in the kitchen. Gwen? Gwen?... Gw…. Ah… she's not even there is she. Bloody typical."_

.

.

.

.

The team walked into the Hub as Jack called out to Gwen, stepping aside to let Ianto pass while sliding his coat off to hang on the stand.

"Gwen?" Jack yelled again, this time with more anger in his voice as he slowly turned in a circle by her workstation, the live feed still on the screen and he stopped moving to watch as the Bakuu now swarmed from the ship across the grass.

They looked like a cross between a hamster and a body builder, their muscular yet furry arms swinging their weapons menacingly about as they walked. Of course … the dog that raced over when it saw them and grabbed one in its jaws (they are also the size of hamsters) startled them and they gaped as one of their officers was killed and then the dog raced off with its new toy.

"Sir?" one asked nervously of its leader "Was that one of their defence mechanisms?"

"Stay frosty, there may be more" came the angry reply as the small creature bristled with anger.

"Oh no" Jack said softly as he clearly understood the chipmunk chattering for what it was, swinging to stare onto those stormy pools of intelligence "Ianto. They are pissed now."

"GWEN!" Toshiko screamed with rage, her fists pumping at her sides as she ranted in Japanese, making both Jack and Ianto wince at some of the language that she was using.

Owen chose to enter at this time, still talking to Kev who was totally ignoring him and as Owen stopped to hang up his jacket Kev saw Ianto and Jack, heading straight for them "You two! You are the ones who I saw the other night night and… that's them!"

He pointed to the screen with glee "See? I'm not mad, there were two of those things in the night club, and people were kicking them about like they were balls. I saw that they were alive and tried to scoop them up out of the way but one of them gut stomped pretty good. Died. The other one was so passed… little screaming and weird noises as it tried to attack everyone. Rabid or something. Someone killed it with a bar stool."

"Oh god" Jack groaned "The advance party."

"Clearly not that advanced if they snuffed it!" Owen laughed bounding over and gawking over at Toshiko "What's wrong toots?"

"When I find Gwen I will batter her to death with one of her fucking shoes" Toshiko snarled, her face twisted in rage "She fucking wreaked it!"

Owen's mouth fell open as he heard a cuss word from the usually serene woman and he turned slowly to Jack with the same look etched on his face.

Ianto had other problems, Kev now standing a little too close as he leaned in and …sniffed him? "Hey handsome. We meet again. God, you look like you should be lying under a ton of sushi, placed just so and then I come along and with my nose I softly nuzzle…"

Whatever else he ws going to say was but off as Ianto deftly rabbit-punched him in the throat and then walked over to Toshiko to soothe as Kev stood there with his eyes watering, holding his throat and choking a bit. Then he grinned and whispered "spicy."

"Jack?" Owen said with surprise "Is that… two Doctors?"

Jack swung to look and the two TARDIS were now landed and one Doctor had exited the TARDIS and was slamming against the other one with rage. Each time he bounced off the door would open and another version would poke his head out, yell something and slam it again before the outside one could react, another volley of body slamming starting.

"So … this is their fault?" Owen asked with confusion "I mean … they came through, then the cigar that wants to treat us like Monika Lewinsky right? So … they brought the little gerbils of doom?"

"Don't call them that, they really hate that. They have a real problem with sizism." Jack snapped, swinging to ask Ianto something and freezing as he watched Kev walk up behind Ianto then stand so close their bodies were almost touching. Ianto was unaware of this as he helped Toshiko run a backup recovery, soothing her as he spoke in fluid Japanese and Kev leaned in, his crotch sliding into Ianto's arse as Kev let his hands grab Ianto's hips.

"Anything gi can do to help? I give great massages" he purred in Ianto's ear and Ianto froze, his hand that had been waving also stopped as he stared at Toshiko with widening eyes.

Toshiko reached onto her desk and scooped up a taser, zapping Kev in the side and he yelped then fell like a block of wood. She then resumed talking to Ianto like nothing had happened and both Jack and Owen were quick to pull the now unconscious man away.

"So … still. Their faults?" Owen asked as he watched Jack handcuff Kev to the railings of the stairs.

"Well, I hate to say it but.. yeah. Hey, is it just me but did that Doctor in the TARDIS still look a lot like…. Never mind." Jack frowned.

"Frobisher. Yeah, he does a bit. The other one is a bit naff with that silly Fez too" Owen agreed, "what the hell are they doing?"

"Oh no" Toshiko said softly "Not only did she dismantle my program but the safety protocols too. Jack … we have been wide open, no filtering. Mainframe is not secure, the firewalls are gone. Anyone.. I mean anyone can simply Google Torchwood and she would say hello."

"What?" Jack squealed in a most unmanly way as he raced over to look and his hands flapped with horror.

People WERE saying hello back.

"GWEN!"

.

.

.

.

So, how's that so far? Does Gwen find Rhys OK, or does she cause more chaos getting to him like running over a few Bakuu or something?

Who can get into Mainframe, and what will she tell them?

What next guys?


	4. wait... how does he know them?

FF

FranArian - I'm sure Gappy will just exacerbate the situation...and she really needs to die for leaving Mainframe wide open because of her stupidity (she HAD to touch Tosh's station, because heaven forbid she drop the wedding crap from her own to access the CCTV and other information...stupid cow).  
I would hope that Mainframe is smart enough by now to spin wild tales and send anyone nosing around down the primrose path...I don't think she'd willingly allow anyone to access Torchwood materials, though she'd likely find it funny to blow smoke up the arse of anyone trying to connect.  
I think they should eventually lock Kev in a cell (next to Janet), make sure Myfanwy in securely inside, put up the Time Bubble to protect the Hub, settle with some popcorn and beer and watch the Doctors fix their own mistake. Oh, and be sure to hit "record" when Gwen gets her face eaten off.  
Maybe Rhys is the one who finally saves the day, because of his awesome Lasagna and killer fudge brownies... *cackle*

DarqueQueen7 - Damn it! I want to Google Torchwood and have Mainframe say hello to me! That is beyond hilarious! Rhys is okay but Gwen causes more chaos. The Doctors come out and explain themselves while helping Tosh fix Mainframe. Tosh doesn't know whether to kiss them or kill them. John Frobisher calls in on a video conference and 12 and he have a seriously deep and meaningful conversation. Gwen gets eaten and Rhys finds a better girlfriend. Kev becomes part of Torchwood and falls in love with...Andy! Did I get most of it? I'll leave the rest to you. D.

Brose1001 -Tony Stark just happens to poke at Mainframe right about when Tosh discovers the lack of firewalls.

AO3

**DeeBeader**

=Tosh's rant is amazingly "calm", considering the damage, but PLEASE let Tosh administer her brand of 'justice' to Gwen over this horrific mess she has caused. She never suffers any consequences and Jack should NOT intervene.  
=Let Ianto do something particularly nasty to Kev to make Kev stop his harassment; it won't work if Jack does it. Love Tosh with the taser :D  
It would be so fitting if Gwen was jumped by those Bakuu and turned into Gwenburgers after Tosh gets done with her. No Torchwood rescue for her.  
=The 2 Doctors are responsible for bringing those Bakuu to Earth; let one or two get into each Tardis and see what those Doctors do besides arguing over River Song and who's the better husband.

 **KathyC** **-** As for the Bakuu, set a few clowders of hungry alley cats on them. Maybe a few fox skulls. Problem solved. Assuming, of course, the cats and foxes wouldn't be harmed by eating the aliens. I'd hate for any animals to get sick. LOL

As for Gwen, just let Toshiko get to play with her credit score, and her parents, if necessary, to teach her that actions have consequences. Maybe, if her parents are inconvenienced enough, Gwen might actually learn something. Doubtful, but 1 can hope.

 **DomIantoRules** **-** If a stray dog can kill one of them, I'm not too impressed. I'd almost like for this to turn on to be a tremendous mixup, and have it all go away once people realize the truth (after running around trying unsuccessfully to fix everything for several chapters) but I don't see how that would work with what has happened so far.

As for Gwen, death is too good for her. After its all over, Jack should have to make a report to the Queen about how the Hub became vulnerable. The Queen is not someone known to suffer fools gladly. Have her reassign Gwen to UNIT as a permanent dogsbody. A lifetime spent doing all the dirty, unpleasant jobs no one else wants to deal with, as well as being the whipping boy for all of UNITs dislike of Torchwood, should finally teach her that her actions have consequences, and that she isn't better than everyone around her. Also, being reprimanded directly by the Queen should make her disgrace plain. Torchwood is a crown institute, so it is appropriate.

 **DeeBeader -** OMG, not my story, but boy would I LOVE to see Gwen sent to UNIT (after appropriate retconning to forget all she knows about Torchwood's security and inner workings). I don't think anyone has ever sentenced her to that fate yet.

 **KatWillow60** **-** Like the idea of JH having to tell the Queen Is it too late to make this a flashback?

 **DomIantoRules** **-** I would assume he would only report when it is all over.

* * *

…..

* * *

"Riiiiiiight" Owen said slowly as they watched the screen "Did a doggie just make one a chew toy?"

"Bad. This is bad… like… REALLY bad" Jack emphasised.

Owen laughed as he pointed "Look .. one fell though the grating and the others are trying to get him out. Oh god, I am gonna pee meself!"

"No…no..on….no…" Jack seemed almost frantic as he adjusted the CCTV camera that was across the street to see if he could see their little faces, one gnashing it's teeth like it wanted to set fire to the world and a car roared past, squashing two that were standing too far out from the grating, Jack groaning as the others ran for cover thinking it was an attack.

"Jack… come on. Look at them!" Owen sighed, pointing. "What are they gonna do … cuddle us to death?"

"No, it's not them I am worried about, like I said. It's the Bakuu" Jack swung to frown at him.

"Want a moment" Ianto had been pioneering things and turned to face Jack, "They are NOT the Bakuu?"

"No. They are their …well… frontline. Beepa. They send them in to infiltrate. Little fuzzy things fit into air ducts, down drainpipes… they get into a facility and scope it out for their masters." Jack was on the verge of panic "If they think they are under attack they will call for back-up and suddenly we have the real trouble coming to town."

"Well, Mainframe is holding her own so far with those trying to hack in" Toshiko snapped over top of them, "If anyone cares about our security at all … I am doing my best."

Ianto grunted, then reached out to tap a button on his own workstation and there was a grinding noise that had Jack swinging around wildly then settle on a spot where a blue box was materialising.

Then another appeared beside it.

The Doctor stepped out and looked around, then focused on the people staring at them "Ah! Jack!"

Jack looked a the young man with the floppy hair, weird fez and exited demeanour. Ianto was focused on the other one, the door opening and an older gentleman stepping out with a look of solemn intelligence, his eyes flicking around then settling in Ianto "Ah. There you are Ianto."

"Hello" Ianto said calmly "Would you care to explain what the hell is going on out there? Are you two crazy? Fighting in broad daylight!"

"Welllllllll… its River's fault" the older Doctor grumbled, his eyebrows coming together like a couple of caterpillars kissing "she didn't specify which she loved more, just… she loved the later incantations. So … we are at a stalemate as to which of is preferred."

Ianto stared at them and shrugged "You could just ask her ya know."

"Yes I know but last time we tired she to rreallllly antsy with us" the younger Doctor smiled, then looked over at Toshiko "Oh! Look, Doctor Sato. Hello poppet. Whatcha doing?"

He bounced over and started watching her fingers fly, the odder Doctor rolling his eyes "You know … I hate ties."

"Come now, you do not hate ties. Stop liking for thing to pick at about yourself" Ianto scolded "Eleven was a good try, twelve is much better. You are handsome in your own way, all regenerations of you are sweet and slightly frightening" Ianto soothed, "Come on. Let's go see if we can work out where she is right now and maybe I will ask her, you know she likes me."

Jack blinked; looking around like he was trying to work to if he was asleep or wake "Ianto? You know the Doctor? Wait, River? River Song?"

"Of course I do, don't be silly" Ianto snorted, both Doctors laughing like Jack was making a funny. Jack didn't' think it was funny at all, his frown deepening as he realised not only was he NOT the most important person in the room .. Ianto was somehow changing to a larger person. Bigger on the inside?

What the hell was this?

"Toshiko, what are you doing?" the Doctor asked with interest, leaning in more as his older version leaned back and watched Ianto move around the Hub with something akin to …. Pride?

"I am cutting off Gwen's bloody credit." She snarled in response "Bitch is spending money at a bridal salon. Middle of a crisis and she is shopping! I am stopping her and making sure she gets the message to return to the fucking Hub."

"Pissy mouthed little dragon" the Doctor soothed "I do not understand the whole fussing thing around weddings here. Do they still wear those hideous dresses? River didn't look like a cloud!"

"Yeah, I know" she snorted.

"Where's Kev?" Ianto asked, finally noting the absence of leering.

"In the cell next to Janet. She seems smitten" Owen said like he was commenting on the weather "Can I get a jammy dodger daddy?"

"Stop calling me daddy you weird little wanker" Ianto muttered heading for the kitchen as the older Doctor turned to Owen and seemed to look him up and down, then removed his sonic screwdriver and waved it up and down at him.

"He is not your father. You don't seem anything like us" he said before turning away and Owen blinked with confusion at the strange comment.

Timelords are weird.

"Oh-oh" Jack said in a little voice as it stated.

A group of housecats came from nowhere, attacking the little battalion of fluffs and it was a massacre, plain and simple carnage as they tore the little things to shreds.

One of the little fluffs seemed to drag itself from the grating to help it's comrades wearing a shiny little skull like a helmet, screaming in Rambo fashion as it ran into the clowder of cats with his little knife geld high.

"Is that a Fox skull?" Owen asked with awe "Wow, mist have been a juvenile to be that small. Awww, shame. Washed down the drain in the rain.."

"Owen. Shut up" Ianto barked slamming down the plate of jammy dodgers and Owen shoved in into his mouth as they watched the fur fly.

"Really bad" Jack repeated softly to himself "They are really gonna come now."

Oh do be quiet Jack" the Younger Doctor said with glee "Once we fix this mess in your sentient caretaker, we will take care of that."

"Sentient… what?" Jack looked over and saw Ianto in between the two doctors, his hands moving on the keypad in time to theirs.

Mainframe was sentient?


	5. Blown away

FF

SuziH-J - Ianto as a time lord - love it. Is The Doctor his dad/grandad or just a friend?  
Gwen storming back to the Hub - sees the Bakuu & goes all I'm Torchwood on them. Seeing an opportunity they 'surrender' to her, and Stupid Cooper takes them straight back to the Hub thinking she's has saved the day.  
Tosh really needs to be allowed to punish Gwen for ruining her programming.

FranArian - Poor Jack...I think his brains are about to start dribbling out his ears! Ooooo...this is getting FUN!

AO3

DeeBeader

1-Jack, be quiet. Really, just watch, observe and learn, especially about the TimeLords, TimeLord Ianto and RiverSong.  
2-Gwen is about to meet the Little Dragon's claws... Funny how Gwen developed an allergy to keyboards larger than a cellphone after that.  
3-Owen, never tease a TimeLord's son; interesting things could happen to you, like finding yourself on an alien planet running from, say, a cloud of tiny firebreathing dragons. Get your own jammy dodgers. Ianto will bring you back after 24 hours.  
4-River won't kiss or tell Ianto or anyone else about the Doctors' kissing prowess, especially since she'll have to shoot 11 and spend 24 years with 12. But she LOVES Ianto, too. River, Tosh and Ianto should take off for a group vacation after this to one of the pleasure planets, leaving Jack and Owen to mind the Hub. Jack will get his vacation with Ianto after the Bakuu finish trying to invade the Hub. Mainframe and the Two Tardises will teach Jack how sentients fight invasions and protect their favorite humans.

KathyC -Of course Mainframe is sentient, Jack. Why on Earth would you not know that. Ianto as another Time Lord, lovely. Give Jack something to think about.

Gwen, shopping at a time like this. I do hope getting your credit card cut up in front of you will give you pause to think about your stupidity.

Owen, you really need to watch your mouth. It's going to get you into more trouble than you can get yourself out of someday.

Now, let's see the real Bakuu get their asses handed to them as well. Maybe they can have a fatal allergic reaction to the grass or something else innoculous like that.

* * *

…

* * *

Gwen stood with her mouth open as the scissors made a loud snicking noise, the blades making short work of her credit card. Another she had pulled out as back-up was still in her fingers and before she could react that was snatched up and swiped, then also met it's maker… off to the great plastic cloud in the sky.

Rhys chose this moment to enter the store and yell from the now open door "Don't you think we need to get going? Your phone is going off out here!"

Gwen turned and angrily strode to the waiting SUV and clambered in, snatching up the phone to see several missed calls from the Hub as well as text messages she disregarded without reading. Seriously, why is everyone on her arse all of a sudden?

She drove through town with a deep frown, Rhys watching the weird cloud formation as they passed it with confusion, pointing "Babe? That a Torchwood thing?"

Instead of answering she slammed on the brakes and he looked forward to find Andy standing in the middle of the street locked in argument with a huge creature that was a cross between a WWE wrestler and an ape.

She slid out and turned to Rhys "Wait here! You leave this to me. Stay!"

"Woof" he muttered as he watched her stride over to talk as well, Andy moving to one side with open annoyance as she pushed in an started to argue now, the creature not happy as it bared fangs that were realllllly big. A gun was loosely held in one hand, pointed at the ground as they had some sort of lively debate that Gwen was just not into right now.

Gwen shot it.

"What…the…..fuck….." Rhys said slowly as her phone blew up again, this time the ringtone was a different one and he knew without checking it was Jack's personal one. Seems she was not in favour right now.

Of course he answered it "Hi there … Gwen… bitch of the universe's phone, sorry she can't come to the phone right now but she seems to be in one of her rants. And she calls me a ranter!"

"Rhys! Good man, hand me over would you buddy?" Jack's voice was sweet, soooo syrupy sweet. She was in BIG trouble now.

Rhys stepped out "Gwen! Jack on the phone!"

She strode over as Andy leaned over the creature and poked at it was a look of revulsion "Yes Jack!"

"Gwen. You shot one. Really? You shot an adjudicator for their people? Sent here to peacefully ask us for whatever or whoever they want? You do know you just pissed off some REALLY big ones right? He was a juvenile … not fully grown!"

Gwen motioned to Andy to get a body bag for the creature "He smelt bad and seriously, I know he…"

"GWEN. Get back here before I Retcon you back to diapers!"

Andy had clambered into the back door, kneeling between the seats "Is that the boss? Ask him if their guns are supposed to make ticking noises."

She hummed and waved a hand back at him as Andy slid out and bagged it then pulled the beast towards the SUV. Rhys got out and helped loading it into the boot. As they pulled it along the gun fell from the now limp hand, left on the road behind them.

They got back in panting from the effort as Gwen sat arguing with Jack tht she had it all under control. The doors of the SUV slammed shut simultaneously, trapping the there inside and Gwen could only scream with rage as the vehicle took off on its own, heading at high speed towards the Hub, away from the creature's weapon that cycled down and as they crested a hill it blew up, taking the entire fucking city block with it.

"Shit. There were still people in the streets!" Andy roared as he now knelt on the back seat, looking out the back window "People were still there! Fuck!"

The SUV zoomed into the parking lot and stopped a few feet before Ianto who stood with a remote control unit in his hand and a look of doom. Jack was standing beside him with arms folded and as Gwen sheepishly got out it was another that started to rant.

"Of all the stupid, half brained, dick-headed ideas … who gave you a weapon! I wouldn't give you a bloody banana!" the older Doctor was shouting as he strode past the two men "I should shake the shit out of you until some unclogs the part of your brain that is malfunctioning!"

Ianto lowered the device and watched for a moment than called out gently "Tad! That's enough."

The Doctor had seized Gwen by her front at this stage and released her shirt to turn and face Ianto "You never call me that."

"Well … stop it. She's one of our team, even if she is bloody stupid" Ianto replied as he started to walk away and Jack stood stock still as if frozen to the spot then he remembered what he was doing, filing away that little talk for later "Gwen. You just started a inter-galactic war. You do know that right?"

"Don't be stupid. Clearly it was not right in the head. Couldn't even speak English." She snorted.

"Welsh. Gwen … it was speaking Welsh." Andy said then his eyes grew wide "NOOOOO. Gwen fucking Cooper! You don't speak Welsh?"

She gaped.

In the back of the SUV something stirred.


	6. Service with a smile

FF

SuziH-J  
Totally love that Ianto has a remote control for the SUV! Gwen has really outdone herself this time.

19h ago c5 1FranArian  
Gwen soooo needs to get hers (burn her and string up the smoking remains)... Of course Gappy doesn't speak or understand Welsh, barely has enough functioning grey cells to butcher English... Useless cow.

Hehehehe... So, the Ajudicator may not be dead... Owen can make himself useful by patching him up, and after a lot of fuss, the whole mess will be solved by serving the Invaion Force some of Ianto's coffee... They'll either start worshipping him as a God, or it'll put them all in 48 comas resulting in the worst hangovers imaginable and they'll be too scared to ever come near Earth again. CACKLE!

AO3

DeeBeader

1-No, Doctor 12, if you shake Gwen, you'll only loosen what few brain cells she has; as Ianto said, she is stupid. Try something else. In the meantime, those people died prematurely, thanks to Gwen's absolutely stupidity. Fix this, please.  
2-OOOOOOOOO Ianto called 12 "Tad" and Jack's brain has frozen. That's gonna be an interesting conversation!  
3-TimeLord Ianto! YAY! (Where's his Tardis?) Love the remote control over the SUV and please, make Andy a member of Torchwood to replace Gwen, PLEASE!  
4-That juvie in the back ain't dead; he's mutating either into an Elder of his race or a Bakuu and it would be fitting that Gwen has to go with him to be judged by his people since she did shoot him. And what kind of Welshwoman is she that she didn't recognize the creature was speaking WELSH to Andy?! Love the scissors meeting her credit cards and Rhy's comment about "bitch of the universe". Thinks too highly of herself...

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st_mick

-Ooh, please say River is Ianto's mam!  
-Toshiko should have first dibs - at lease let her punch Gwen in the gob, please.  
-Maybe Kev can apologize to Ianto and they actually have a conversation. Jack can't admit he's jealous (but he is). Ianto only indulges in a bit of flirting because Jack had threatened to shag Kev, earlier. But just as they start getting along, Kev is revealed as a sleeper - a Beepa sleepa. Sorry. Or perhaps a Bakuu sleeper, complete with a pull-his-face-off Scooby Doo reveal. Ianto kicks his ass, but is injured in the process - maybe because Gwen tries to interfere, thinking she can get credit for saving the day.  
-Maybe the Beepa can have a depilatory ray. I won't mention any names, but wouldn't it be awful if _someone_ lost all of their body hair?

….

* * *

Oh boy … let's see what I can use here

…..

* * *

"If you all have a moment, would someone care to open the back of the SUV before our friend in there tears it apart?" Doctor 11 asked calmly, pointing as the SUV started to rock.

"But I shot it!" Gwen said stupidly.

"Yes, but you didn't' kill it" he replied with the same annoyance "The only way to kill one is to fire the projectile up under their left arm, sort of in the armpit. Their hearts are protected up in their shoulder there."

"Don't be silly, a heart is in the chest!" she snorted.

Don't be a complete twat" Owen muttered as he slid around to stand next to the Doctor, eyeballing the rocking vehicle "I've done enough autopsies to know they have organs in all different places. Hell … sometimes Ianto's heart seems to beat in two places at once."

"Two hearts beating in just one time…"Jack muttered and frowned "Song lyrics?"

"Jack. Focus. Meltdown over my heritage later eh?" Ianto strode past, a large cannon on his shoulder and he swung to face the boot "OK Owen. Push the button then."

Own kicked the bumper where the button was for someone with full arms, the back swings up to reveal a very pissed of Bakuu. He fell out … struggling out of the body bag and rose to his full height, higher than the men watching him and then let out a blood curling scream. Ianto lowered the weapon and said softly "Bum."

"Oh god" Gwen said softly stepping back with fear, clutching at Jack who shrugged her off and walked confidently forward.

"Welcome to Torchwood, I am Captain Harkness and you are in violation of the Shadow Proclamation … we have full coverage on this planet." Jack said calmly "Please relinquish any weapons and follow me to a conference room where we can have a little chat"

It turned to look at him, then past him at Gwen and it's face changed into something even more grotesque, surging forward and flinging Jack aside like a rag doll, reaching out to grab at Gwen who shrieked and ran for it, Andy sighing as he poked at Rhys "Gonna save her there champ?"

Rhys looked at him and shrugged, "She said to never interfere in her work."

"Fair enough big guy" Andy nodded turning back to watch as she shot around the SUV making for Jack with wide eyes and her mouth open in a silent scream.

It happened so fast, barely time to register the weapon it had pulled from its armour and Ianto barked with alarm as it fired, the ray hitting Gwen and making her shriek as she fell to the ground, Jack running to throw himself over her heroically and Ianto calmly turned whiled dropping his own weapon and punched the creature as it passed him, forcing it to not only stop but stagger back with the force of the blow.

"Ouch" 12 said to 11 "He has such a temper. At least he didn't use the weapon. I think that's progress with his anger management."

"It's his mother in him. She's a smacker too" 12 agreed then they both stared at one another and made matching looks of doom, saying in unison "She's not gonna like this."

The creature was stunned, shaking it's head and Owen knelt and pushed Jack off Gwen, their clothes smouldering and he stared mutely at Gwen as she lay sobbing, her hands slapping at her disintegrating clothes.

"Am I hurt? I can't feel … Owen. Am I hurt?"

"Nooooo, looks like the ray is for another species than us, it didn't penetrate your dermal layer. Ahhhhhh….. it did disintegrate anything this side of your skin though. Ahhhh … like you are naked as a joy bird. "he grinned, drinking in her smooth skin as she gapsed and shot to her feet, Rhys running to cover her with his jacket.

Jack rose to his feet, naked as a jay bird too … well … a cocky one anyway … sorry can't resist … and he turned to face the creature "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

"Jack" Gwen hissed with shock "Your hair… Jack!"

"I know Gwen he snarled without looking back "A disintegration ray. Clothing and hair gone. Thank fuck my VM has a protective layer … if I had lost that too I might cut a bitch"

As Jack held up his arm to show the VM the creature's eyes slid to it and those eyes widened as it took a visible step back from him with alarm. Good. Knows that a Time Agent is. Good.

"As I said, you and your lot is in violation of the treaty. What THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" he lost it slightly as the end.

Kev came out of nowhere, hurtling into the room with a roar of anger, his weapon of choice Gwen's taser that she clearly left on her desk instead of in the locked drawer as per protocol. He hit Jack square on, snarling as he stood over the convulsing body and Ianto cursed softly, reaching got and with a swift thump downing Kev in a heap.

"OK … tht is more than enough violence!" 12 roared "What would you mother say!"

"That I am late to the party again" a voice purred and they all turned to watch Doctor River Song appear from a shimmering circle of air, her VM on her wrist eerily similar to Jack's "Oh dear. It that Jack on the ground with no hair? Well now … he is better hung than I imagined. Look at that… darling? What's wrong poppet?"

Ianto's glare was supernova as he gave his mother a 'burn I hell' look and he shrugged off his jacket to lay it over the man before snarling "Stop looking at what is mine!

"Yours… no. No, hell no. You and the mighty Captain? What? Boys? Did you know this?" she turned to her husband(s) who simply gave her the 'Deer in the Headlights' look she knew so well, then she turned back to Ianto "Darling, he's a horn dog. You really … oh dear."

"Tell me you never…" Ianto grimaced.

"Lords no … he always flirted like a demon but… never followed through. Like … a game. Really? Him? I had such hopes of you finding a nice little companion …"

"He is not my companion!" Ianto said calmly to his mother "He is my…my…..well. I guess … my mate."

"OH for fucksake" 12 muttered under his breath as 11 groaned and slapped his palm to his face.

"Oh darling, we shall have to see about that" River crooned as she stroked Ianto's cheek "And the other naked thing over there with the big tits?"

"Gwen. This is her fault" Ianto pouted, infantiled by his mother as per usual before he could stop himself, then he pulled away and cleared his throat embarrassed by the moment.

"So, you shot a Bakuu, brought it here and released it to rampage, got caught by its disintegration ray and now stand the like some …some… oh. Well … sorry. I mustn't be nasty. Not your fault I guess. And this one here?" she tined to point at Kev who was standing stock still staring at her in open confusion.

"Stop looking at me Mam or I will nut ya" Ianto said with open malice and Kev blinked, looked at Ianto and nodded.

"Sorry about that. I ah… sorry. I think there has been a misunderstanding here. Um … I think we are on the wrong planet entirely" Kev said calmly, the Bakuu nodding with a grumble of agreement. Jack gasped to life, leaping up and his hands went to his head, relieved to find hair there. Yes, the taser was not at stun, it was set at Weevil. Killer setting for a human.

"Wong… who is your navigator!" 12 demanded "Seriously? Even a two year old can read basic theorised divergence of the specula disproportionalisim …. Look at your face. Seriously? You didn't check their credentials before letting them onto your crew? Well … that was youe first mistake"

"Right. Cup of tea?" Ianto asked and River nodded happily as she moved to hug her respective incarnations of husband. The large Bakuu leaned over Ianto and made a strange noise.

"No, no jammy dodgers. Owen ate them all, I do have ginger nuts with a chocolate coating. Ever tired that? I am rather fond of them" Ianto said conversationally as the huge beast dropped its weapon to follow him leaving jack there with the parents so to speak, even Owen leaving him behind as he whined to Ianto that he wanted one too.

"So. You!" 12 said to him with a frown "really?"

"I didn't know he was your son" Jack tried to defend himself "I just… I….well ….I …I love him."

There. Said it.

I don't' know who was more shocked, them or him. Or the one who caught it as he turned to call out to them to hurry up. Their eyes met and Ianto blushed as he turned and hurried off, not able to partake of such a conversation right now.

Gwen had gone to get some clothes from her locker, horrified at the naked part of her day and it was only as she turned to look in the mirror as she did up her blouse that she finally saw that Jack was not the only bald one. Her shriek had Myfanwy leaving her roost for a quick fly around.

BALD

She is still shrieking as she turned to find Toshiko standing beyond her with a strange look on her face and Gwen reached up to flap hr hands at her scalp, thinking Toshiko is there to help. She did not expect to see the predatory grin crossing Toshiko's face as the two stood alone in the changing rooms with no witnesses.

"Tosh?" Gwen whispered as he finally saw that she was in deeper shit than she had been a few moments ago. "Are you mad about the programme thing? I didn't mean to mess with it. Tosh? Pet?"

Toshio never spoke, never even made a sound as she hit Gwen so hard that her bald head bounced back against the mirror and Gwen slid to the floor.

Toshiko turned and walked out of the room, the need to tell Gwen that there would be no further warnings mote.

Bitch got served.


	7. chicks coming home to roost?

FF

FranArian  
So...Kev is actually a collection of large alien hamsters wearing a humanoid meat-suit?

AO3

pm10261 wonderful as usual. Would love to see River ask what Jack's intentions are, and she will give him a hard time if he does not speak the truth. No one hurts her Ianto. Would love to see Gwen embarrassed even more, love a good Gwen Bash. And more of Tosh being a dragon, she is awesome.

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DeeBeader

1-You saved the best for last! Please, let Tosh have a bit more revenge... like spooky websites popping up on Gwen's office or home computer; viruses that sing all kinds of crazy songs or weird games, yada yada yada ...  
2-Mama River and her "naughty smackalot child" Ianto. That was so much fun, especially with the Doctors' facepalming. Now comes the family talk with Jack; I'm sure River will make it clear to Jack what will happen if he hurts her baby boy.  
3-Kev's an alien? Figures. But the Big Bakuu was the best; he and Ianto can bond over jammy dodgers and chocolate treats in the future; maybe even get a no-trespass on Earth treaty signed too.  
4-Bald Gwen... heh heh heh... cow, you haven't begun to suffer yet! She should be suspended for a month to give the Hub peace, while Tosh wrecks her revenge remotely...

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KathyC

I swear, this is just TOO much fun.

Let's dump Gwen in a mental ward after about 5 to 8 years worth of retcon. And maybe a mild brain aneurysm. Just a little one.

Yay, Jack said he loved Ianto, with witnesses! No take-back, Jack.

Way to go, Toshiko! I do hope you didn't hurt your hand, though. May want to have Owen kiss it better for you.

Kudos.

More, please.

**KatWillow60**

1\. Toshi =Dragon oh yeah  
2\. Gwen retconned and hospitalized for her own safety  
3\. Andy yes yes  
4\. Kev plot line great  
5\. River Song as Mama I have always wanted to know where her children are cause how can she not be a Mama  
6\. Mainframe Ianto's Tardis  
Far off left field Alice shows up with Stephen and falls for our favorite teddy bear Rhys

* * *

…..

As much as the idea of fuzzies in a human suit is funny … no. Beepa were the front line, like foot soldiers. Bakuu are the big scary ones. LOL … I will keep that in mind tho for another chap maybe?

….

* * *

Jack bounced into his office with more excitement that he could realistically handle, reaching out to pull the hand forward as he intended showing the Doctor(s) that he had it only to hear the door click closed. He looked up with a grin spinning to say something saucy to Ianto only to find it was not him that was leaning against the door, quietly locking it with her sonic.

"Javic Thane" she purred, pushing off from the now locked door and Jack felt his balls crawling up into his stomach seeking sanctuary as River stalked towards him with a look of intensity that made him feel ever so inadequate all of a sudden.

"Melody Song" he found himself croaking out "Still scary as all hell."

"Sez the one inviting my claws" she grinned, canted her head and transformed to the beautiful woman he knew, his feeling of relief flowing over him as he saw that her sonic had been slipped back into her pocket without any threatening behaviour fist. You see … he knew now why Ianto had that little haughty streak …the excitable side that was almost childlike … he also now knew why Ianto had that other side. Cold, calculating and vicious. Quick like a viper.

"What are you thinking?"

"That you are like a pretty snake hypnotising me before you bite and kill me" he admitted "You always have this intensity to you that he doesn't. One I see in Ianto."

"You do?" she lit up and turned to look out the large full wall of glass at her child below as he seemed to argue with Gwen about something, his posture one of total annoyance as she sat wailing and Owen stood behind the woman taking photos on his phone with glee.

"Jack" she swing back to face him and he knew he was not safe yet, just stepping over landmines. "My boy. My little boy … you are fiddling with him?"

"Fidd…. Awwwww, now come on River. Ianto is not someone you… fiddle with. No. He… I mean… god. You know I hate using terms of endearment, that admitting affection or a connection only invites pain from the loss of it." He sighed, leaning back against his desk as he knew she would want nothing less "Yes. Ianto and I are… dabbling. We are… exploring our connections… OK?"

"And what will you do once you have explored every…connection" she said making him feel like a grubby old man deflowering a little virginal teenager or something. Mind you… now he knew the heritage he sort of was, wasn't he. Damn.

"I say this it is just between us right? Me to you. Not those crazy space fiends down there and not to Ianto. Not yet. I don't' think he wants to hear it yet, it's too soon to place it on the table, I can't show my hand too soon or he will fold. You know him better than I do ... you know he's a runner like his dad."

"Fair enough" she nodded, then waved a hand for him to continue.

"I have… feelings for him that may involve the…the…L word.. OK?"

"Leer… leach…loom….lick…."

"LOVE!" Jack roared then leaned back and cursed softly in an old language he had not spoken in many years, her soft laughter telling him she had won that round. As always she played a better game. Damn it.

"Thank you Jack" she nodded "Remember this moment. Have this ingrained in your mind and if you ever forget … I will remind you that you told me this. Do not hurt him, he is precious to me. To his father. He is unique."

He nodded mutely and watched her turn to leave. As she unlocked the door she added "And if not for the fact he admitted the same to me I might have hurt you anyway."

Jack sat on the edge of his desk for a long time staring at that doorway here she had left the door open in her escape, the words whispering in the back of his mind 'he admitted the same' like a strange melody. The Jones Hit-n-Run explained too.

Ianto looked up as his mother skipped down the stairs and frowned, calling out "You didn't break anything did you?"

"No darling, would I dare break one of your things?" she laughed moving over to the two Doctors who seem to reanimate as she drew nearer.

"See that?" Gwen sobbed to no one in particular That's love. I bet Rhys will see this and… and… "

"Say Bloody Torchwood" Ianto sighed "Stop being a mitherer. Get a fucking wig or something. You asked for it, you pissed everyone off!"

"Who are you?" Kev asked Andy leaning in close "you smell amazing."

"What?" Andy squeaked with surprise as the huge man leaned over him, sniffing him openly now.

"Yes… nice.'

Andy stared at him in mute terror.

"You know … from the back she looks like Darth Vader without his helmet. I still have mine here somewhere from Halloween last year. Do you think she will put it on for me?" Owen asked Toshiko who looked at him for a moment.

"Not my kink" she finally said.

Owen turned to her and snorted "are you kidding? Her? Nah, she was just something to do. Nah, she's nothing special. Not like you ... she doesn't have the same moxie you have toots."

"But I do agree with the reference" Toshiko smiled as she accepted his interest, reaching out to tap a blood red nail against the spacebar and then lean back.

Gwen's phone started to ring, the Star Wars theme music and Owen's eyes widened as he continued to look at Toshiko "No. You… how did you do that?"

"Or would you rather…" she tapped it again.

The theme to the musical Hair now played and he was getting giddy as Gwen shrieked and fiddled with the phone that would not stop.

Then… one that had the words 'Walk right in… sit right down.. baby let you hair hair down' echoed around the hub and Owen was in the floor howling with mirth as Gwen growled too.

Ianto gave Tosh a look of both reprimand and amusement so she grinned and decided one more tap.

_I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth….._

Ianto gave a snort of glee and hid it in a polite cough as 11 looked over as 12. "ooooo I like this one!"

"Not enough guitar" 12 said back with a frown as he fumbled in his pocket for his sonic and flourished it "I would have gone for something with more meat… like … Led Zeppelin's Girl with long brown wavy hair."

"Oooo, yeah. Great riffs" 11 agreed then sighed "Look at us. You realise we are ignoring the elephant in the room."

12 looked down his nose at his younger self and whispered "But it's not OUR elephant now."

"No" 11 sighed, looking over at Ianto who was finally silencing the phone … "It's not."

Meanwhile outside Rhys had arrived and was trying to remember the code to the base looking over at the woman approaching with a boy holding her hand. "Hi, you looking for Torchwood?"

"Yes, I need to see Jack" she nodded and Rhys looked at the boy with alarm.

"Oh god… not his is he?" Rhys said then apologised.

"No … no. I am" she replied leaving Rhys more confused than ever.

At least he remembered the code as the door swung open to let them in.


	8. Alice punches like her dad

KathyC

Tosh playing with the ringer on Gwen's cellphone, priceless.

Kev turning his attention to Andy? Maybe Andy can make Kev his "b*tch" instead of the other way around. 😈

Rhys and Alice meeting, walking in together, let's see Gwenzilla erupt over something innocent. Then Rhys being so disgusted over Gwen's outburst that he dumps her and takes Alice and Stephen to dinner, the park, zoo, any other family friendly place...

And, of course, we NEED Ianto to jump Jack's bones. Go all caveman on him. 😁

More, please.

…..

Gosh … maybe…

…

Andy was watching the huge man who seemed to follow his every move and he slid over to Ianto "Hey buddy. What's the deal with him?"

"Bakuu are a society that deal with scent markers. Highly evolved species that are easily distracted with the right smells. Choose their mates that way, also makes it really had to trick one as they smell fear, anger… attraction" Ianto winked "I think he likes you. A LOT."

"He did smell the Captain right?"

"Yes. And then he smelt you. Seems you are the preferred smell right now" Ianto grinned, then his face changed as the Hub doors opened and Rhys entered stepping to one side to allow a woman and child in. Ianto glanced over at Jack who was moving fast, his face full of delight as he scooped up the child who called him Uncle Jack with equal glee.

River was deep I conversation with 11 so she missed the entrance but 12 ha seen the new arrivals and was sliding around the wall with his since out, intently staring at Alice. Ianto groaned as he knew the little latent particles in her DNA were showing, any Timelord can see them swirling around her like little fruit flies.

"Tad" he hissed "Cut that out."

Gwen chose that moment to stagger up for the changing rooms and she saw the child being hugged by Jack as Alice stood by Rhys who was absently reaching out to take her coat in a gentlemanly manner. She turned to him and smiled, both sharing a moment of … "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Everyone turned to see Gwen storming towards them, her head covered in a bright floral scarf like she wss about to scrub the floors or something. She looked like a strange pirate with her black eye almost puffed closed in a parody of an eye patch. She also looked half crazed.

"RHYS FUCKING WILLIAMS WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BIMBO WITH THE BIG ARSE AND TERRIBLE HAIR!" she screamed, Rhys stuck dumb by the sheer rudeness of the insult that was clearly misjudged given the state of Gwen's own hair… or lack thereof.

Alice however… is her father' daughter and she merely retracted her arm and then propelled it forward at speed. What some in the industry call a punch. She hit Gwen fair in the already swelling eye making her scream with pain as her head whipped back, followed by her body as she staggered on the grating I her high heels.

"What did you say about my arse you gap toothed bitch" Alice slathered reaching for her but Jack had managed to put his grandson down and step between the women, His arms out to shield them from one another.

"Now now sweet pea, let's all calm down now" he soothed. "And Gwen, that ws rude, what if she was another intergalactic…"

"I might have a gap in me teeth but at least I don't have a dick in me mouth that belongs to someone else" Gwen said with a wide grin.

"GWEN!" Rhys roared with open humiliation "What the fuck are you doing? This lady isn't with me, she came to see Jack. Jesus wept is that what you think of me? That I would cheat on you? That our relationship means so little I would have a bit on the side? Christ, ta very much missus. Not that I would, but if I ever did why would I being her here? I feel so fucking good now. Mind you … she is a looker!"

"Thanks" Jack said happily like the compliment was for him "She has her mother's cheekbones but the rest is all me."

Jack swung to face Gwen "And you have my attention. How dare you touch her, how fucking dare you say those things to my daughter. What the hell I wrong with you!"

"Daughter?"

"Get out!" Jack roared but Ianto was there to soothe.

"She can't leave we need her for the interrogation" he whispered to Jack, "Maybe see what Alice needs and she can escape instead. Not the best place for Stephen right now Cariad."

"Right. Right" Jack agreed still glaring a g hole into Gwen "Alice love, what do you need darling?"

"I came to see if you were going to come to Stephen's pay next weekend" she handed Jack an invitation then glanced at Ianto "And bring someone with?"

"What play?" Ianto asked Stephen with a look of interest like madness was not expanding around them as Kev roared in the background, seizing Andy and lifting him up off his feet to lick his face as Andy screamed and demanded he be put down… Then proceeded to smack the creature and scold like he ws a dog caught pissing inside.

"Midsummer's night dream" Stephen said excitedly, also ignoring things "I play one of the trees."

"Well .. wouldn't be a play without one" Ianto ginned back "I love that one. We will be there… I can not wait. I bet you are the one that holds his sleeping hammock, right?"

"The left one!" Stephen glowed "You guessed!"

"Only because I knew you were perfect for that part. Brilliant, you got just the right one!" Ianto reached out and touched the boy's shoulder gently "What a wondrous thing. Can't wait. Maybe dinner later? You and Mum come with us to a nice restaurant? Like grownups?"

"That would be lovely" Alice said with surprise watching her father smile at Ianto as he agreed with him.

"Sounds great Tiger, you make the arrangements? You know I am shit at that."

"Of course. It's a date. Cant' wait to see you perform" Ianto said to the child.

"Right, speaking of food. Come on you two … Maccaa!" Rhys boomed "I feel like a Big Mac with cheese."

"Yum" Stephen agreed as he looked to his mother who nodded and they started to follow Rhys out.

"Rhys?" Gwen whimpered with alarm.

"I came to se if you are alright. Clearly you are fine … just fucking bald. I don't know what fraternity thing you did this time, what lie you will tell me to explain it" Rhys snarled at her quietly as he watched Alice get her coat back on "I do not know what is wrong with you but if this is how you are acting before we are even wed…well… I don't know."

Ianto looked away from the argument to watch Kev kneel and look into a box Andy was opening, the intense stare almost sweet as he adored Andy who pointed into the box "See? Told you. It's broken."

"I can fix it Dandy" Kev said and Ianto blinked slowly as he glanced at his parentals who were stifling giggles.

Dandy?

Oh no. He had forgotten that. They call their mates Dandies. And Andy is so close a name… clearly it thought he was made just for him.

Ianto considered and found himself shrugging as he turned away.

Not my Bakuu, not my galactic interface!

"Well …at least he likes kids" 12 hissed to his wife as she also watched Jack and Stephen. She nodded silently as she glanced again at her son who still had no idea.


	9. food?

FranArian  
I think Andy and Kev will make a sterling pair. Perfect!

Yep, Rhys really needs to dump Gappy for Alice, much better match.

I shudder to think what 11, 12, and River are getting so excited about...think Ianto will surprise them though (he may be their son, but he's {luckily} very much his own person). Jack is likely to give them a surprise as well, if it involves Ianto.

And I'm wondering what the shot-but-not-dead Bakuu is doing, since he seems to be loose in the Hub without supervision...unless he's followed the scent to the coffee maker and is now silently worshipping it's shiny self.

Oh, and more Gwen-bashing, please! (That always makes my day.)

KathyC

Is Jack pregnant again? If it weren't for the intergalactic snafu then that would be a lovely thing.

HAHAHAHAHA on you, Gwen. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.

Dandy Andy. I could see it.

So, what are Tosh and Owen up to?

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st_mick

Ooh... how secure is Ianto? Will he actually wonder if he's the baby-daddy? Jack's stupid jokes about shagging cute bouncers are enough to make anyone insecure...

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DeeBeader

Ddddaaannnggg, go Alice! Gwen just can't keep her gobby gap shut! If the 2 Doctors and River Song weren't there, Jack or Ianto might have done something, ummm, "illegal", say retcon back to childhood? Good on Rhys for telling her off!

Andy, you can't keep Kev, it wouldn't work out. Everytime you speak to someone in the course of your job, Kev would spazz out. Eat some garlic or go have a few White Castle murder-burgers to let him down "gently", so to speak.

Ianto is so good with kids, but having a baby Time Lord of his own with a living walking-talking Vortex in the form of Jack might be a bit much. And with River Song and the two Doctors as grandparents, Jack will NEED to be immortal just to keep up with Ianto and the baby. Better than dealing with the Bakuu, and socializing with Alice and Stephen will be good practice.

Javic... what you may not know now will bite your arse very soon. You'll find out just how much Ianto is like his mother when you learn you're preggers. You better hope you can convince Tosh and Owen to run interference with Ianto for you!

Tosh and Alice, what a tagteam! Owen's gonna be busy soon with Jack's pregnancy and dosing Gwen...

.

….

Yep, a baby … let's see what that does to the dynamics

…..

"Excuse me Doctor Song?" Toshiko was suddenly in front of River who paused her stride, about to go to her son and she blinked as she looked down at the pretty lady who had a really determined look on her face "If you have a moment? We appear to have …lost the Bakuu we brought in. He's not on the floor where we left him."

"Where you…" she swung to stare at where the large creature had been sitting and groaned as she could only agree that there was now an empty space and she looked over at her son one more time before heading off with Tosh and Owen to search the Hub.

She couldn't help but think they were trying to keep her occupied… if not for the whole 'missing Bakuu Warrior' bit.

Ianto watched his friends intercept his mother and sighed softly, knowing that would only work for a short time and sooner or later she would be on him like white on rice. He leaned back to watch Jack and the two incarnations of his father have an in-depth conversation with hands flying, grimaces and an occasional finger waggle.

They were achieving nothing, it was all just so,e sort of shell game where the one left with the last word somehow won. He knew how this went, it was not his first rodeo with these incarnations. For some reason they seem to argue a damned lot. 10 however… he was just bloody funny. Bring back 10 I say.

Jack stopped talking for a moment to glance over at Ianto with that look he has when soooo naughty. Ianto found himself grinning back, in love with this fool. Then he felt someone sliding in behind him and barely had tome to register the arrival before his mother's hand waved beside him, aimed straight at Jack.

Ianto went still with horror as she scanned Jack with her Sonic Lipstick and then grunted, lowering it and turning to Ianto who watched the sonic until it went back in her pocket and he could relax "What darling. I had to check. He's acting most… excitable."

"That is Jack. Excitement is his middle name" Ianto deadpanned "Or is it cheeky."

"Well, it's the damnedest thing. I see Vortex energy, I was expecting that. But there is this spark of something … I thought he might be preggers but he isn't. Can't be. Died not too long ago, a recent resent. Just as well … imagine a child from him. God knows where it came from, you would have to get several DNA kits out … like a bitch in heat with a litter of more than one breed popping out" she laughed as she turned away and she missed the look of anger crossing Ianto's face as his hand slid to his own stomach.

No. Jack was not preggers. Couldn't be with his deaths and resets. No. No him. Ianto swung to stare after his mother with a soft bristling in his very soul as his hand rubbed for a moment to calm the other bristling feeling then he sighed, turning away before she could swing back to look at him with open surprise.

That damned coffee machine is sooo shiny ya know. Like a mirror.

Kev was leaning against the back of Andy's chair as Andy worked with Gwen to check the CCTV cameras for signs of invasion, the large man sniffing Andy' hair like it was a bouquet of flowers and Andy absently flicked his hand now and then like trying to shoo a fly.

Rhys on the other hand, he and Alice were finding the kitchen easier to navigate than they thought as the clever and thoughtful man who usually keeps things in order had a method that they understood and soon sandwiches and such were being trotted out to the main Hub's coffee table as Alice called out "Stephen love. Come have something to eat darling."

Ianto glanced at a passing plate and reached out snagging a cucumber sandwich and biting into it then groaning "Rhys, perfect!"

Rhys grinned with delight as Ianto took another and winked, turning to motion to the men still in the weird game "Oi, foodage!"

"Oh, food!" 12 said as he walked away from the other two like they had finished, Jack's finger crooked in mad rant as 11 shrugged then said softly "Well, he is the oldest I guess."

"Heard that pipsqueak!" 12 yelled over his shoulder.

As they all settled Ianto's thoughts roamed to Gwen … the pain. Of all the strange and impossoble things down here she seemed the most annoying and Ianto pondered what to do about her as she whined to Rhys that she didn't' find a dress she wanted yet.

Alice looked at the two of them and seemed crestfallen for a moment, and then she turned to her son for a conversation. Jack caught the moment and frowned as he looked from his daughter to Rhys, then saw that something was happening there that might not be so good for Gwen. He was not sure about that, or how to fix something that he would be torn over sides for.

"Right. Bakuu are pissed, we know they didn't mean to come here and if this is truly the wrong planet we need to help them on their way" Ianto said.

"But we can't let them invade another one!" 12 growled at his son "Helping them might mean the annihilation of an entire race!"

"I'll talk to them" Kev suddenly said "after I've eaten I will ring them and explain we fucked up again."

"Again" 12 repeated.

"Yeah .. happens sometimes" he shrugged like it was no big deal "They still won't change the perimeters of the star System Map to equate for that star that burned up last perceptual orbit of the system."

"Stupid" 11 said to him calmly "First thing you should do after a starburst is reset your map."

"That's what I think, I mean … I do remember some of the training but … the silly old fool in charge of the navigations is a first class drone" Kev said and then they had a conversation about idiots that River found herself drawn into more than once as she reminded her husband that a few of the people he was blaming for things were actually trying to help him when it had been him who actually broke or caused something.

"Semantics!" 12 felt the need to defend himself…ah… his younger self.

"If this is going to devolve into one of those yelling marches you between you two…three… then please take it somewhere else?" Ianto warned "We have an invasion to sort out? Shit. Is that a Beepa?"

Everyone looked up to find a little fluffy something rolling along a beam above their heads.

"Don't be stupid" Gwen said as she glanced up "That's the little Furby toy I found in the street on my way back. Isn't it cute? Wss gonna put a picture up on the notice board to see if anyone came forward. Some kid is missing that."

Ianto sighed softly with a roll of his eyes as the little ball of doom gave a menacing death cry and leapt from the beam into space.

Kev looked up and made a noise of alarm and he leapt like he might actually intercept it as Jack simply looked up and widened his eyes.

11 and 12 ran as their wife sat there still … abandoned.

Rhys threw himself over Alice and Stephen as Gwen started to scream.

Ianto could only sigh again.

Really?


	10. oops

FranArian  
Kill the Gappy!

Brose1001

Well. Well, well, well.  
Ianto is up the duff, not Jack. Wonderful!  
Now, for the beepa. Her hair is already gone. Shall we have it take her curves? Roflmao.

DeeBeader

1-Ianto, dear… you cannot hide from Mummy for long; she WILL find out what's wrong with you. We mothers have our ways ….  
2-Kev, you have a job to do with the Bakuu; get busy and get going.  
3-Rhys and Alice… get used to it, Jack. You let Gwen get away with far too much. Rhys is a nice guy and deserves better; so does Alice. And Rhys knows you well.  
4-River, be nice. We all know Jack behaves like a bog roll; this time, it's closer to home!  
5-Dammit, a Beepa in the house to cause a lot of trouble, thanks to Gwen… can't we feed her to it? Or let her go home with the Beepa and Bakuu?  
6-Tosh and Owen are too quiet back there... what are they plotting for Jack and Ianto?

Jen - This story is hilarious! Love the deadly fluff balls!

KathyC

Time for Myfanwy to snatch a teeny treat out of the air. That'll teach those Beepa.

So, we still don't know where the Bakuu is.

A pregnant Ianto will surely give River something to talk about.

Gwen, get over it. There will be no wedding dress for you.

So, up for big sisterhood, Alice? Better yet, up for a big teddy bear of a man?

Thanks, stay safe.

…..

Myfanwy seized the little fluff ball in her talons, crushing it with a weird squeaking noise coming from it as it perishes. A squeeze toy for a very large watch dog I guess and Ianto watched the tiny knife as it arced though the air from the now dead paw and he rose from his seat to call out a warning but was too slow as it fell with deadly accuracy down onto Gwen.

She made her own squeaking noise as she looked down at the handle of the knife protruding from her left breast with surprise, the one inch blade not enough to cause a mortal wound but … damn it did look …. Owen started to laugh, unable to help the situation as he stared at the boob and Toshiko reached out, yanking the blade out and looking at it with interest "Like a tooth pick."

"A tooth pick" Gwen screamed "Look at my fucking tit! It sure as hell does not feel like a fucking toothpick"

Rhys was stunned as he stood staring at the blood starting to pool on her tit then he reached out with the tea towel to cover it, her hands slapping him away.

"Get away Rhys, you are of no use to me!" she snarled, swinging and reaching for Owen's hand "cut it out. Come on and fix this."

"Christ" Owen choked out as he followed her "I thought you said the other day that coz of the wedding I wasn't allowed to play with them anymore."

Ianto felt the chill descend as Rhys placed the plate of sandwiches down he had just picked up to get the tea towel. Shit.

"So … I thought so" he said softly "I thought it was Captain Fancy Pants her she was sleeping with. Course, now I see him with Ianto here I know I was stupid there. Real love here. So … I sort of told meself I was silly then …the… wow. Him? I know it. I know it was someone. She was with him?"

Ianto doesn't know what to do so tries to find something to distract him with but of course Jack cannot help himself can he.

"It was only a few times. Told Owen he was bad and to stop it" Jack tries to soothe and Ianto could bloody smack him as Rhys' face crumbles and he sits heavily on the sofa, Alice the one to reach out to comfort him.

"She's a fool. Clearly a fool with no idea how stupid she is or how cruel to the man she is hurting right now" she soothes, her hands covering his and Ianto feels something behind him, swinging to find his mother there, her sonic out and her eyes narrowed.

"Ianto? Are you with child sweetie?"

AND…. It explodes. Ianto can only stand there and sigh a his fathers go insane, the younger version jumping around crowing with glee and the older version reached out to seize Jack with one hand, the other drawing back… Jack finally sees the danger and yelps as he tries to step back from the incoming fist.

The gun shot was loud and everyone froze as the Bakuu stood there holding the gun with a look of surprise "Ah… sorry. Didn't' know it did that!"

The Bakuu dropped the gun and it went off again, the shriek from the medical bay made everyone run to find Owen standing there with a look of total shock as Gwen lay on the ground … the gauze in Owens hand stalled in midair.

"What. Th. Actual. Fuck!" he said slowly.

"The Bakuu Warrior accidentally played with her gun. Is she OK?" Jack asked with a grimace.

Owen look down at himself, the brain matter in his scrubs the clear indicator that it was a stupid question "Captain, she is dead."

"Why? Can't you do anything?"

"I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!" Owen is still in shock, speaking in a low tone and 12 points at him with glee.

"Star Trek. He's doing Bones McCoy. It's worse than that she's dead Jim. Brilliant" he chortled then his smile faded slightly "Oh. Oh dear. Ah … really? She's … oh. Well, that is messy."

"I didn't mean to" the warrior sighs softly "the thing was shiny"

"Not to worry" Ianto is calm now as he turns to it "Let's get that phone line open, we can explain that as a… Galactic incident has happened and maybe it's best you quietly leave. We can clean this up and I am sure there will be no backlash. We don't need to report this to the authorities. Right? We will not seek vengeance for a simple mistake."

"Oh, thanks" the creature says with relief as Ianto lead him away and River turns to watch him leave, and then follows.

"Owen? Are you OK?" Toshiko asks softly and he looks up at her with a look of revulsion on his face.

"I think I need a shower and clean scrubs before I even clean this up." He tells her "I … this is gross."

"OK, you do that" Toshiko says as she turns and walks calmly way, not even able to pretend sorrow here. After all … Gwen did leave the gun there didn't she? Gun safety 101. At least it was only her hurt by her decision this time.

Toshiko settles in her chair and hooks it with her foot to pull back into her workstation as she fights the hysterical giggle in the back of her throat. What a mess.

She almost feels sorry for the Bakuu.

The little blade is now placed in her knickknack container she keeps her paper clips and such in.

A keepsake.


	11. What was that?

FranArian

YES! Ding-Dong, the Gappy's DEAD!

And the secret is out...Ianto is preggers...

Jack likely has a sore jaw or nose, Owen needs a shower, Tosh and Ianto need to get to work spinning things to make the Invasion force leave, Alice can console Rhys and in doing so get herself a good Welshman to be a proper father figure for Stephen, the Doctors and River need to suck it up (Ianto loves Jack, Ianto is having Jack's baby, Ianto is an adult and can make his own decisions), the Bakuu may well apply for asylum...  
Oh yeah...Kev and Andy need to stop doing THAT in the kitchen area before Ianto catches them in the vacinity of the coffee station

DeeBeader

1-11 is happy, 12 is slappy and Jack's gonna feel his doom from River and Ianto. Nice little family drama all around :D  
2-YAY! No more Gappy! Tosh has a nice souvenir though. And Rhys has a new woman in his life... Jack's getting it from both ends here.  
3-Bye-bye Bakuu and company. Now to find out how long ago Ianto got up the duff ... a pregnant male Time Lord versus his Mom! Find your Tardis, Ianto and fast; River has MAJOR plans for your confinement!

Eleana666

Well, the reaction to Gwen's death was kind of anticlimactic! I think Rhys could have had more of a reaction to Gwen's infidelity as well as her death! It all happened so quickly! An interesting combination of grief and comedy!

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KathyC

There's a song, by the Dixie Chicks, Goodbye Earl that is playing in my head now. LOL

Poor Owen, covered in brain matter. Am I a bad girl that that's all I feel bad about?

Ianto can leave the body in a "skid row" alley. Her mom may be an entitled prat, but she still deserves to know her spawn is dead.

Whoops, there goes the obstacle between Rhys and Alice. (Choking back giggles now.)

And Ianto, don't think that little fiasco will spare you from Momma River's questions.

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KatWillow60

A tit speared and a Shiny gets her in the end Clever clever

…..

Ianto was heaving Gwen's body onto a gurney when his mother turned to Jack and slapped him in the arm. Hard. "Are you just going to stand there watching? What is wrong with you!"

Jack looked at River like she was mad then moved to help, getting the body on the gurney as Rhys stood watching on in silent shock. Alice was beside him, her hand on his arm as she tried to comfort him but he didn't seem all that upset. Delayed shock maybe? Then he turned to look at her.

"It's the weirdest thing. I mean… me missus just sort of … lost her head there, ya know? I mean … shouldn't I be sad or something? Not…not…"

"Relieved? Freaked?" Owen was ever helpful in his offer to provide a suitable word "Hungry? Ianto WE ARE HUNGRY OVER … OWWWWW"

Toshiko had slapped Owen in the back of the head then smiled softly at Rhys "I think things between you and Gwen were strained as of late. The wedding plans, her and your mother not getting along … maybe it is a bit of a shock but if she had turned to you and said she wanted ot leave you, was shagging someone else…. would tht have been better? Or you telling her you were sick of her bullshit and leaving her? This way… it is simply a sad finished conversation without the need for the awkwardness."

"Yeah… yeah maybe that's it" he nodded "My Mam really didn't like her, aye!"

"Well I'm gonna go shower if no one is listening to me. Typical" Owen muttered to himself as he stomped off "Bloody typical. She gets shot and I get the slap. Even now she is passing the blame for her shit"

Toshiko followed him scolding gently now, wanting him to keep the grossness away from her workstation as he passed it, more than one piece of viscera sliding off as she made a noise of disgust and stepped around it with revulsion. Then she sighed and got some gloves to clean it up as she knew Ianto would otherwise and that was not fair.

"That's a shame" Alice said to Rhys as she rubbed his arm "Mind you, Stephen will need to have a strong woman in his future to get past me."

"Lovely little man" Rhys smiled at her "I wanted a son. A daughter would be nice too … like a footy team."

"Me too" she laughed then looked over to find her father staring at them both. She raised her eyebrows and he pursed his lips then moved away after Ianto.

"Yan?"

"You know I hate it when you call me that" Ianto scolded, turning to face him, the body now at the back of the SUV. "Will we give the Bakuu another chance? And what about Kev … him and Andy better cut that out or… what?"

"Sorry. I call you that in my head. Tiger. Yum-yan. Yani. Scrumpy … stuff like that" Jack rambled "Is Rhys hitting on my daughter?"

Ianto was still stuck on Yum-yan and nearing the acceptance of Scrumpy so he just shrugged, staring at Jack with confusion. Then he turned and shoved the body bag into the back of the SUV and Jack came to life again "Whatcha gonna do?"

"Going to take her and dump her somewhere the Heddlu can find her. Maybe with some spent casings for her weapon and some other calibre further along so it looks like a shooting where the attacker fled. Will keep them entertained for a fee days, her mother can cry she died in the line of duty .. maybe get a little plaque or some shit." Ianto shrugged. "I know we usually keep the bodies but she is still a probationary really and she was a shit agent!"

"You don't usually cuss like that. Are you mad at me?"

"Me? Why would I be mad Jack?"

Jack knew that was a trick question so he tilted his head to look at Ianto out the corner of his eye, something that sometimes helped with him for some reason and he was again taken with the handsome man smiling at him as he knew damned well Jack was thinking fast.

"Well .. OK. Maybe I should not have left Gwen at the base. Maybe not without gaffer tape and a chair … I had no idea she could fuck things up so quickly" he sighed then added" And I do acknowledge that you did warn me. Several time."

"Thank you" Ianto smiled then his smile slipped as he spied his mother moving at speed through the car park.

Jack turned to see why Ianto looked like that and his eyes widened as he saw the Bakuu warrior also moving fast, his face full of fear as she chased him with what appeared to be…. "Is that the salt shaker?"

"They hate salt" Ianto said, then slapped his head "Of course they hate salt. What am I thinking. Christ. Beepa hate grass … Bakuu hate salt. I knew that! Goddamned baby brain!"

Ianto then went back to closing the back of the SUV as Jack stood stock still staring at him in that weird 'deer in headlights' way he does when the end of the world is happening again.

He didn't have words really.

Not for that.

He did manage a grunt a River tore past, the Bakuu making a squealing noise now.

"Huh?"


	12. good talk?

DeeBeader

1-Get over it, Jack. Alice is an adult with a child. She doesn't need you to run interference with Rhys, who needs a good woman. You've got bigger things to worry about - like River and the Two Doctors and a pregnant Ianto to deal with; and stop with the stupid nicknames. Very annoying.  
2-Ianto-Your mother wants to confine you somewhere to t-a-l-k about your pregnancy. You know she can do it so MOVE that cute ass out of range!  
3-Good ending for the Gappy. The Heddlu will close the case and get her buried quickly. Rhys has found his mate.  
4-Please, River, put the salt shaker down. Ianto is going to be avoiding you and he's very good at hiding. Ask Jack how good he is at hiding.  
5-Tosh will make such a great godmother to Ianto and Jack's baby; Owen too, if he can keep his foot out of his mouth.

….

* * *

The Bakuu finally found a place to hide behind kev who was as surprised as Andy by this turn of events, Kev's face full of amusement as the creature held him up off his feet, it's hands under his arms like someone would a child. Kev was a big guy… don't get me wrong but apparently when alarmed they are pretty damned strong.

Andy's shock gave way to amusement and he started to giggle, Kev catching it too and he raised his arms in a 'whatever' motion as he was used as a shield against the advancing woman.

"Mama stop that!" Ianto said a he re-entered the Hub, the short jaunt to 'put out the trash' over and he had got something on the cuff of his favourite shirt. Damn it all, it was gonna stain. He just bloody knew it. This day was turning to shit in the worst possible way and he was so sick of this.

He slid down into the bunker below Jack's office still muttering to himself, pulling at Jack's drawers until he found the one he wanted, now pissed that Jack had rearranged everything again. He has a system. A good system, there is no need to shake it up every now and then for shits and giggles. I mean … who puts their socks with their neckties? Seriously? And he didn't know where Jack had put the boxers this time. This was so infuriating and he knew Jack was deliberately doing it like some passive aggressive thing because he didn't get the chocolate covered éclairs Jack wanted for breakfast.

Seriously though, look at this tum. It's starting to show … Ianto stood in front of the mirror looking impassively at the almost barely there bump and frowned as he caught movement behind him "Mama. This is Jack's space!"

"Yours too by the smell of it" she countered "so .. you and Captain Horn Dog. How long have you two been together behind my back?"

"Behind your…" Ianto swung to stare at her "Excuse me? Do I need your permission all of a sudden to love someone? Really? Oh mother, shame on you. Doctor Flirty McFlirt Bum! I will have you know, I have been with Jack…. Sexually for over a year. We don't just do it down here, oh no. We do it EVERYWHERE and sometimes … we just lay there touching each other's bodies. Jack got this edible body paint that glows I the dark, great for naked hide and…"

River had her hands over her ears, her eye wide with horror as she started to make noises to drown him out and he grinned as he stopped, his arms folding over the little bump now.

"You horrible child" she scolded angrily.

"You asked for it!"

"Darling… I just…. Naked…what?"

"Naked Hide-n-Seek." Ianto repeated "You never did that with Tadda? You both run around naked as jay-birds. Feels liberating and silly at the same time. Always ends with laughter and love."

She seemed to want to ponder this, then she shook her head "No. Back to this. Listen, you know male pregnancy is so dangerous darling, I didn't think I needed to get you birth control as you always showed your desire for the female form. It never occurred to me to explain the birds and bees or well… horn dogs to you … men. Do you want this? Are you ok?"

"I already knew as Taddy DID do the man talk. I am ok with this an I definitely want it. Sooooo happy. Just… still adjusting to it" he replied, his hand coving the bump as something moved in the shadows and he watched Jack materialise from the darkness to stand behind River with a strange look on his face.

"What can I do darling?" she asked, unaware of the crazed stalker "Do you want to come home with me? I could look after you, just of the first few years? I little pitter-patter of feet in the TARDIS would be nice again."

"Mama, I have my own TARDIS remember? She might take offence if I leave her for another, besides. We would kill each other if stuck together for that length of time. Too much alike, you and I. Cariad, do not attack my Mother, she is not a threat."

River swung with shock to find Jack so close their noses met.

"This is mine."

"He is not a….a… this!" she snarled.

"He means his space. This is his personal space down here" Ianto said as calmly as he could, watching her glare at the man then huff and step back as she saw that he was not afraid of her pestering Ianto into leaving him, more determined to make her move so he could get to Ianto. She started to look around at the metal walls of the bunker, seeing for the first time that this was not what she thought it was at all. How had he got this down here?

"Are you OK Tiger?" Jack asked as he got to Ianto and pulled him in, a kiss and a hand over his to check the bump.

"Just hungry actually. Do you think Rhys is recovered enough to check the lasagne I can smell?" Ianto replied, taking another kiss.

"I will check for you" Jack said as he headed up the ladder and Ianto turned to look at his mother.

"I only want what is best for you kitten!" she said as she sighed and gave in. "Darling … how did this get down here? You do know what we are standing in right? Sweetie?"

"Mama … don't Beepa move in packs? Why was there just the one?" Ianto said suddenly as his baby brain cleared the fog for a moment … "Shit. Where did she get it from?"

Ianto rushed to have Toshiko do a retrace of Gwen's steps in case more fluffs were rampaging about the city and Jack watched Rhys place the Lasagne on the table. Alice leaded over and took a deep breath "Oh my god, is there Garlic in that?"

"Yeah. Crush it fresh myself" Rhys said with pride as she smacked her lips.

Nice to see someone excited fir his food.

Gwen hated garlic in it.

Tosh sighed as she turned in her seat to look at Ianto who was watching the screen with a deep frown.

Owen was passing and happened to glance over, pausing to watch was well, then he said softly "Well … oops?"

.

.

.

.

What did they find? Beepa or Bakuu… or something else?

Come on guys … what do you think?


	13. technocolour madness

FranArian  
Large group of Beepa...thought they'd be clever and use the sewers to get into the Hub and are now just a big heap of furry finger food for the Weevils who had loads of fun hunting them down, and they would now like Torchwood to negotiate with the Bakuu for a similar "care package" this time each year as it's actually one of their race's festivals (rather like a Weevil-y Harvest Fest).

Or maybe the little buggers took a wrong turn in their rampage and all played lemmings into the Bay so you now have a big floating blob of drowned Beepa causing a stink (perhaps litterally...wet Beepa...Eeeewwww!).

Or the Beepa pack tracked their Gwen-snatched member back to the Millennium Centre but can't figure out how to get into the Hub and the Oval Basin is now a wriggling, squealing sea of rabid alien hamsters.

I think Ianto is going to decide whatever the problem is, he's not handling it because he's hungry (he's eating for two, damn it!). He's likely going to sit down for a meal with Jack, Rhys, Alice and Stephen, and strongly suggest his parents deal with whatever the situation is (since they helped cause it)...which is just another way of saying "let the games begin".

Eleana666  
Probably a fuzzy Beepa going for the lasagna! However, they are allergic to garlic and all those Beepa hidden around began to die from the scent of it! Thank goodness! At least that threat is gone now! Hmmm.? Maybe?

Brose1001  
Hrm. Well, I have been tye-dying today, and have the patterns on me brain.  
So! How about...tye-dyed beepa that a bunch of kids got a-hold of. And now they are either rampaging in fury at their multi-colored fur, or they have called in the rest of their squad, and are chasing the kids begging for more tye-dye hahahaha

st_mick \- The Beepa have discovered a distillery, and taken it over. They're either mean drunks, or extremely affectionate drunks. No middle ground. And you don't know until they're on you which way it's going to go - they're either there to attack you or have a cuddle...The distillery staff are being held hostage and will be released in exchange for Bakuu are face-palming over the fiasco that this invasion has become.

Wicked_Wench

Maybe neither Tosh or Owen knew Ianto was pregnant yet?

KathyC

The Beepa found the remains of Gappy and have started to feast. And wouldn't you know it, they procreate like the ass blasters from Tremors 2. Get enough to eat and they vomit up a baby Beepa. Soon there are hundreds of the little maniacs running roughshod all over Cardiff.

DeeBeader

1-Well, well, well, Jack has a hidden spaceship as his quarters... could it be some of the remains of the Chula ship he had, pieces that he found which re-entered the atmosphere? And Jack, no sneaking up on River. She has a Sonic Screwdriver and knows how to use it. She's also your mother-in-law... and Ianto might get very pissed if you hurt his mother.  
2-Ianto, Ianto, Ianto... get your Tardis, take Jack for a ride and hide from your Mama until AFTER the baby is born... for, maybe, 10 years? Send her pictures for the duration. (that was so great, scandalizing her with your naughty play deeds :D :D :D)  
3- The Beepa and the Bakuu invasion force have discovered the equivalent of marijuana on this planet - Dandelions! (makes a damn good wine...) Stoned Beepa staggering in the street with a bad case of the munchies + cake shops + odd liquids = mayhem?

…..

* * *

Well we all seem to agree that it should be loud, colourful and messy Hmmmmmmmm

…

* * *

"So… it seems that they have followed something this way, the wave of them is definitely converging on the Plaza based on the calculations" Tosh said as calmly as she could "I estimate a total overload of fluffs within two hours."

"Well … my main concern is not those ones … it's the ones that found the shopping mall over to the North of us" Owen replied "Look … little shits have found the booze."

"What?" Jack pushed the chair he was in the casters sending him backwards across the Hub to watch as the little fuzz balls rolled around on the mall, people screaming and running as they descended on them like rabid rats. Fat ones. Jack's mouth fell open as doors flew open form the nearby paint shop, multicoloured fluffs now rampaging with an interesting kaleidoscope of colour starting to decorate the floor of the mall as paint soaked Beepa rambled about slamming into each other and anything else they could find.

"Well … is it the booze or the grass making them do that?" Tosh asked, frowning as she noticed something else "Oh no."

"Oh no what?" Jack was rolling towards her, his feet peddling as Ianto calmly walked past to look for himself.

Some were to the plaza, slamming into each other and then tumbling into the bay below with little squeals.

"Right. Part Lemming" Owen muttered.

"That ws not real" Ianto turned to face Owen with a look of exasperation "The Great Lemming Migration was fake. Disney deliberately forced them to do that, filmed it and made it all up for something to do. Lemmings do not run off cliffs every year, think about it. They would all be dead. Extinct."

Owen was staring at Ianto with wide eyes and then he said in a little voce "Disney? Disney… lied?"

"They call is Fake News now I think" 12 said with a frown, then a squeak as River appeared beside him, her on frown deep and he looked at her, did a double take and leaned over to his younger self "What's her boggle?"

"Don't' know. Something to do with Squish" 11 replied in a low tone "I don't know what he has done but she is murderous."

"Huh" 12 shrugged, knowing his son was capable of great things. Naughty things too.

"It's not booze." Ianto was leaning forward, the coat jacket falling open and Owen looked up from where he was kneeling to plug in another screen, looking straight up at the little bump with surprise. Ianto unaware that someone had just clocked the baby continued to speak "It's the water. Look, they are all moving through the little water fountain at the mall and look here, puddles… the gutters … it's the rain. The rain it making them… oh no. The bay. If they like water… oh no!"

Ianto straightened up to look at Jack with horror as Jack motioned for Tosh to change cameras to the one overlooking the bay which showed a sea of fluffiness.

"Fuck me!" Ianto sighed.

"Looks like someone already did" Owen pointed "Mate … bloated much? What did you have for breakfast. You know you need to watch your diet, you look preggers toady!"

Ianto's face changed to one of horror as he looked over at his parentals, the mother frowning, the older's face one of open shock as the younger…ah….here we go.

11 let out a shriek of glee leaping in the air and running for Ianto "BABY! A BABY! MY BABY IS HAVING A BABY? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

This incarnation likes babies" Ianto said softly to a startled Jack "Did you know he speaks baby? My Tad?"

"What?"

Yah. He speaks baby, has taught me some of it but he is fluent!" Ianto nodded then went back to talking to Tosh like nothing had just happened, the plate of scones Alice had been carrying slowly sliding towards the floor as she stood in the doorway with her mouth open listening to the conversation.

"Careful love" Rhys saved the scones, lifting the plate before everything was lost and hummed as he headed for the coffee table by the old sofa "Scones, get them while they are hot!"

"It's not just water … look at the village green" Tosh said as she clicked to a nearby village, overrun with the creatures as well as the large Bakuu warriors. They were all in the green centre, kneeling as they picked dandelions and shoved them in their moths like they were starving, humming as they enjoyed the feast.

"Flowers."

"No … they are not just a flower. They are an …oooooooo" 11 leaned back from the screen as Ianto made a small noise of alarm.

"Aphrodisiac. Right?" Ianto groaned "Are we about to see a bloody orgy out there with off their faces Bakuu? Oh gods, we will be the laughing stock of the universe if we defeat them with bloody weeds! Ewwww, not … arg … one is getting their kit off!"

"Well … they seem happy enough … for such … wow… for big creatures they have little…." Owen shrugged then his face changed as his workstation lit up with alarms and lights going off. He ran over and started to curse, slamming buttons and making small noises of alarm.

"Owen?" Jack says calmly as he rolls past again now with his feet up trying for speed over precision "Can you tell me what you are seeing?"

"They are multiplying" Tosh called out "They are eating the garbage and multiplying like bloody Gremlins or…. Oh no. Gwen's body was left by dumpsters ….ewwwwwwwww"

"Owen?" Jack ignored her as he watched Owen freak out.

"They are in the tunnels OK? The little furry fucks are in the tunnels trying to find us and the Weevils are rampaging" Owen cried out with concern "They are like… sharks in a feeding frenzy. Look… fur is practically flying down there. They will get tummy aches with those fur balls!"

"I fell ill" Ianto suddenly blurted, turning a terrible shade before turning and throwing up on the wastepaper bin.

Everyone stared at him as he made a noise of disgust, then did it again.

"Turn it off, turn it all off" Jack demanded, leaping from the chair that flew back into the water pool as he raced to Ianto, "Come on love. Come sit over here. Morning sickness is a terrible thing, come on. Sit down, Rhys… water!"

"Hang on a sec …. What is going on here!" Owen rose and started looking around the Hub "Where are they … The hidden cameras, come on. Is Ants and Dec about to leap out laughing at me or something?"

Ianto sighed, and then threw up again.

.

.

.

.

Oh dear… what a mess. You lot are horrible.


	14. pink noodle

DarqueQueen7

Oh, My God! The automated voice is reading this to me and I can't stop laughing! Hilarious! Hmmm. What next?

The Doctors make a machine to send all of the invader fluffs back, 11 and 12 give Jack a stern talking to while River slips Jack a set of bonding rings. And in front of everyone, Jack professes his love to Ianto and they perform the Bonding Ceremony. Then everyone sits down to eat while the Doctors and River promise to be back to check on them and the baby often. And to help if Torchwood is in a spot of bother. Jack gets indignant, Owen asks Tosh out on a date, Martha calls about the Pharm only to say it's burned down to the ground while 11 and 12 look at each other and nod. Rhys and Alice keep giving each other looks of appreciation as Stephen asks Rhys anout football. And...oh! Kev asks Andy out on a date!

Have at it, Writer!

../

FranArian

We aim to please, sweetie.

Sooo...next round of mayhem...

Best way to control the Bakuu looking to orgy-up, is to have a convenient friend of Ianto's use a cropduster to drop epsom salt over the whole area (kills the libido and makes the buggers itch like mad so they'll flee to their ships and hopefully flee the planet, plus it has the surprising additional effect of putting the Beepa to sleep).

There's going to be a three ring circus in the Hub regarding Ianto's pregnancy, and he'll probably end up going hormonal on them, telling them all the fuck off and hiding in the bunker (with Jack promising to bring him a nice meal and rub his feet later).

And the parentals really need to step up and help clean up the failed Invasion (they can alter memories with their various toys, yeah? so no Retcon needed).

/

KathyC

OMG. ROTFLMAO. LOLOLOLOLOL!

This is just too good.

Okay, once Owen gets over himself Ianto gets pulled down to the autopsy bay for a thorough exam. I mean, how many pregnant men will Owen get to examine?

So, the fluffs in the sewers are goners, where are the feral cats to take care of the ones in the park? And, I think I remember that something big lived in the lake. At least, I think I remember that. If so, then the Beepa can be a nice treat.

Not sure what to do about the Bakuu. They're a bit much for most to handle. Maybe while in their post orgasmic haze they can all be shrunk using some alien tech Ianto has in his archives. Then they can be scooped up, put back on their ship and blasted back out into space.

Either way, thanks for keeping us laughing through the madness that is our current realit

/

KatWillow60

Do we know where the ship is? Is flight ready?

/

Wicked_Wench

I love how you're able to fit in so many pieces of our random thoughts. Really enjoying this, thank you!

/

st_mick

This is just too fun!

How about Kev getting a snootful of dandelion when he goes with the rest to try to round up the Bakuu? Cue the Barry White music as soon as he spots Andy, who somehow succumbs to his wiles (maybe Bakuu sleepers high on dandelions emit Jack-like pheromones?). Their... alliance represents a pact of peace, but the Beepa are too high to be reined in, just yet. Plus, they're really pissed at the Weevils for eating so many of their brethren.

/

DeeBeader

1-Welcome to the Rabbit Hole, Alice, otherwise known as the Hub! The Chief HighPriest of all this Weirdness: your father, Jack and his partner-sidekick, Ianto Jones! And yes, you heard right: Ianto is PREGGERS! Be ready to babysit, heh heh heh...  
2-Well, pregnancy reality has evidenced itself by the upset delicate tummy of TimeLord Ianto Jones! This is gonna be a fun-filled 9 months, active baby, raging mother-in-law and two crazy Doctors plus Owen. Jack should suffer the incidental pangs of pregnancy hell over this; demanding diva, pregzilla and seriously weird eating habits.  
3-what does 11 know about Bakuu and dandelions?  
4-Gods help us if the Beepas who ate Gwen start to look like her!

I am serious stunned and laughing at your ability to form something coherent from all these demented suggestions!

/

KatWillow60

Maybe garlic is an antidote? Where is that lasagna?

You are sweet song is this too quiet world Tha 🙏

…..

Right… let's see what I can do with this today hmmmmm

….

* * *

"Ah… clean up aisle three…four… and eight" Owen said in a silly voice as he watched the madness on the screen, Ianto sick to death of the entire day… latterly as he threw up again and moaned softly at the back spasm that accompanied it.

Jack was torn between saving the world and comforting Ianto, turning to River more than once with a helpless look before turning back to the screens, knowing Ianto would not like fussing right now. But damn he wanted to.

The sea of fluff in the bay was undulating and Toshiko swore softly as she started to rise from her chair then she said with alarm "It's come!"

"Huh?" Jack turned to ask her what the hell she meant by that when a massive tentacle rose out of the water and slammed down on the fluffy scourge and distant screaming started as the stupid little drowning things now became a snack. "Oh shit. The Kraken."

Yeah. The Kraken. Jack had forgotten about him. Someone Ianto occasionally fed a dead body to, cursed about as he fixed another bite out of the Flat Holm boat…yeah. Karl the Kraken. Ianto's pet was in a feeding frenzy as the bay bubbled and boiled, Ianto groaning a he looked up to see what was happening "Oh no. He will be unstoppable for days!"

"Well… they did wake him up" Owen shrugged not really caring as he NEVER went out on the bay these days, not since he watched Karl eat an entire space whale that time. Ewwwwwwww.

"Oh-oh" 11 said softly to 12 as he looked at another screen "look over here …ah… me. Look."

"Ooooooo, that's not something you see every day" 12 agreed as he slid his hands into his pockets and the two stood together in companionable silence as the rampaging in the screen finally got Ianto's attention and his mouth fell open as Gwen stomped from an alleyway…well….. now… Gwens. What? "Ideas?"

"Well … she clearly has Rift residue on her from working here right next to that bloody machine of Jack's … I go … they ate her and are now assimilating" 12 offered like they were discussing a sports show or something "I mean .. they do not have bipedal walking down yet, she looks drunk. Well … all of her."

So far eight miniature Gwens the size of a dog had staggered from the alleyway and 11 hummed as one suddenly stopped and started to talk to the others "Oh dear. She seems to be rallying the troops."

"Tad?" Ianto said calmly his eyebrows so close they were practically touching "Care to go clean that up for me?"

"Ooooooo, do we have to?" 12 turned to look at hi son and saw the look he knew well. He wife wore if before pain started. Oh. Ok. "Now?"

Now Taddy. Please" Ianto nodded and the two Doctors looked at another and to everyone's surprise they did an impromptu game of Paper-Rock-Scissors to see who had to go.

Ianto was not in the mood as they decided on the best out of three and said "The other one has to go sort Karl before he eats the boats at the moorings as well. He gets quirt shirty when in a frenzy"

"I bags the mini-Gwens" 11 swing to run as 12 looked at Ianto then heard his younger self get the better gig and he roared after him that he was a little punk!

"Right that gets rid of them for a little while." Ianto turned ot face his mother who was holding to some crackers and a glass of water, her smile fading slightly as his look now shone on her like a death ray. She placed them down and took a step back.

"Mother"

"Sweetie?"

"Owen is super worried about those below in the sewer system. Could you please flush the system out with some of that sonic sound?" Ianto asked with an icy calm "The Weevils are deaf on the third frequency so please try that. He would rather keep his pets."

"She can do that?" Owen asked with interest.

Ianto ignored the question and turned to Jack "Cariad. The Bakuu having a naked orgy in the field of dandelions? Maybe we need to break that up before one explodes or something?"

"I don't know if they actually explode Tiger" Jack pulled a face "It's more of…oh. Right. You mean…. Right. Spunk everywhere. Right. Sorry… had an image of one going off like a land mine BOOOM!"

Jack did the hand motions for an explosion along with the noise and Owen started to snigger as Ianto leaned back slightly on his heels and deepened the glare, Jack's smile fading slightly as he saw the lack of humour in his mate, so he cleared his throat and clapped his hands together "right. OK love, right. Owen, with me! Toshiko, ah … check for any lingering fluffs will you?"

Jack strode out of the Hub with Owen running after him, the space travellers heading in other directions leaving Ianto and Toshiko in the Hub. He slowly turned to look at her and she shrugged at him as they both knew the Beepa were now all in the bay, those still falling in the last of them. It had been the weirdest cull in history.

"Toshiko, I am heading after those idiots … can you please get me Old Man Smothers on the Coms?" Ianto asked sweetly and she node as he calmly walked out after the two idiots who were now at the SUV clambering in as they talked excitedly about options then their voices petered off as they looked around the SUV , then at one another.

The passenger door opened and Ianto looked at Owen "Move to the back."

"I called shotgun"

"I call hand gun."

"Ooooo, good one" owned sniggered sliding to the back seat as Ianto tapped his sidearm menacingly then Ianto clambered in and turned to Jack "Want the keys now sir?"

Jack grinned at Ianto sheepishly and nodded accepting them from Ianto's hand. They drove out into the sunlight and Ianto sighed as they caught air, Owen hooting encouragement as a car veered around them and hit a fire hydrant, Owen looking back to crow.

"That's gonna hurt" Andy said and Ianto swing to find Andy and Kev in the back seat, both sitting there with matching looks of excitement. Then Ianto saw the Bakuu Warrior sitting in the boot of the vehicle, wresting with looked like a pool noodle. Pink. Ianto didn't even know they had a pink pool noodle. Why?

"Ah… what is he doing with that?"

"You do NOT want to know" Andy pulled a face "But he's been doing it for a while and I do not know how they have that much stamina. REALLY fond of pink I think."

"Ew" Owen said with a screwed up face "That was mine. I used it to poke the dead bodies when they fart."

"What?" Jack blinked, and then looked at Ianto who nodded to agree that bodies do fart, and then Jack shrugged and swung the wheel. Owen asked Andy about where to take Toshiko for a date like it was just a Sunday drive and Andy was not sure if he was being funny or not, Kev leaning around them to check Owen was not touching his fella … more than once.

They arived at the village green full of writhing, excited Bakuu and the back of the SU swung open and their …well he is sort of their one … got out and made a yelling noise holding up the pool noodle and the others stopped that were closest, yelled back and he ran into the orgy swinging it.

"Ewwwwww, did something fly out?" Owen asked.

"Don't look" Ianto advised, "Nightmare stuff, that."

"yeah" Owen shivered and looked away as Ken slid out and reached back in, puling Andy out like he was child despite his protests.

"There we go little one" Kev crooned, now patting Andy's hair and crooning at him before turning to look at the madness "Why are they .. what are those?"

Andy followed Kev as he approached a lump of dandelions and plucked one, sniffing the yellow flower with interest then nibbling delicately at the leaves. Jack swung in time to see and called out a warning but he was too late, Andy yelping as he was seized and thrown back into the SUV, Kev clambering in after him with the doors slamming shut.

"Shit. Will he be OK?" Owen asked then swore again, stepping away from the vehicle as it started to bounce and shake… distant howls from within that they were not sure were Andy's or Kev's.

"Wow. I think it's a mating call" Jack said with wide eyes "Kev REALLY wants a baby with Andy."

Ianto glanced over at the vehicle and muttered "I think we have enough of those in the mix right now. Come on."

"What?" Jack jogged alongside the long loping Welsh…oh. Actually … I guess he's a Timelord? Well … still talks Welsh right? Jack pondered this and decided Ianto was still Welsh, probably born here as he liked it and they do love their place of birth, hence the Doctor's melancholy at the downfall of Gallifrey.

"Jack?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Focus" Ianto said then stooped walking, standing at the edge of the orgy, his finger to his ear "Smithers! Hello you salty bastard. Listen, you know how I had you dump that vinegar on that field that time and then I gave you ALLL that money to shut up? Care for some more? Yeah? No, not vinegar this time. I know… you plane must have smelt like fish and chips for ages. No … Epsom Salts. Hmmmm. The salt flats? Yeah. Can you go do a scoop and run? Yeah? Which one is he? Ah… Susan's boy? Wow, did not know he was that old … still see him as a young pup. Wow. Eighteen. What a world … yes use him."

"Yan?"

"Right. Smithers is going to get his grandson to help full the plane with Epsom Salts, then will do a flyover and crop dust the lot of them. We will see some incredible reverse of libidos and hopefully a sudden desire to leave this place instead of shag like disgusting porn stars in a five dollar production." Ianto said to Jack who clapped his hands tougher. He liked Smithers.

"Did I hear right? Dwane is eighteen now?"

"Yeah, time flies right?" Ianto nodded and they looked at one another with a moment of affection, both remembering the child they had saved from a Hillosig invasion so long ago. Well … maybe three years ago?

They had time to stand and talk about that day, almost twenty minutes with the noise of groaning and mating roars, the SUV's suspension starting to make sounds that meant it might need re-greasing later and then the radio in the SUV started to play Barry White, the three men turning slowly to stare at it with interest.

Then the sound of the distant plane growing closer and the plane flew low, releasing it's cargo and the orgy did indeed stop. Shrieking now as they parted ways… those that seemed…er… knotted unable to do so …. so they ran clutching one another as their ships' doors roped to let them in.

"there he goes" Owen said with fake sniffing and sorrow "Our little man, into the big wide universe with his pool noodle."

They watched a Bakuu waving the noodle as he disappeared into the ship and Owen started to snort, then laugh softly "What a fucked up day."

They drove back to the hub in silence, passing the 'Gwens' or the remains of them as the swarm of Alley Cats that had descended tore at them like massive rats. Ianto found himself wanting to look again and forcing himself not to. A day for double takes. Ewwwww. Why did they all have such big tits?

They got back to the Hub to find the Doctors arguing between themselves, Rive included and Ianto glanced at Jack "I don't like that. It's always bad when they argue."

"Why?"

"Because eventually they will agree Cariad" Ianto grumbled, nodding to Toshiko for a report.

"The bay is clear, Karl is full. Below was cleared and the Weevils are sulking. Owen will need to ro;l some pumpkins down there later or something. I think they are going vegan for a few days after all that rich meat. Ah … the Younger Doctor called all the cats in the neighbourhood into the alley, you saw that right? Well … oh … we are getting hailed by the Bakuu High Council" she said and Jack pointed to the wall screen.

"Greetings Sol3"

"Hello there…ah…. Foriggita?" 12 said calmly as he leaned around Jack to look at the huge Bakuu statesman in full warrior dress "Well, did you make it to the board in the end? Good for you."

"Doctor?"

"Yes. This is my planet. Well … my favourite one. You know, I hang out here a lot. I thought we agreed that this was mine?" 12 said and then River tapped out on the other side of Jack who took his cue and stepped back a few steps to get out of the picture, leaning them to browbeat the official from the other species that had thought he was calling to scold only to find he was about to get handed his arse on a plate.

11 was waiting and seized Jack "Come here!"

Jack squealed and found himself in the kitchen with 11 "Now. Jack. Jakitty Jackie Jack. You are a bad boy but… my boy loves you and he is having your spawn. Is that right? No. Baby. Yes. Right listen. What is that?"

"An egg whisk."

"Whisk. Interesting word. WHHHHHHisk." The Doctor pondered then shook himself, "right. Hang on, where was I?"

"Whisk?"

"No, before that. Right. The boy. Yes. Listen you horn dogged little shit. Right. Sorry, too strong? Right. Ah… here. Take these and get it right. Yeah? Good talk. Good. Yes. Whisk. RIVER, LOOK A WHISK. BABE?"

The Doctor bounced out of the kitchen as Jack stood gapping after him, the he opened his hand to see what he had been given and he found to pristine bonding rings gleaming back at him.

"Oh wow. A shotgun wedding?" he whispered to himself with surprise and mild glee "Or.. a sonic one?"

"Right, thanks" 12 said as the screen went dark and the treaty was finalised with apologises from a startled and slightly afraid Bakuu Council. "Toshiko love, any chance of getting us on all the TV screen for a mo?"

Toshiko let her fingers do the talking as she took over all communications for screens including all phones etc. Ianto was watching and felt Owen's tug on his sleeve as Owen leaned in and whispered "Can I scan you?"

Ianto nodded allowing this as he knew it would please Owen who had to drag a semi-conscious Andy and Kev out of the SUV later …. and he really wanted to see for himself, the birth date something he need to know I guess. They wandered down to the autopsy bay where they found Rhys and Alice with Stephen, all silently reading files. Oops. Owen looked at Ianto with an apologetic shrug and said softly "I know. I forgot to put them away. Shoot me!"

"One day Owen.. I just might!"

Toshiko nodded to 12 who looked into the camera, every TV and screen suddenly his stern glare.

"Hello there. I want to talk to you all about the events of toady. Look at this shiny thing. It's called a Sonic Screwdriver. Cute, eh? I made it myself, now if you touch this button here you can see a big red light …" Toshiko looked away quickly as it pulsed on the screen, knowing full well where the idea for Men In Back came from after all and finally the Doctor said "Too-de-loo."

She cut the feed and glanced over at him only to see him dancing with River around the Hub like he had not just mid-wiped an entire city.

Crazy day!


	15. impending spawn

FranArian  
Good clean-up.

I get the feeling River is going to go mental when she finds out 12 undercut her by giving the rings to Jack, so likely still some family drama to come...probably more than "some" when Owen's scan shows twins (snicker...might even get Jack to faint with that one).

And when Alice comes clean to Stephen about Jack being his Grandfather, (he's handled Torchwood weirdness like a pro so far, so why not) there'll be drama on both sides of the family (though I think with Stephen it won't be so much drama as mad-dog wild abandon because he thinks it's so incredibly cool).

We'll have to work the Bonding in there, but I honestly think it'll have to wait until after the meal, or Ianto's liable to kill someone (do NOT deprive the pregnant Welshman of his meal).

Who knows...maybe a month down the line, Andy will get a big surprise when Kev tells him he's expecting (ooops...did he forget to mention that Bakuu normally have litters of 5...amazing how Kuu's start out so tiny and get so bloody big when they mature).

Hmmm...yeah, I think that'll keep things rolling for a bit. Hehehehehe.

DeeBeader

1-Ianto has a pet Kraken?! How does IANTO wind up with all the cool pets?!  
2-OMG The-Ianto-Jones-Stare-of-Death-Before-Mayhem-Starts look... Now THAT's how one gets rid of annoying parentals and partner! (Somehow I'm getting a 'visual' of GDL doing this exact look ...)  
3-Owen, a shotgun hurts more than a handgun in Ianto's hand. Don't be stupid. You have to help Andy...  
4-OOOoooooohhhhh there's gotta be more of that 'talk' between the Doctors, Jack and River over Ianto and the baby...

Comment Actions

KathyC

This whole ride has been too much fun.

So, the Beepa are digested. The Bakuu are gone. And Taddy has wiped everyone's minds of the whole event. Good show.

Now, Jack, officially bring Andy and Rhys into Torchwood. Kev too, I guess. After that, you've got a bonding to prepare for.

…

* * *

Right… hang on… um….

…

* * *

"So … you are my Granddad?" Stephen asked as he looked up from a file "Like… hundreds of years old?"

"Yes" Jack said with concern, watching his grandson's face light up as Stephen nodded.

"Cool"

He went back to the file like it was no big deal and Alice shrugged, leaning over to read the file too.

"Well ….OK. Cool" Jack said slowly as he stepped away and looked over at the two men in conversation. Kev and Rhys. Rhys was a good man, clear headed and calm. Jack decided to talk to Ianto about that, maybe he would be a good addition to Torchwood, Andy for sure. Kev? Not sure what to do with him. Still a bloody sleeper but… he was sort of… well … nice eye candy if nothing else. Andy was clearly smitten and some extra muscle was never a bad thing.

Jack turned to ask Ianto his opinion only to finally notice that he had slipped off somewhere and he went in search of him, if only to comfort him if he could. It had been a trying day, a very annoying one for Ianto who hated being looked at, talked about and noticed at all really. Ianto liked being a wraith, a wall flower. A Watcher. He could gave the Silence a run for their money he was so good at it.

Jack entered the bunker and accepted that his mate was clearly not there, the place smelt … empty.

He pondered then went to the other place he knew Ianto like to go and that was a back room in the archives deep in the bowels of this place below the standard archives everyone used. Down at the bottom of the stairs a plain red door sat and Jack pushed it open to step into Ianto's room full of books, tat and a comfortable set of mismatched furniture that seemed to work. Ianto was currently standing behind an ugly wing backed chair with his jacket and shirt thrown over the back, his naked chest with that fuzzy hair Jack loves so much getting checked over by Owen.

Huh. He hadn't noticed that one slipping out either.

"Ianto? Are you OK lover?" Jack asked softly as he entered and walked around the chair, his eyes going to the barely there pot belly now able to be seen without the suit to flatten the area. Now Jack could see a life within and he felt such a rush of excitement from it.

"He's fine. I was not going to examine him in the bay with Alice and Stephen there. Rhys would be cool with it but… not in front of the woman and child yeah?" Owen said without looking up, "besides they have trashed the place."

"So?" Ianto asked.

Prefect. Little bottler is perfect. Great heartbeat, everything… hang on. Why do you only have one? Don't your sort have two?" Owen asked.

"Synchronicity. Our hearts beat as one so not even sounding like a murmur unless you listened right here by this rib, there might be a slight echo." Ianto pointed and Owen tried, grinning as he finally heart a slight echo.

"Right, you are fine and I am out of here."

"Thank you Owen" Jack said as he let Owen leave then turned to Ianto as the door slowly closed as if automatic "Right. I wanted to say something to you without other ears too."

"Ah… OK?"

"Ianto … sorry I am so wrapped up in my work. I know it is something you both like and hate in me… my determination. I will try harder OK? But we both know I am a twat prone to twat-like tendencies and you will have to remind me sometimes. Please forgive me and know I will feel horrible each time you do remind me?" Jack pulled him closer, his hands running over his lover's back as he whispered "And can we shag now? A quick one? I really…REALLY.. don't think it is fair that you are half naked and I am not!"

"Jack…" Ianto laughed, letting him kiss him and as Jack lowered Ianto to the sofa he could have sworn the lighting changed to something softer.

Nice room this.

.

.

.

.

"What do you mean you gave him the rings?" River hissed at her husband(s) with anger "It's too soon. He needs time to think about it and you know it will be an issue if he says no!"

"He wouldn't say no!"

"How do you know that? This is Ianto we are talking about, the one who refuses to even call himself by his given name let alone fly that TARDIS he keeps like a …a…a…storage room!" she waved her arms around and 12 frowned.

"Hey, come on now. He loves his TARDIS and you know it is so much younger than mine. Of course it does not want to travel much and neither does he. Nothing wrong with being a homebody and we have argued this point in at least four different incarnations. If he prefers Ianto to Archivist then ... that is his decision!"

"I agree" 11 nodded "Squishy is more than capable of flying his girl, he chooses not to. Do we not take time out sometimes and let it all burn? He has us to do stuff, he is still so young and now seeded … River. You are hard on our son."

"He has so much potential!" she snapped.

"Your parents wanted everything for you, I never heard Amy scolding you" 11 whispered as 12 made a face in warning that his younger self was now getting close to a smacking.

"The fact is… Jack has the rings. I am sorry you feel it is not fair that our own wedding was not Gallifreyan but I do not think theirs will be either. If I know Jack some Boeshanninan crap will be rolled into it and Sol3 have lovely ceremonies… let's just let them have this time yeah?" 12 soothed and she sighed softly.

Kev chose that moment to wander past and pause to look at them and crook a finger "Woman. Come here, I see flames in your hair. Where did that happen from?"

"I am a redhead. It's the colour of my hair" she said as she let him touch the curls with interest, "Same as Andy's hair is sort of blondish. We have different appearances, not all identical as your kind are. Reliant on smell to tell one another apart must suck, we have individualities that are clearly visible."

"I like that about this place, these species. I like his" Kev hooked a finger at Andy who was passing with Rhys as they headed to the kitchen to sort some food "A good mate. Our spawn will be mighty."

"Oh dear" 11 said softly "He didn't."

"Oh… I think he did" 12 replied as he whipped out his sonic and waved it at Kev "Oooohhhhh boy. Yep. Look at that."

He held the sonic to his younger self's face and they both took a moment to look at one another than the sniggering started "Junior is gonna have a Ferboliddac Cow!"

"Imagine all of them when they start walking?" 12 was giggling "It's going to be like an infestation."

"Don't tell him" 11 grabbed his older self's shoulder "Don't' say. Let's watch. Oooo, it will be…"

"What are you two up to?" River demanded.

"Just saying that it is exciting, children…birth… all that. Maybe we need to stick around and be there… for them." 11 was trying to keep a straight face "Yes?"

12 had a better poker face of course "Yes. Come on River dear. Sweetie, he will need a mother's touch when he starts to get …fatter… his self image is so important to him. Your love and guidance… yes. We need to stick about for this."

"Both of you agreeing like this" she frowned "what are you up to?"

"Nothing" they said as one, wide eyes like two little boys with their fingers in the cookie jar together.

Yes. Kev had eggs and it was gonna be soooo epic when they hatch. Two sets of hands rubbed together and River's eyes narrowed as she caught it, not sure if she liked this or not.

Rule number one.

The Doctor Lies.


	16. Slime?  Wait... what smell?

FranArian  
I think we now know where Ianto's TARDIS is...clever girl, hiding in plain sight.

OMG! They think Ianto is going explode over Kev and Andy having spawn? Wait until he finds out the Meddling Trio will be hanging about for the next however many months. He is not going to be a happy Welshman.

And though Jack may enjoy them being there for a few days, a few months is going to drive him right out of his tree (especially if they're always trying to give him "advice" on his relationship with 'Squishy' and parenting...the On Coming Storm and company just might get to see the Boeshane Bastard in all his hellish glory).

Never a dull moment, yeah?

/

/

KathyC

But, it's not the Doctor's secret to tell, River. Wouldn't you agree that the daddy should be the first to know?

/

DeeBeader

1-Ianto keeps his TARDIS as a "storage room"…?! And I LOVE he's really the Archivist (of Gallifrey). Nice rings too!

2-What did Andy do?! And why is Ianto gonna have a "Ferboliddac Cow" when he finds out?

3- I'm LOVING how the two Doctors are in synch with pure mischief over these two pregnancies! River, how did you ever forget the Doctor LIES - and there are TWO of them here! Oooooo what if 10 showed up when Kev gives birth? How would River, Ianto and the other two Doctors act?

…

* * *

It had been two weeks. Just two little old insignificant weeks right? Nah, get a grip here… I am talking two weeks with two Doctors…a River and Kev all in the Hub with the team…er…Ianto. A preggers Ianto at that.

Jack had been a little excited at first, having these incarnations to get to know, even if he sort of did miss 10. Don't get me wrong, his first kiss was with 9 but… 10 is kinda his doc ya know? To have two so readily available was great. 11 was always up for a game and 12 was sooo insightful. 11 didn't like big 'meaning of life' conversations but 12 would spend house talking over the reason for the sea being salt and stuff. Jack was fascinated. He was slowly coming to the realisation that Ianto was NOT so happy with the deal, his face settling into his 'Resting Bitch Face' usually by about ten in the morning and deepening as the day wore on.

Also… Ianto was retiring earlier than usual and Jack was unsure if it was the baby or the company that was forcing him into the bunker… mostly with it closed. Mind you, it was nice to follow him for some extra cuddles. Ianto was not really a touchy-feely kinda guy but in bed he did like a cuddle. Jack ALWAYS likes those.

Today something was amiss, before the ten in the morning benchmark. Ianto's face had changed when they rose that morning, seemingly the moment they entered the Hub it clicked into a bland angry butler and was settled already for the day. Jack looked around the Hub but could not possibly see what was wrong. What had happened already? God damn it! I mean … 11 and Owen were dissecting something with music playing … oh. I mean… with 12 playing an electric guitar on the Bay's steps. River was sitting with Toshiko pulling apart a piece of tech and excitedly talking about crystals or something… Rhys was there. Had called in with a jacket for Gwen she had forgotten in her rush to get to work and he was happily telling her his route for the day and asking if she wanted dinner… dinner? Was tht it? Jack wondered if he needed to make reservations somewhere and fuss a little. Was that it?

Kev was sitting in the sofa with his hands slowly rubbing his engorged stomach…ooo… someone dropped in the night. He looks soooo preggers now, yesterday you couldn't even see but this morning he as bigger than Ianto and….ah. That's it? Is Ianto feeling put to now Kev is more…. Fat?

Jack swung from his Resting Hero Pose and skipped into the kitchen to find Ianto standing there with a look of doom. _Shit a razor covered brick_. Someone had trashed the place and I don't mean in a polite way.

"Sorry, that wss me" Andy flew in with a look of horror as he went straight to Ianto in order to apologise "I was gonna clean it up. Honest, I thought you have another half hour before coming in here. You are up early."

"I was woken by the laughter" Ianto said calmly.

"Yeah, sorry. That ws me too, wasn't it?" Andy grimaced as the look of doom descended on him. Sort of like a visible gas of poison in the air or something ya know. Like…whooooomp. "Ah… I mean … Kev can be funny and … Owen was being a twat and… sorry. I forgot that you have such strong hearing."

"Gallifreyan influence" Ianto said with the same monotone and Andy's grin slid slightly. Shit. This shit he is in seems to be quicksand…. think fast.

"Well … it must be the same thing that makes you look so… positively handsome this morning. Look at your little bump, so refined in that three piece. I don't know how you do it. Kev is looking like a right slob but you are so… polished." Andy simpered, taking a step towards the doorway and possible freedom.

"And where are you going?" Ianto asked blandly "Clean this up."

"Yes mum… ah… shit… Ianto" Andy spluttered as he rushed to comply and Jack swallowed down a giggle at the slip. Ianto blinked and his face cleared for a moment too, the idea of being called mum was funny I guess, but then RBF slammed back down as Ianto turned slowly to look out the door at Kev, then at Jack.

"He _has_ really dropped" Ianto finally said.

"Yeah, he thinks they are almost to the end of their gestation or whatever. One of the eggs is already making noises" Andy said and Jack blinked now, turning to Ianto with wide eyes.

"They have eggs Jack. They carry them in pockets under their skin, along their ribcage. Their larva settle in there like marsupials. Well … more like tiny bugs" Ianto grimaced and then sighed as he glanced at Andy and added "Cute little buggers. Being part human they will grow quickly and will soon be all over the place. A cute little alien infestation, probably with blond hair."

"Wait…ah… how many?" Jack was starting to get the idea and the words 'eggs' and 'infestation' suddenly made him focus.

"I don't know, I didn't ask but they usually have between ten and twelve to a spawning" Ianto blinked slowly as he watched Jack's face go slack, finally getting the fact that tiny little aliens would be scuttling bout like Ripley's little bitey things unable to be controlled as they caused havoc with their parentals glowing happily from the Hub's sofa.

"Andy" Jack swung to look at him "Any thoughts on you and Kev settling down? Getting a little place of your own? Hmmmm? Out in the country maybe? A bit of land for the little buggers to play, frolic or whatever the spawn do?"

"Kev likes it here" Andy shrugged as he wiped the bench down "They are cave dwellers or something. He doesn't like open spaces. The Buggy Bubs will like the dark places to play."

Jack swung back to Ianto but was met with dead air, his mate already movie from the kitchen to the sofa, looking down at the engorged creature "Kev, my man. How many have you there buddy?"

"Six… no… wait" Kev sort of shuffled about and made little chirping noises and smiled "Sorry. My first time …. Seven are viable. Yes, seven little ones are scratching away…ooo … might be a pop soon."

"Pop" Ianto repeated not popping the P either, his face paling slightly "Kev, are you about to hatch?"

"Yeah" Kev let his head fall back and grinned so wide his face almost split open "Grand, maybe tomorrow? Or the next. They don't' all hatch together, might take a day or so for the entire thing."

"Yes… grand" Ianto looked over at the autopsy bay and then walked over to look down at the scene. 12 Was now playing Hendrix as Owen sang along, 11 dancing like he was being electrocuted. "Excuse me. Kev thinks he might be hatching soon! Do you know the cycle of these?"

"Oh. Goodie, little grubs that are the size or slugs here on this planet, then within 24 hours they become little well … sort of like the naked mole things the size of hamsters … then they get their legs and other appendages and they become…wellllllll…." 11 looked to 12.

"Then think of a praying mantis the size of little dog. Yeah, right? Then they become the size of a human baby and their extra limbs fall off, leaving the four humanoid ones … then they grow like human babies. Of course… their mandibles are the last part to go. A weird few weeks there." 11 nodded to his counterpart "The worst part is the slime."

"Yeah. Thy don't' have nappies, they just….ooooozeeee… excrement…oh" 12 stopped talking as he and his other self stared at one another then looked up as one as the disappearing offspring of their own. "Oh dear. That tears it."

"I forgot that part" 11 hissed "How did we forget that part?"

"Hmmmm. Blocking it out?" 12 replied sagely "At least we didn't mention the smell as well."

"Smell?" Owen looked up from the creature he was elbow deep in "they smell too?"

"Their slime. Sort of… fishy?" 11 looked to 12 again "Think fish paste mixed with dog food."

"Fish paste and dog food" Owen repeated with his eyes growing wider.

"Sort of what they eat too … well what it looks like once their dam chews it and spits it out for them in little clumps" 12 agreed.

"Spits…spits it out…oh wow. Ianto is gonna blow a gasket" Owen muttered then giggled to himself as he went back to his autopsy.

Ianto might not know this part but apparently Jack had finally remembered and was now in a mild panic as he knew Ianto was going to not only blow a gasket, he was likely to murderize the lot of them in his baby brained anger. "What are you doing?"

Jack let out an involuntary squeal as Ianto's voice purred in his ear and he turned to grin at his mate in what he hoped was not a panicked expression "Just thinking … the incoming spawn from Kev and Andy… will be loud and messy and… maybe we need to take a break for a little while so we do not have to be part of that? Hmmm? If they don't want to move out of the Hub, maybe we should? Spend some quality time together? Good for the development of the bub, right? Maybe book into a place with a spa? Some foot massages and room service for my handsome mate? Hmmmm? Let them her deal with the crap of Kev's impending spawn? After all … there are enough of them without us? Right? Just a nice long weekend getaway. You, me and bump."

Ianto looked at him in silence, the look of doom almost terrifying Jack now as he wondered if he had made things worse and then a voice called out across the Hub "Squishy? Is that smell you or Kev? Someone is really needing some air freshener here!"

"Right" Ianto sighed "yes. We leave today? Back Monday? Can you do that? Get us somewhere for four days?"

"Four nights?" Jack decided to push it a bit "Why not take Monday too? I can email my report to Lizzie form anywhere darling."

"Right" Ianto stared at Jack and then to Jack's relief the eyebrows slid up out of the RBF and Ianto said softly "well? What are you waiting for? Don't keep me waiting."

Jack raced off to call around, knowing just the sort of luxury Ianto would like, also trying to be stealthy so certain 'parentals' don't decide to come along for the fucking weekend.

Wow… like four nights away … five days more or less away from the noise and bluster and … that. Jack looked over at his mate as he flicked through the phonebook with urgency.

River had Ianto's face in her hands trying to talk to him solemnly and Jack could see Ianto's fists at his sides as he struggled with the level of intimacy.

Yep.

Gonna go off alright.

Jack had a mission and it was a doozy.

'Operation Loved UP' was a go.

.

.

…

* * *

OK, so where does Jack take him for their romantic getaway and what might happen?

Also… what will the team do with the sudden freedom and who is left in charge?


	17. peace in the valley...ah...was that Gwen?

FranArian  
Whoa...back up...

Gwen took a head shot and ended up as Beepa Chow in a back alley... So how is she in the Hub again? And why hasn't anyone noticed? So NOT good.

I think the boys need a holiday in a nice B&B in Abergavenny (should make Andy's eyes bug, hehehehehe). Good distance away from Cardiff, but not too far in case of emergency.

SOP would be to leave Owen in charge, but I don't guarantee he'll be able to wrangle the Time Lord contingent... Hmmm...

Would be funny if the boys come back from their holiday (oh, gee...did the four days turn into seven...my how time flies...) to find that Alice is telling everyone what to do because she came to ask Jack a question and found utter chaos in the Hub.  
Being her father's daughter (with far fewer rash tendencies), I have no doubt she could manage to lead, even if only from the Hub.  
And would likely demand they turn a store room into a containment area/playroom for the slimely little buggies Ianto and Jack originally left to escape from (really don't see her putting up with them being under foot and oozing all over the work stations).

Just think if one of the hatchlings managed to get into 12's TARDIS...there'd be hell to pay. *cackle*

The boys deserve some down time...and I'm sure the madness will continue back at the base.

.

/Brose1001  
Tosh in charge. Her stiletoes are quite handy, after all.

Perhaps a luxury resort that may or may not actually exist in snowdonia?  
Or perhaps Iceland, get a cabin thingy, with a private sauna? Lots of neekid times.

And Tosh can keep the guys back home on an even keel with those heels of hers hahaha.

,

,

**KatWillow60**

What? I thought we got Gwen killed off did I miss something

.

.

**AwatereJones**

ah... but is that 'Gwen' or one of her offspring thingees? Ianto has baby brain along with everyone else and did not notice. Oh well ... not his monkey ... not his circus right? Him and Jakc off on a lovely little escape... ho long before the others notice the doppelganger in the Hub?

Good spottng there hahahahaahaha

Now you see one of the 'games afoot' ahead LOL

.

.

**DeeBeader**

1-Jack, you better find a way to get the Tardis to take the two of you FFFFAAAAARRRRR away from the Hub for more than a MONTH! Ianto's RBF is terrifying at least to those who can interpret it properly.  
2-Kev, you and Andy need to LEAVE NOW! And take those small, smelly buggies out of the Hub before Myfanwy decides they're snacks for her; if she gets sick, Ianto will be more than seriously, RBF-pissed! Remember, he's a Time Lord; one does not mess with a hormonal Time Lord! Very dangerous business, that.  
3-Leave Owen in charge. The havoc he causes with the Doctors, River, Kev and Andy will truly be monumental with Tosh's help.  
4-River, you KNOW Ianto being preggers is on a hormonal rampage; you gotta let him be. You and the Doctors need to take a vacation with all due haste.

/

/

**KathyC**

Okay, how in the ever loving f*ck is there a Gwen, and WHY does Rhys want to bring her ANYTHING?!

Now, Andy, go fine a bomb shelter, or something, quick. Before Ianto comes back to slime all over his hub.

Jack, call Lizzie and see if you can use a palace, or castle for the week, or month even. You know Ianto deserves it.

11, 12 and River, you all need to calm the f*ck down. And possibly go somewhere else for awhile. I'm not saying don't be there for squishy's birth, just maybe get out of Ianto's face while he's pregnant. I'm sure he would regret, in time, killing either one of you.

/

/

**Eleana666**

This chapter was really cute and funny! For some reason, the funniest part was when Jack jumped and whined at the sound of Ianto's voice! Actually, I think everyone but the core, essential personnel should be told to leave very soon.

/

/

**DomIantoRules**

So, based on your reply to someone else, "Gwen" is one of those copies grown to human size? Wasn't Rhys there when Gwen was killed? Why doesn't he know that isn't really her?

As for your questions, the honeymoon suite of any five star hotel with a two person Jacuzzi in the suite, and a spa in the hotel with massages and stuff would do. I doubt they plan on going out. Lots of cuddling and pampering is what Ianto needs, and Jack needs to make sure he gets it. Several days not needing to take care of anyone, with attentive hotel staff and loving boyfriend taking care of him, is just what Ianto needs. And it will make sure that, no matter how mad Ianto is when they get back, he won't blame Jack for it.

And Jack should leave Tosh in charge, she is the only one sensible enough that she might be able to keep some semblance of control.

/

/

**Jas_The_Marshmellow**

River is in charge. Maybe Jack has a secret house.

/

* * *

…..

Alrighty then…..

….

* * *

Ianto was in heaven. The bubble bath was perfect and he lay immersed up to his chin as he watched his beloved arsehole fuss around the bathroom with what appeared to be food and drink? Really?

"Look what I found" Jack said with glee as he knelt by the bathtub and placed the large board over it. It was wide and it was covered with food. Ianto mouth exploded with saliva as he looked at the selection of fruits, cheeses and little finger sandwiches Jack must have made himself. Of course he must have, way up here in the snow. No one else up here, right?

It had been a surprise to find Jack not only willing to take a few days off but to fall asleep in the SUV only to wake as they crunched up the gravel driveway to this cute chalet in the maintains was more than worth the many hours of travel.

Yes… Ianto DOES have a TARDIS but this is not about him showing off right? This is about Jack doing some loving things for his baby er… Taddy?

Ianto sat up and watched Jack drop his robe, clambering in the other end of the bath so they faced one another in the hot water, Jack grinning as he glanced out the window. The most amazing thing about this bathroom was that there was an entire wall of glass looking out over the snow. Jack was a dark horse right? Ianto had no idea this place even existed but now knew Jack NEVER brought his lovers up here. Evident in the almost embarrassed way he rushed to hide some things, put some alien looking stuff away and generally look uncomfortable with Ianto touching everything. This was Jack's little time bubble. Things from his very long life were here including some frames photos of not just a baby Alice, but other children that he must have loved, cherished, mourned. It sort of brought home to Ianto how alike they were, their little hidden boxes of woe and reverence. Loss is a terrible thing, the true mark of a good heart is it's ability to open for another go around the mulberry bush, right?

"So … is this grape juice?" Ianto asked picking up a tall wine glass.

"Well… it is non-alcoholic for now but this time next year we can have bubbles that are the real thing" Jack smiled as he pointed and Ianto turned his head to see a mountain goat wandering across the snow covered lawn to nibble on a bush by the veranda.

"Oh Cariad" Ianto sighed happily as he chose a little meat paste sandwich "This is perfect. Is the team OK?"

"Yeah" Jack nodded as he chose a piece of cheese and topped it off with a slice of salami "Apparently Owen wants to shoot Gwen though."

Ianto hummed as he took a sip, then he lowered the glass to stare at Jack.

"Gwen?"

.

.

"Gwen?" Rhys said softly as he watched her walking across the room. "Where did that come from?"

"What Pet?" she swing to face him and canted her head like he was being a daft bugger but he was unable to take his eyes off the strange scar or birthmark or whatever on her stomach. IT was not a belly button … it looked… weird.

"Ahhhhhhh…. Nothing" he said in a small voice as his naked lover frowned, smiled and shook her head then continued to get changed into something for the evening. Rhys picked up the phone and covertly sent a picture to Owen asking for some clarity here.

The phone rang immediately

" _Rhys? Ah… what is this you sent me?"_

"Just wondering about her tummy… is that right?" Rhys hissed into the phone as Gwen sang in the bathroom.

" _Rhys… when did you take this?"_

"Just now."

" _That's her in the shower or something?"_

"Brushing her hair. She always sings when she brushes her hair."

" _Mate, um… where did she come from?"_

"Dude. I came to work remember? She wanted her jacket, then Ianto and Jack left for some alone time and Gwen said she needed to shop for a dress. We have been shopping all fucking day and now she has that…that… that is not her tummy!"

Silence.

"Owen? What happened to my fiancé?"

" _Rhys. Do you remember coming to the Hub because of a little infestation problem?"_

"Huh?"

" _Fuck. Retcon. Rhys… did you see me at all while you were there? Do you remember where I was?"_

"You spent the entire time in the Bay with some weird cats. You never came up we never spoke. Actually, I only spoke with Gwen and I think… I think Toshiko but she was really distracted. Andy was there with some huge fella too … but they never spoke to me."

" _OK. OK, this is gonna sound REALLY weird but when Gwen came to see you at work she had a drink for you. Right? What day is it? "_

"How the fuck do you know she came to work to see me? Thursday."

" _Rhys. The drink was Retcon and you don't remember the entire day before. It's Friday today, not Thursday. Something…ah..bad happened on Thursday and now you've lost it. She has to stop doing that… fuck… you drink it every time…right… that's not Gwen. OK?"_

"Bloody Torchwood."

" _Rhys. Mate. Gwen died."_

"Really? Sounds like she is still dying in there, Christ she never sang this bad before."

" _Rhys… that is not Gwen. It's a shapeshifting alien species that ate her and took on her memories and appearance. You need to get out of there…Rhys? Rhys? Ah for fucksake! He hung up!"_

.

.

Ianto placed the glass down gently an looked at Jack with an intensity that told him he had made a huge mistake somewhere and he wondered what he might have done now.

Ianto was soooo volatile with this baby hormones racing around.

"Cariad?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you say… Gwen?"

.

.

Owen had raced out of the Hub like a mad motherfucker leaving Kev and Andy to talk. This was nice. Talking. Andy learnt a lot in a short space of time, including the fact he was in a spot of bother that was about to REALLY multiply and if he didn't think fast Ianto was gonna kill him.

The Doctors and their wife were no help, sniggering and telling him extra stuff Kev just nodded to like it was no big deal. Clearly they were pissed that Ianto had forbade them from hunting him and Jack down and they had decided to stay at the Hub to annoy everyone else.

"Wait… how many?"

.

.

"Well … ah fuck!" Jack looked at Ianto with wide eyes then reached over to the seat and hooked the phone over, keying in the number of the one he had left in charge of the circus. He hoped the Big Tent ws not burning to the ground as you might say.

This was definitely one of his moneys.

.

.

"Jack?"

" _Tosh. Sweetheart. How's things? Look, good chat. Listen … did I hear that Gwen was at work today? Huh? Gwen? She there?"_

"What? Gwen's dead." Tosh looked a the two men creeping past with matching looks of excitement. What were they up to? Their wife was creeping after them with… is that some sort of catcher's mitt? Whatever that weird Timelord Triad were about to do to play... she didn't want to know.

" _Riiiiiight. But she was at work today. Me and Ianto passed her on the way out talking to Rhys by her workstation. Tosh… who was at the Hun in Gwen's clothes today my little blossom? Where is she now?"_

"Fuck! I am looking at the footage…oh my god it is… look at that. She is walking right by my desk and I never saw…..oh dear. Hang on… those bloody Timelords knew…look at them pointing at her and sniggering like a couple of little boys… right. I will call you back, gotta go talk to some little shits!"

.

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Rhys opened the apartment door to slap out only to find Owen there, panting heavily for running up the flights of stairs no doubt and he shoved Rhys out of the way, storming into the apartment with glee. Gun at the ready. FINALLY he gets to shoot her!

His phone went.

"Yeah?"

" _Owen? Where are you?"_

"In Rhys' flat about to shoot the Gwen Thing"

" _About that. Listen … I just looked at her work for the day… did you know she actually completed three field reports? Three. When has Gwen ever done three in one day?"_

"Wait. What?" Owen stopped walking and leaned against the wall as he listened to Toshiko telling him not only was the information correct and pertinent to each case… they were expertly done.

"Soooooo… she's a keeper?"

" _I am telling you, she is better than the original. We need to consider options here."_

Owen stood watching as the 'Gwen thing' walked from the bedroom and froze, looking at him with open horror.

"Hi Gwen. Look, I now you are not you and we have had a little talk about his. If you are cool with it…ah… let's have a mulligan for now and reassess at the end of next week if it's working out, yeah?"

She nodded silently with wide eyes, then Owen turned to leave only to find Rhys there in the kitchen with a large knife and panicked look. Owen withdrew the spray bottle from his pocket and sprayed the mist into Rhys' face "Look mate. She had a terrible accident and is soo self conscious of it… best just ignore it. You love her, scars and weird tummy and all. Gonna get wed."

Rhys looked at him blankly and Owen sighed "OK. Right. Too strong for Retcon is it? Wow. OK. You… you left her. It's not working out, you found out that I fucked her the other night and I know about her little tattoo on her left butt cheek. You lift her and are so happier with the woman you have always lusted after…loved. Go to her now, declare your love and see if she takes you in, if not… you come back here and accept your fate with Gwen Thing."

Rhys blinked as another shot of spray hit him, then he turned and walked out the door as Owen let out his breath and turned ti find the Gwen Thing in the kitchen behind him.

"One. Just one chance, ya hear?" he warned it "Do good."

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Jack tuned off the phone and leaned back to look at Ianto "You think your parentals knew that was a Gwen Thing and let it rampage about the Hub for shits and giggles?"

"Probably. They like a good laugh and it seemed harmless enough. I mean, I guess… how much worse can one be?" Ianto shrugged and popped a grape in his mouth enjoying the burst of it in his mouth as Jack took a foot and started to massage it.

"Well … yeah. Guess you are right. I left Toshiko in charge anyway, so … her call."

"Hmmmmm"

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Andy stood in the room looking bourn with interest. Seems old, seldom used and had the most comfortable sofa he had ever seen. So clean! A little kitchenette, food in the fridge… wow. You know… it seemed bigger once you were in there.

Kev loved it, settling in on the sofa that was so big they could easily sleep in two. Yeah.

Yeah. This would do Kev could see his babies in here.

Andy started pushing the stuff off the desk so he could turn it into a table for their meals and things, using a foot to kick out and push the door closed.

Contained.

Their bugs would be hatched down here in this room and it would all be OK.

The red door clicked softly as they self-isolated in Ianto's old office.

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Rhys stood outside the door nervously waiting and as it swung open he thrust out the flowers.

"I have immense feelings for you. Think you are wonderful and… oh. Hey Stephen mate. Is your mum home?"

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* * *

How's that do far? Come on… I can giving you all some fun here.


	18. time is only a concept...right?

SuziH-J  
Ooh Jack you did good there. And the not Gwen seems better value than the real one was, so far. But, Kev & Andy - Ianto is going to go ballistic when he finds out what you've done in his TARDIS.

kendra42

*headdesk headdesk HEADDESK!* Why did Ianto's Tardis allow that?! And WHY would Andy think a room with a fully stocked fridge was a free for all?

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DeeBeader on Chapter 17 Sun 12 Apr 2020 01:09PM NZST

1-Oh damn, the Time Lords are in even bigger trouble with Tosh over the fake Gwen and the hijinks they up to …  
2-Gwen Shapeshifter needs to go shapeshifter somewhere else, preferably with one of the Time Lords or River.  
3-Jack and Ianto relaxing … Ianto, the Hub, your parents and Hub doings are not your circus or your monkeys, they belong to Jack, Owen and Tosh right now, especially Tosh's stilettos.  
4-OMG… Andy and Kev are doomed! to DIE when Ianto finds out from his Tardis that they have commandeered and hatched their offspring in his Tardis! RBF will be the Face of Death for sure…  
5- Rhys and Alice make a good couple; she at least won't retcon him… and she'd make a very good assistant to Ianto when it comes to herding the wild things...

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Comment Actions

st_mick on

Okay, gonna have to cry 'foul' over the invasion of Ianto's TARDIS.  
More yummies with the boys, please (and I _don't_ mean Kev and Andy.  
Will Gwen Thing be as obsessed with Jack as the original?  
Hmmm...

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KathyC

Ummmm, Andy, why would you think that a clean, well stocked room would be unused? Ianto is going to kill you. And I may just help him.

Owen, you're a twat. Just because you're likable doesn't change facts.

So, FauxGwen can do paperwork. Not sure that's a reason to keep it. I'm thinking it's going to run afoul of Kev while he's giving birth and get its skull bashed in as a result.

The Time Lord trio seems to be causing lots of trouble. Not sure how they are planning on getting away with it all.

As for Jack and Ianto. They got caught in a time bubble. Time slowed waaaaaaaayyyy down for them. For every 1 day in the cabin a week passed in the "real world". And the cell phones stopped working. The boys deserve the rest. And the fiascoes currently in the hub can go on without them.

…..

OK, KathyC I really like the idea of that time bubble… chaos LOL… and we are all agreed the Not Gwen has to go then. Right… so three days away relaxing… OK … let's see what can happen here….

…

Ianto was a little surprised at the lack of communication with the outside world, Jack turning off their respective phones and declaring it 'their time' was nice really. Ianto protested meekly but internally he was excited … finally he was getting some attention and it was sweeter than he thought it would be.

"I will turn the phone on in the morning, just for a quick check while you are still snoozing with Stinker" Jack crooned, kissing Ianto as he placed the phones away in the drawer by the bed. Some tat falling off the table that he haphazardly scooped back yup. God, he had some crap laying around. Didn't even know what half it was anymore.

Ianto was full of good food and ready for some living. Mmmmmm. Tiger's tail ready for be caught? Yeahhhhhh.

Jack could cook … I mean… seriously cook and Ianto loved EVERYTHING presented with loving care, napkins remembered as well as cutlery. Ianto knew it was a big thing for Jack to use utensils like a human being instead of a bloody caveman, something that secretly annoyed Ianto even knowing that Boeshanninan families eat with their hands much as some Middle Eastern families do in this time period. Still … he knew better.

Jack was attentive, sweet…loving and oh…oh so tender in their lovemaking, Ianto giving and receiving some attention as you might say, with little to no effort on his part as Jack seemed almost frantic to show love.

Next morning Jack slunk from the bed, kissing his sleepy mate and hooking out his phone, padding gout into the living room to watch some deer frolicking in the snow outside the French doors, their legs all spindly and cute as they played, kicking up dry powder.

He turned on the phone and it practically blew up with multiple tests and messages, the message box full within a minute while he stood dumbfounded. What the actual!

He chose one at random.

" _JACK!" Owen was screaming "What the fuck, where are you man! I am goona shoot her! She keeps thinking she is Old-Gwen but does weird things like putting the file on Gerfoliters in the Toaster… set the kitchen in fire,, don't tell Ianto coz Rhys fixed it. He's done with her by the way… didn't agree to a Not-Gwen now the Retcon has worn off again… Mind you… Alice is such a good addition, why didn't you tell us your daughter could shoot like…. ah fuck, I swear to fucking Christ if that bitch humps my leg…ewwwwwww…helppppppp…RHYSSSSSSSS"_

Jack stared at the suddenly silent phone and frowned. Huh? He tried another.

" _Jack? It's Andy here..ah…. you know that room down in the basement that has that lovely big red door well … no one uses it right? Me and Kev have sort of settled in there for a little wile and…what? Kevvie love, on the phone. What? Which one? Elvis? Elvis is the one with the extra horn? Oh god. You know he can get into those small spaces…Elvis…elviy darling … come on darling. Come to Papa… oh no. Kev…. Should he be that colour? What is that? What's he eating…oh no….Kev grab him before he…."_

Another dead call and Jack stared long and had at the hone, almost too afraid to choose again, then he took a deep breath and chose.

" _Toshiko here. Nothing got worry about, take as much time as you need. Everything is fine, all contained and don't listen to the other messages. The boys just go a tad… stupid. River and I have EVERYTHING under control and… oh no. River….look up. See it? On that rafter? You go get Kev and Andy to get their little rib goblin back before I shoot the fucking thing down with my …"_

Jack blinked, starting to snigger as he walked back to the bedroom.

"Good one guys" he said softly as he slid the phone back in the drawer "Those guys are pulling my leg, carrying on like there is some sort of infestation of something. I could hear your dads in the background singing with Guitar Hero playing … it's all fine"

"Kev hatched maybe?" Ianto said sleepily "Thought they weren't due until next wekk Cariad."

"Who knows… those kind are weird. And they are part human so … ewwwwwww…. Soooo Ripley." Jack shuddered "If they have come out I am glad they are not in MY office with their slimy… little… entrail-like….snail trail…..ah….um. Babe?"

"Hmmmmmm" Ianto stretched "Come to bed lover."

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Owen stood on top of his workstation with the gun levelled at the bug as it made a threatening noise and moved towards him, it's mandibles clicking menacingly. "ANDY!"

"Levi!" Andy scolded as he scooped up the bug, the water dripping from it as Andy waded through the partially submerged hub was not a pretty colour.

"For fucksake, it's peeing again! Can't you make some sort or nappy for them or something?" Owen shrieked.

Rhys was on the coffee table, clutching Alice to him as Stephen called out from the mezzanine level, save in his Grandfather's office "Behind you!"

They swung to see a weird fluff covered crocodile-thing in the water undulating their way and Rhys let out a shrill yodel. Toshiko was frantically clambering on the tablet away from the tentacles flapping around the edge of the workstation….. she cursed as the lights flickered again, trying to get the PA system sorted then she screamed into the underwater system "PLEASE! KRAKEN GET YOUR SPAWN!"

"My biggest fear is not that one or two fluffs ate a little lizard and turned into these… what if one ate some Kaken? What the hell to baby Kraken look like?" Owen called over with that naughty glint in his eye … "Or Myfanwy. One gets a bit of her! Imagine flying ones!?"

"Owen, shut the fuck up" Not-Gwen yelled as she swung to glare at him, defending her own kind. Shapeshifters do stuck together ya know… then she let out a shriek of her own as the next thing to rise from the water as definitely like Ripley's Alien complete with black…oh. No … wait. "Owen? Elvis found your leather jacket!"

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

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"Did Tosh sound OK?" Ianto asked dreamily, puling Jack into his arms.

"Yeah… they're fine."

"Hmmmmmm…. Jack? Can I ask a weird question?"

"Sure love."

"That little piece of tat over there… that's not a time warp machine is it?"

"Hmmm? You know… once activated it creates a time bubble so a day to us in here is like a week out there for…. Is it flashing?"

Jack glanced over and turned it towards the wall so the flashing light faded away, no longer activated by Ianto's nearness. Jack's vertex energy and Ianto's 'void' energy must have turned it on … or maybe the bounce when it fell? Still … no harm no foul. Right?

Right?

Jack was settling in when it came to him.

Red door.

Oh man!


	19. almost a clean sweep

FranArian  
"Rib Goblin"...OMG! I nearly peed!

Yeah...the whole lot at the Hub are going to be on some sort of punishment for then next decade at least (espeically Andy and Kev for taking over Ianto's TARDIS. I hope the reason the Snot Monsters are loose in the Hub is because the TARDIS kicked them all out and locked her door).

She may be getting some use after all, because if preggers Ianto comes back to chaos, he's liable to send the lot a two fingered salute and take an off world holiday with Jack until his Parents sort the shit at the Hub properly and bugger off.

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Brose1001  
Oh dear. Red door. Yes Jack. Red door.  
And entertaining that their energy combined activated the bubble tech hahaha.  
One has to wonder what the team thinks about them being gone that long. Since a single day to the boys equals a weeks or so to the team. Snicker.

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**st_mick**

Ooh. Jack had better sneak back out of bed and recruit the Doctors to clean up Ianto's TARDIS. They'll understand. Particularly if River is cracking the whip.

I don't know how I feel about Andy being a bit of a half-wit, here. Perhaps he's sharing Kev's baby brain? Because he's not usually quite so... well. One doesn't wish to be unkind.

More shameless spoiling, and a couple more days in their time bubble, and the hub will be presentable again (as will the TARDIS - can you tell that's really bothering me? Haha). Of course, a couple more days in the time bubble, and Ianto will be so mellow he'll come back and whip everyone into shape without losing his groovy mellow thingness. But no one will realize and be waiting for him to murder someone. And he and Jack would never use that to mess with people or terrorized them, now would they? Haha

Oh, wait - is it too far out of the realm of possibility that TARDISes can be self-cleaning? I mean, they self-interior decorate, right?

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**DomIantoRules**

Of course they are self cleaning. They even showed it once. Something fell on the grating, then it sizzled and disappeared.

**st_mick**

I didn't remember that. Whew! That's a relief. For some reason, the thought of Kev's and Andy's spawn leaving slug trails all over Ianto's pristine TARDIS was freaking me out. Haha

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**DeeBeader**

1-Jack, that red light is Ianto's Tardis calling for help and remember, he is also telepathically linked to it... she might scream next time! You, on the other hand, will be screaming too... in pain!  
2-Andy better have LOTS of life/medical insurance cause he's gonna need it when Ianto finally gets that message from his Tardis  
3-Kev, you're dead. You should have left with the Bakuu and remaining Beepa. Ianto is gonna dropkick your ass into a black hole somewhere after what your spawn have done to his Tardis.  
4-Kraken spawn, Not-Gwen shapeshifter and the hellish mix of Andy and Kev's spawn is far too many spawns for the Hub! Myfanwy is smart to stay out of this mess too.  
5-The two Doctors and River are far too quiet and the guitar playing doesn't count... where are they hiding and why aren't they helping to get rid of the mess they created?

We're gonna see Ianto go Time Lord-zilla this time! (I need more popcorn for this blowup...)

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**KatWillow60**

Hmmm River and Tosh need to save the day  
Maybe Alice can put an end to not Gwen  
TardisMelody can't she eject them and why did she let them in to start doesn't she have a lock?  
Well, she is a youngster

I would like to see Ianto and Jack in sync and not at each other's throat while the whip everything back to sanity

Love ya you are one of my rays of sunshine

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**KathyC**

Hmmm, so, Ianto's Kraken had a baby at the same time that Kev did. Yeah, that's not scary at all. I don't think anyone's going to be able to control that particular kid except Ianto.

Chaos and bedlam rein in the Hub. Oh to be a spy camera on those walls. The kiddies better hope they get everything put to rights soon, cause taddy is going to be VERY ANGRY otherwise.

River, aren't you supposed to be looking out for Ianto's best interests? How dare you let them treat his home this way.

Jack, just keep Ianto as relaxed as possible for as long as you can. Maybe he want completely blow a gasket when y'all get back.

…../...

Oh boy … this is gonna be interesting

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Ianto stood in the pristine Hub looking around at the faces of his… well… family. Something weird was going on and he couldn't put his finger on it. The drive back had been lovely, the entire three days away had been sublime but now they were standing here he felt a weird shift in his gut that was telling him his clock was out.

As Jack stood talking calmly to them Ianto walked quickly down the stairs to his TARDIS room, slipping behind the red door to stand with growing alarm. She was pissed. Like … psychically screaming about things and he took a seat to try to calm her down, asking her to 'speak' with images as her screaming was getting to him.

The first image he was shown was Kev giving birth…hatching… you know what I mean. Little slugs things falling from his body as he stood naked in the middle of the TARDIS singing lustily to his young to encourage them out. Andy was on his hands and knees weeping as he tried to catch each one. The joy immense and Ianto smiled as he watched the scene in his head like a day-dream. Then came the nightmare. The little buggers took off and were shooting all over the TARDIS there were so many of them … more than bloody six or whatever… there had to be at least ten of them and they were fast. She had worked hard to keep the place clean, showing him the slime the little bugs produced and then came the image of his mother entering the TARDIS to see the carnage. As much as she was keeping herself as clean as she could they were slobs and empty crisp packets, half-drunk bottles of soda pop and pizza boxes littered the rom. Not to mention the desk devoid of Ianto's things.

Ianto didn't need to see what happened next, only knowing that the TARDIS was pissed and tired and didn't want to see another baby!

"What about mine?" he asked and her attitude changed, soft lighting and music and cooing started to show she was not mean his and she was horrified that she had come across that way. Great. Now she was hormonal.

"OK. So … is that the worst thing that happened my love?" He asked as he settled into the chair and felt her snigger.

Oh no.

What?

She was rid of the buggers, glad to be and settled to sleep only to be woken by water lapping at her doors. Luckily she had her shielding and although tired and her energy depleted she was able to deploy the shields and protect herself for the water. Water that proceeded to FILL the corridor outside and most of the lower level of the Hub.

She showed him images of the archives… FULL OF WATER… files floating and some of the inmates swimming for their lives with fear. She showed him how it happened … Not-Gwen shooting at one of the offspring while screaming shrilly ….right. Not a fan. Weird. Then heading for the cells with murderous intent.

"Hang on … Aren't they supposed to be on the same page?" Ianto asked with confusion only to be shown Gwen's face like it explained everything. "Wait. Are you telling me when it consumed her flesh and became her is took her attitude and shit along with her memories? It really became her, thinking wise too?"

Another image, this time it was Kev calmly slamming Not-Gwen's head against a support pillar. H water was to his waist, quite deep and he was wading about with a baby Kraken hanging onto his left arm like a weird wristlet, Gwen's hair entwined in his fingers as he dragged her body after him like the weirdest makeshift raft you have ever seen, each bug found placed reverently on the body then off he would go, searching for another one.

"But… where did the water come from?"

Not-Gwen. This time in the lower levels of the Hub and to Ianto's horror she was mocking the inmates, flicking their food at them so it splattered on the floor. Christ. Was it the Beepa or the 'Gwen' in this creature that was making it do this? Well … it pissed off a bull weevil that was also fed up with the Bug that had somehow gotten in his cell and ws sliming up the place so he retaliated by simply slamming through the back wall of his cell and storming off, the water pipes broken as Not-Gwen screamed and ran after the bug, shooting wildly.

"OK" Ianto sighed "Why didn't you call me?"

OK. Anger, red got anger as she now berated him and told him she bloody well did call him. Several times but is he was going to ignore the Blue Light Danger Disc what the hell! It took him a while to realise that was the little flashing light.

"But… that was … hang on. How long were we gone?"

OK. Tht was a kicker to be sure and he had to settle back for a while to comprehend the enormity of having the little bubble like that. He didn't know they could work like that, thought about the ones he had encountered where time passed in the bubble like… years… but was only a moment outside it. This one was opposite? A day in there was a week out here?

Now she wanted attention and was scolding him for taking the time to mull this over, like … come on! Wake up!

"Right, you are right. What got rid of the water?"

River. She had gone to her husbands and told them that Ianto was gonna kill them, disown them and they would NEVER see the baby She put on a good show by all actions. Could cry on command to get her way, ya know.

They had gone in one of the TARDIS to Verilliom Prime then returned with one of their Geo-Worms and released it in the Hub. Of course, being a water lover it had dutifully drank all the water. Of course it was now too big to fit back I the TARDIS so they released it though the lower levels, out the Dock Doors and into the bay so it could have a happy ….ew…..Kraken. Man… he did NOT share well with others…oh. She. He-he. Oh boy. Two? There are two Kraken? Well … of course there are. Babies.

Ianto found himself ooing and aaaahing as he was shown baby Kraken helping devour the worm.

_Baby brain._

"Hey, don't' be rude. I just think … good use of resources. Imagine if it drank the bay dry… the oceans… we could be screwed. It ws a good idea to get one here ut nor well thought out. After all .. they are the reason their home planet is a desert. Right?" Ianto said as he rose and stretched finding it all a bit funny really. He hadn't really wanted to deal with the Not-Gwen thing knowing Jack would be torn with his affection for the real Gwen that secretly… Ianto was glad was gone.

"Right. So … all's well that ends well?" Ianto canted his head as he looked around at his 'best girl' and grinned. "Go away for a few days and it all goes to shit. Give me a day, you take a week."

Nope.

No sense of humour there.

"Awwww, go on. Go to sleep, I am back now and everything worked out in the end. Usually does when Dad is about, and two of them really ensured it would be OK. You know this." Ianto paused to hear her answer then snorted as he got a response "Yeah… yeah… I know… Mama usually cancels Dad out but there were two dads so … tipped slightly in our favour. You did well, I am proud of you my little heart."

Ianto skipped up the sitars to find Jack eyeballing Owen who was calmly explaining that Not-Gwen was gone. Awwww. Shame.

"Rhys, how are you buddy?" Ianto asked as he walked past and Rhys looked at him with surprise.

"Ianto! Hey… when did you get back?" Rhys asked with confusion "I thought you were taking a few days, not just overnight."

Ianto slowly tuned to face Owen who was standing on the steps on the Autopsy Bay … a very naughty Owen who held up the bottle of Retcon pills and rattled it, then made a face and slid out of sight sniggering.

"Right" Jack said angrily "So … we take a break and you almost wreck the place?"

"But it's all come out in the wash Cariad" Ianto soothed, smiling to show he was OK "And no sign of my patents or their TARDISes. Mama convinced them to let us have a little space maybe?"

Jack nodded, moving to his office where he closed the door and leaned back on it with relief.

"Captain. Just the man I want to see" River purred as she sat pertly on his desk and Jack groaned. 10 glared at him from his chair behind the desk, his fingers drumming on the wood.

Bot quite to of the woods yet.

Down in the Hub Ianto was listening as the team gave varying accounts of what happened…not… their sweet playing down of things and half-lying to protect his rising blood pressure was kinda sweet but they were missing some key points, Ianto humming as he nodded and watched Andy sliding around the perimeter.

Looking up with a nervous grin.

"Elvis?" Andy hissed softly "Come to papa. Come on..no..no… don't…"

Ianto felt the sticky splat as the bug hit him on the head, sliding down his face to cling to his lapels and stare at him with interest.

It was the size of a cat… a big fat cat if you covered it with slime and it was a praying mantis that had swallowed said cat… maybe.

"Hello Elvis" Ianto said calmly "I am Uncle Ianto and you are going to be on the naughty step in a minute if you do not listen to your Papa."

"Sorry Ianto" Andy simpered as he tore the child away … more little… squelched? Made a really bad noise anyway, the trial of slime left behind making Ianto look up at the rafters with horror, just in time to se Myfanwy settle on one and squawk as she slipped off.

"Andy?" Ianto asked serenely "Do you mind heights?"

"Nah, not really" Andy replied as he clucked at his 'child' and tickled it's chin "quite a good climber."

"Good. Good" Ianto kept his smile as he started to remove the disguising mess his jacket had become in those few scant minutes of interest from Elvis "all you need is the climbing gear. We don't' want Occupational Health and Safety coming down on us for unsafe working environments do we? Be sure to harness sup and use guide ropes while cleaning my rafters."

"What?" Andy squeaked with horror as Ianto headed for the TARDIS to change clothes.

"Sucks to be you" Owen called out "Told you ya missed a spot!"

"Shut up Owen!" Andy grumbled as Stephen's head popped up from the bay to stare at him then disappeared.

Rhys decided to make a 'welcome home' lasagne for Ianto and Jack. Well … Until he opened the oven to find a bug in there asleep, the enter oven covered with slime as it made itself a little cocoon for the comfort.

"ANDY!"

Ianto appeared in the doorway to look at the one thing they had all missed.

His coffee machine.

OK. Well … they tried. Almost made it but… crash and burn baby!

Ianto's scream rattled the slimy rafters as he looked at the ruination of his kitchen.

After a moment, Rhys quietly closed the oven.

Shit.


	20. plans of bugs and men

KatWillow60

not the coffee machine!

Why didn't Owen guard it with his life Instant decaf get used to it Where are Alice and Tosh?

Be well

Comment Actions

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DeeBeader

1- Ianto's Tardis is funny; BabyGirl rants just like her Pilot. Ianto has to realize that bubble thing Jack had might have blocked her signals to him. They need to talk.  
2- YAY Not-Gwen is not around now. Now Kev and Andy have got to go. Dropping on Ianto's head and sleeping in the oven has really gotten out of hand. Maybe a genetic mutation in Andy's DNA causes the bugs to die off in a few days.  
3- Jack… you are in a seriously DEEP pile of hot, steaming crapola, especially now that 10 is there with River… Ianto needs to rescue his lover from his mother and 10 now.  
4-O M G… The coffee machine … Did the bugs cocoon it? use it as a nest? That scream means someone is gonna die here…

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FranArian  
So. Very. DEAD. Or at least sans King Ianto Coffee for an extended period of time and likely not to see Ianto (maybe not Jack either) at all until the baby is born, because he's going to lock himself in his TARDIS (with a nice, pristine replacement for the coffee machine) and let the poo-flinging apes fend for themselves until they learn their lesson.

Lesson One: Andy, Kev and their spawn MUST be evicted from the Hub as soon as the happy couple have completely cleaned up after their "babies". (I'm sure they can find a place among the local Alien population, or it could end up being Death by Hormonal Welsh Time Lord with an eager assist by Captain Protective [who wants his Ianto happy and will go mental if the chaos causes a meltdown that ends in a sex ban].)

Lesson Two: Don't ever allow anyone/anything that looks (and/or acts) like Gappy into the Hub again, regardless of first impressions...you will rue.

Lesson Three: Pay attention to who/what is running around in the base, especially if armed and obviously doing damage (sedate them, shoot them, just don't keep letting them run amok). Which is part of the reason why the team had best find a way to reverse the water damage done to the Archives or they could be facing Death by HWTL and Co as well.

I'm sure there are many more "lessons" the team needs to learn related to the debacle surrounding the failed Bakuu invasion...it's just a matter of getting creative to figure them out (oh, and the more ridiculous the process of solving any given issue is, the better).

Have at, sweetie...

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DarqueQueen7  
Oh. My. God! They ruined Ianto's kitchen and coffee machine! Death will not be good enough enough for them! And when did 10 show up? River is trying to get Jack to agree to a bonding as Jack tries to get Ianto to calm down. Andy and Kev decide to move before Ianto kills them all. His TARDIS decides. to help by taking Jack and Ianto away for a bit; Ianto gets even angrier as he refuses to leave.

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Well … let's see. Woke up with a sinus headache … bloody masks all the time … I hate them AND for the record they fog your glasses up AND using a touch tablet for your registering of work sucks with gloves on! Just saying … this essential worker is tired and REALLY wants to have a day off SIGH … well … did get a new contract for a higher pay rate as well as any and all work during the CIVID-19 lockdown will be paid at 110%. So if you are wondering… my pay rate is now $19.75 per hour plus the 10% for lockdown work. I work an average of three hours a day in the stores as a sales rep (also stacking shelves to help out). My other job, my little retail store job… is still closed and looks like if we move back from the Level four to a Three, it will not be allowed to open yet. I think I may lose that one, I really think they are gonna close it down as they can't afford the overheads with no income. If the country does not go to a level 2 within a few weeks that place looks like toast. The government is topping up my wages so I can still survive. So at the moment I am still getting the same weekly income. NZ has now had 9 deaths and the confirmed number of infected is 1,084 with 770 of those recovered. I think our PM did the right thing slamming us all into time out.

Mother Earth is now breathing again.

…

"Ahhhhhh…. Hi?" Jack tried for a swagger that didn't quite feel right as 10 rose form behind the desk. Jack hadn't seen him in so long, his heart skipping a beat as he looked at the handsome man he had fallen in love with so many decades….hell…hundreds of years before.

They had only ever shared a kiss and although it seemed a lifetime ago, Jack could still feel the warmth of those lips. Gods. Of course Ianto was his child, how had he ever missed that. The same tingle.

"Jack!"

"Doctor"

"Let's have a wee chat, shall we?"

Oooohhhh. Tht does NOT sound good and Jack grimaced before he could stop it, "Sure."

"River here tells me that you and our boy are getting… what's the term here… hot and heavy?" 10 was calm, his hands in his pockets and he canted his head in a way Jack …again kicked himself for not recognising in Ianto… always found cheeky "So … a baby even? You got my boy up the duff?"

"Not even a bonding ceremony" River supplied helpfully, grinning wolfishly at Jack who turned to say something clever but then felt something in his balls shrivel as a woman stepped from the shadows behind River.

She looked familiar but… not. She was a wild thing, untamed and deadly. Her chin was lowered to her chest and her eyes seemed to glow with an unnatural golden light. Jack was transfixed.

The door flew open and Ianto almost fell in "My machine. Berths.. Jack… loo what those little fuckers did to my Bertha. Shes….. Oh. Hello Darling."

Ianto walked over and kissed the creature on the cheek lovingly then stepped back as he resumed his rant like nothing had just happened "Anyway. Bugs in my house, did you see them my love? How the hell am I gonna get that water out? This is a disaster. Erg. I feel sick… one fell on me. Cariad, check my hair. Is it slimy? Erggg. I may throw up."

Jack watched as Ianto turned to him and presented his head for inspection "Yeah. Ah... slime there Tiger."

"Erg! Fuck. Shower. You guys play nice now… I like his appendages!" Ianto yelled as he raced out of the office again and Jack slowly turned to watch him leave then swung to find the creature so close he could smell her.

She smelt of a country garden at midnight.

"Rose?"

"I am not the Bad Wolf. I am of her children. I bring you so much, I love you and give you so much … this… this was his gift, not yours. So … watch your step Jack. He is special."

"Yeah I know. I love him ... I … adore his fucking snoring, and the way he folds his clothes before putting them in the wash … I can't stand it. It's painful and wonderful and… wow. You are really scary, did anyone ever tell you that? Sort of erotic" Jack bumbled out.

She was gone. Like… a little twinkling of gold dust slowly falling and she was gone. Jack blinked. What the actual fuck?

"That was not Rose" 10 said calmly, "Nor was it the Bad Wolf. She chose a form you might recognise. Scary little thing isn't she? My TARDIS does not do scary like that. Trust Ianto to choose one that has a psychotic bent."

"What?"

"That was Drago. Ianto's TARDIS saying hello. She is one of the children of Theta's box. Ianto is his child… the TARDIS is her child… you see? Destined. Now… she brought him here and has protected him all this time but… she is not sure about you Jack." River sighed "she is very judgey. I think it's the Rose influence, given that she is a product of the TARDIS and Bad Wolf."

"Wait. TARDIS. That was… an embodiment of a TARDIS?"

"Mine is much more…ah…sleek. Refined. Ianto's is just scary." 10 smiled softly "Jack. I guess I should have known, the moment you two met it would create a little storm. Well … River is right. You have to marry him. My grandbaby cannot be born out of wedlock. Nope."

"Right" Jack said slowly, his brain sort of boiling away with the overload of information.

.

.

.

Ianto stood in the shower, his anger thrumming so much it is a wonder the water was not turning to steam as it struck his bare skin. He was beyond pissed now and knew he needed to calm down.

For the baby.

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.

.

"Right… where did the water go?" Jack said as he stood in the Hub looking around at the still dripping surfaces.

"I opened the doors to the Bay down in the docks … it all equalized once all the doors were open. I didn't even know we could do that remotely. Look. Andy found the buttons" Owen said as he patted Andy on the shoulder, Clever blond."

"Hey. Mine" Kev said as he stood with an armful of bugs, another on his head like a weird fascinator.

"Right. Kev. Those children of yours do not like being cooped up, Children need room to grow and enjoy themselves. Let's find one of our safe houses out the country so you can have some more room." Jack offered as he shook a folder at him "I have several out there with woodlands around them … they can explore…slime away and have fun. A nice community of imports that will not mind their…ah…energy."

"Yes. The will grow" Kev agreed as he reached for the folder "And shed."

"Shed?" Jack repeated, then horror crossed his face as he remembered these things shed their skin like locusts, leaving behind an empty shell. Ewwwww. Ianto would NOT like that hanging from the rafters. "Yes. One with a nice big barn or out shed for… shedding."

"A shed for shedding. Yes Sounds good" Kev muttered as Andy rushed to sit with him, the thought of a little love nest exciting for them all.

"Right. Um. This is not ideal for Ianto right now. He is…ah…."

"Pissed." Ianto said as he appeared from the shower block with a towel still around his head, his face one of anger "I have considered things and I may have to kill you all. Start over. You know… clean slate sort of thing."

Everyone stared at him and Tosh was the first to crack, snorting and sniggering behind her hands at him as he stood with a look of doom like a weird genie from an English Bottle.

"So. What are we doing rally?" Ianto smiled softly, breaking the illusion of granite.

"Well… Kev and the family are going away to the country" Jack said calmly "The water is gone and I am going to task Owen with procuring a new stove. I know we can't replace Bertha but he has to clean it thoroughly, leaving the pieces for you to put back together. He knows the rules. Only you can assemble it, even if you showed him a million times. I think we can trust him with the dismantling right?"

"Agreed" Ianto smiled stepping closer "So far so good. What's next?"

"You and I go have a conversation with Drago. She seemed … pissed."

Ianto's smile faded "What. She was not polite?"

"Oh… she was. But .,. I think she wants reassurance." Jack tried to be polite too "Maybe she will feel better if I can explain to her that I love you, want to marry you and be with you forever. Two immortals locked in love."

"Locked in."

"I mean .. bonded. Like… two jigsaw pieces… not a jail. That came out wrong" Jack was backpedalling as he started to panic then saw the amusement in those stormy eyes and knew his mate was fucking with him.

He was always better after a shower.

"Darling. My life. My love. Will you bond to me?" Jack lowered himself to a knee and held out the bands, "I want to be yours forever."

Ianto primly plucked one of the rings up and examined it as Jack rose again, waiting for the answer.

"Well. About bloody time" Ianto huffed sliding the ring onto his own finger and sighing softly "Nice. Good. Right. I'm hungry. Get me food and then we will go see my girl."

"Lasagne?" Rhys appeared out of nowhere with a plate of hot food, the fork stuck in it like an antenna, "Me girl here has a chocolate milkshake. She thinks you like that."

"Alice. Yes. I think I do" Ianto said with delight, moving to the sofa that seemed, thankfully…dry. Ianto stated to eat and groaned with delight. Jack moved to dry his hair and play with it, the wet strands sliding through his fingers were sensual to the touch.

Ianto purred.

Owen let out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding.

Seems they are gonna survive another day.

If they get rid of those bloody bugs.

Ewwwwww.

10 whispered to his wife "Do you think Jack realises that was not the ceremony? He still has to do the thing?"

She hummed as she grinned back at him.

Oh yeah.

She was gonna make sure they had the ceremony all right!

She already had the frock.


	21. one does not cut three ways

SuziH-J  
Thank goodness they are moving Kev and his little ones out of the Hub. Ianto would be livid if they started shedding in there.

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FranArian  
Oh, Jack...you are soooo in for it, in so many ways, from so many directions. *cackle*

The visit with Drago should be interesting...and I can't wait to find out what River has up her sleeve for the Ceremony.

(I agree, the masks suck. If you rub shaving cream {old fashioned cream, not the gel to cream stuff} on your lenses, then rinse it off completely with tepid water, they won't fog up with the mask on. I'm glad you're still gainfully employed, but I understand your exhaustion. I'm still in the office M - F as well. Home Care group, and since I have to code the charts before they can be billed, I'm considered essential {whole place would grind to a halt without coding as it's the firt part of the revenue cycle}. Rest when you can, keep up your precautions, and hope for the best. It's all any of us can do, sweetie.)

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DarqueQueen7  
That last line is BRILLIANT!

So, Ianto's TARDIS is called Drago? Great! Drago is put at ease as she lets them know she would like to move upstairs into Jack's office.

Ken and Andy move. to the country, taking all the their bugs with them as Alice, Stephen and Rhys decide to move in together. Jack offers Rhys a job, which he happily accepts. Jack and Ianto complete their bonding ceremony in front of everyone and they have finally have a meal with everyone present. Except for Dead Gwen.

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.DeeBeader

1-River, stop commandeering Ianto's life! You don't want to piss off Squishy any more than he is already! You and 10 could push him into taking off with his Tardis and Jack for dimensions unknown with your meddling!  
2-Why doesn't 10 help out by taking Kev and his spawn back to his home planet? Retcon Andy and Kev; get those bugs off the planet permanently. Before Ianto hits them with "One Shot" bug spray…  
3-Bertha/Drago is not psychotic; she was MADE that way by those bugs. She's a sweet little slightly demented Tardis…  
4-Only Ianto could get away with his "master" imitation of saying he's killing everyone and only Tosh could get away with laughing at Ianto; that towel on his head though, he might need that. That's gonna be a fun conversation with Drago…

NY isn't doing as bad as it could be but your PM is awesome! Glad to see you're still working. I'm working from home but my boss has just informed me that if it had not been for

,

,

KatWillow60

Already has the frock Spoilers here-hee

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Wicked_Wench

Jack doesn't always think things through, but I think he knows Ianto will need a formal ceremony of some kind. He also knows better than to piss River off.

Snowdropsunshine

I think this story is hilarious. Your country was certainly smarter than mine by shutting everything down quickly. New York city has had over 700 people  
die daily for almost 3 weeks. I live in North Carolina and we have just in my state 5,500 people that have tested positive and 132 have passed away. We aren't anywhere close to reopening anything yet. Hope that you will continue to be able to stay safe and healthy in the future. Good luck!

….

* * *

OK, so Bertha was the coffee machine …. Drago is the TARDIS. Owen is a prat.

…

* * *

Ianto had reassembled Bertha, his little beloved and his fingers slid over the knobs in a loving caress as one might a lover. This ancient coffee machine was not only one of Ianto's favourite things it was also the first thing he had really bonded to on this planet.

Coffee.

Only get it here ya know. This little planet with its golden gems. Gods, it was a paradise and his father was right to fear others coming and raping its goodness. Why he joined Torchwood in the first place, to try and help protect.

Sort of like Greenpeace with guns.

Ianto felt a lot calmer now, the shower always helped and now the humour was setting in. It had all been so silly, so … damned… what is that? Ianto leaned in and let his fingernail scratch at a mark on the pristine machine's metal surface, letting his breath out as the mark disappeared. Not a dent. Whew. Might have to cut a bitch if that happened.

"Tiger?"

Ianto turned to see Jack in the doorway looking a little … nervous. Not his usually swaggering self and he smiled, kneeing it was likely due to the Parentals. "I hope Drago was not too rude. She can be."

"No. No, she is very loving and protective of you. I see that but … I think she likes me. I respect her affection for you." Jack settled at the table to watch as the machine warmed up to Ianto's standard. "Coffee love?"

"In another minute, the thermostat is not at the right temperature yet. Gotta have the water right" Ianto muttered as he looked at the machine.

"So, gonna take Kev and Andy out to see that house? The one with the bricked walls around it, remember? Owen said it was like a moat or something around the house? He wanted to see if it was watertight, make a big swimming pool with a house in the middle? You said you would murderize him?" Jack said as he settled back "Had all the weeds in the garden. You were horrified."

"I remember that one. The dead Shikran. Ewww. Smell should be gone now. Yes, the little shits will like exploring that old forgotten garden." Ianto agreed "Did they find them all?"

"Al but Elvis" Jack sighed "They are not worried about it, seem to act like it's no big deal. The old "He'll come when he's hungry' comment."

"I hope he's OK" Ianto swung to face him "I actually like that one. Got spunk."

"Yeah, sort of reminds me of Owen … all … creepy and skittery as he creeps along with his little hands grabbing things" Jack mimicked a weird grabby old man and Ianto laughed as he turned back to check again.

"There we are, cuppas on the way."

Jack rose, walking over to kiss Ianto's forehead and then moving to the main Hub to check everyone was OK. Ianto had centred him again, helped him shake off the unsettling feeling of having something as powerful as a TARDIS look you in the eye. And 10. Sexy, handsome 10, all … nervy and geeky and cute, standing with Toshiko in deep conversation.

Why hadn't he seen it.

Ianto.

"You look deep in thought there sweetie" River said as she walked over to look at Jack's pensive expression.

"I loved Ianto from the first moment I saw him. Tried to hide it, ignore it and even tried to push him away. Hard. Cruel. Showed him my nasty side, my angry side… a little thing with Cybermen involved and I showed him my homicidal side… still … he remains. Still … I burn for him deep in my gut. Now I see … the first spark of attraction was that man over there. My Doctor. I mean .. I know all the faces … love all of them but that one is the one I hold in my dreams. Now… Ianto. Same smile, same cant of the head, same dry wit. I see now tht I was in love with Ianto before I knew him. Why it didn't work with the Doctor. Why despite the love there… we didn't fit. He was not the one … Ianto is." Jack sighed then looked horrified as he realised he had just spilled his guts, looking at her with chagrin "Sorry. He's your husband and Ianto your baby."

"I have known many faces, I have kissed many lips, always though .. his eyes. When you look deep into them, regardless the colour or shape… they are his. Although… when I have a sexy dream … 11 was my first." She winked as she started to walk away and Jack laughed at the cheekiness. Funny. Like the Doctor had a strong willed and gregarious woman … he was that to Ianto.

He and River were a lot alike.

Why had he not seen that either?

"I offered to take them home, to Kev's world but he didn't' want to take Andy there… apparently they would eat him and he loves him. Sweet, yes?" 10 said as he turned to Jack, calling across the Hub like he used to across the flight console of the TARDIS, not a care in the world for other people's space. "You know Jack … Ianto's TARDIS is still operational too. If you two ever want to go for a little holiday somewhere. Me and River will be happy to mind the baby."

Jack didn't know what to say, the idea of giving his child to the madman not one he had even considered and Ianto saved him as he came out of the kitchen with a tray of coffees "don't be silly Taddy. I will keep tht baby attached to me like a limpet. You forget… I remember my weird and wacky adventures with you and much as I enjoyed them … they also terrified me a bit. No. I think I would trust Mama before you, and that is saying a lot!"

"Why darling … I do not know if I am going to take that as a compliment or not" River laughed.

"Well … let's just agree that my parenting style might differ to yours and leave it at that" Ianto said with a look through his eyelashes and his mother huffed.

"Come on darling … one time. You were eaten by a flerovian flower one time and I did cut you out!" she defended herself as he stated to walk away and he looked over his shoulder at her.

"Three. One eating episode does not go into three no matter how many ways you fold it Mother!"

River shrugged the laughed softly.

OK. Maybe she had accidentally had him eaten by something three times.

Gods, he remembers EVERYTHING.

Her little Archivist.


	22. where are they going?

FranArian  
They're going to get Andy, Kev and brood out of their way (sooner he better), and things will likely calm down just long enough for River to insist (a.k.a. command at gun point) on the Bonding Ceremony taking place...but all Hell is likely to break loose again, problably right in the middle of Ianto and Jack's "honeymoon".  
That could go two ways...either they step in and gods help the trouble maker(s) for interrupting sexy times, or they play the "just go Bonded, do it yourself" card and the Parentals have to work with Torchwood to solve the problem. Gonna get messy either way... hehehehehehe...

DeeBeader on Chapter 21 Sun 19 Apr 2020 03:57PM NZST

1-Um, I don't think Jack or Ianto will let the parental babysit... if he got eaten by something three times, Ianto's baby could possibly do worse... And we don't want Jack to have a meltdown.  
2-I hope that moat will be deep enough for Andy & Kev's buglettes. If Elvis isn't in Ianto's Tardis or the Doctors' Tardises ... On second thought, somebody check Owen. He could be hiding Elvis for himself!  
3-A "friendly" warning sign should be posted near Bertha... serious consequences for even looking at her wrong and dire injury would occur to the miscreant responsible - that means YOU, Owen!  
4-That's going to be an interesting conversation with Drago...

…..

* * *

Well now … let's see …

…..

* * *

The sign was being placed up by a reverent Owen, his hands sliding over the plastic coated sheet with the words 'DON'T FUCK WITH THE COFFEE KING' in bold letters. Ianto was leaning against the counter watching with a mixture of amusement and annoyance as Owen tore yet another piece of tape from the dispenser to smooth the poster to the wall.

"Owen, any more and we will need a new roll" Ianto scolded tactfully, Owen getting the hint and stepping back to check if it was straight. Yeah. Now, after enough sellotape to have saved the Titanic.

Ianto rubbed his little belly and yawned, hungry and tired but really not wanting to admi tto anything as his parentals still lurked in the main Hub with so many things to touch, explore, activate… Steal… you get the idea.

"Hey Tiger" Jack called as he entered the Hub, skipping down the steps and waving to the two time travellers who were over with Toshiko looking at the screen she as working on.

"Ah! Jack!" the Doctor grins as he stalks over to him, hands in pockets, slightly leaning forward like he has to propel himself. Jack has missed this one, his energy and almost sarcastic glances.

"Yes Doctor?"

"Did you happen to see that Meverillian Sun Shower the other day?" the Doctor asks "Spectacular. You must have… lit p the sky… oh waut. Wale. Rain. Awwww, you missed it down here in the swaps?"

"Tad!" Ianto warns as he emerges with a plate of food, pacing it down on the coffee table then settling on the sofa with a sigh.

"No coffee?" Jack whines.

"Owen is bringing some milkshakes. He likes making milkshakes. I got him his own little milkshake maker last Christmas, he wears a special hat" Ianto said to his father conversationally and River looked up for the screen with surprise.

"Did you say.. a hat?"

Owen entered with a white baker's hat on. Looking like a real idiot, he made a display of handing out milkshakes. Banana. "Cos Ianto really likes banana."

"Me too. Good things those. A myriad of uses" the Doctor nodded.

"Especially if you are a pickpocket" Jack muttered then grinned as he recalled the 9's light fingers.

"Now now. We agreed never to speak of the Chula incident" the Doctor scolded, then turned to River "what are you doing dear?"

"Looking for a spike three days ago. There it is. Thought so. There is my lost shoe!" she laughed, pointing as CCTV showed a shoe falling from the sky.

"Ah. Cinderella … you shall go to the ball" the Doctor said with a flourish "Let's go get your slipper!"

Owen rose to go with them, then hesitated and looked over at Jack "Did they like it?"

"Yeah. Settled right in" Jack grinned happily as he knew what Owen meant "By the way.. any sign of Elvis?"

"Nah. I have a horrible thought that someone ate him in the cells. He knew not to go down there right?" Owen grimaced.

"I don't' think he would have. Besides … he doesn't know the code anymore. We changed it after realising it was him letting Janet out all the time" Jack shrugged.

"OK. I'm out!" Owen did a weird gang sign that didn't quite come off then ran after the little pose leaving without him, the two men now left alone in the Hub. Jack looked around, just realising this.

"Where is everyone?"

"Idiot left with tweedle-do and tweedle-don't" Ianto said softly "Andy and Kev are where you left them. Alice and Rhys are at the shops and Gwen … well … history."

"Ah. Yes. That's right. That's where we are" Jack leaned in and kissed Ianto energetically "all alone in the big… empty Hub."

"No naked Hide-n-seek" Ianto answered calmly "they will be back."

"We could go to the TARDIS. She can make lots of rooms for us to play in" Jack pouted and then whispered "Hidey-holes."

"Hidey…." Ianto slapped at him and laughed "That's what got me up the diff Captain … your' hiding things in holes! No! Think Honeymoon. I want one of those ya know. NO ALCOHOL OR BLOODY JOHN HART!"

"Ahhhhhhh" Jack flopped back.

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Owen was driving, whooping as they raced along with Tosh in the passenger seat and River sat happily in the back with her husband going over the coordinates.

"And the others? 11 and 12?" he asked.

"On it. Will be back once they track it down" she replied absently.

"Squishy will not be happy about this. You know he hates a fuss. Gods. They wouldn't' steal one would they? They do know a bonding ceremony might be blighted if the main chalice was stolen? It will be hard enough to convince Squishy to use the damned thing."

"It will be fine" she soothed "You worry too much. This is you… and you… we are talking about."

"Exactly" he grumbled with annoyance "Don't trust them."

In the back of the SUV a little head poked up from the boxes in the back, his tiny eyes glittering with glee as he finally saw the daylight for the first time.

Elvis has left the building.


	23. animals and rain

DarqueQueen7  
oh no. Elvis has gone missing. all chaos will ensue. I can't write much because I can't really see anymore. I'm the one that has issues with diabetic retinopathy. so I leave the rest of the story in all of your capable hands.

..

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SuziH-J  
Oh shite, Elvis is in the SUV. Hope someone sees him before he gets out.

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FranArian  
Elvis is going to end up road-kill and very unattractive grease spot on the tarmac if he's not careful.

Yep...this is all the calm before the storm...

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KathyC

Oh no. (Face palm.) What is Elvis up to? He's way too little to be out on his own. Andy's probably going ape trying to find him by now.

The Time Lord parental are plotting. That never ends well. DEFCON 2, anyone?

So, chalice, huh? Like Raiders of the Lost Ark drinking cup, or power of a god type thing? Or, maybe, something completely different?

Comment Actions

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Snowdropsunshine

Aw, I love it! That little Elvis is freaking adorable!

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DomIantoRules

You did all that just for the last line, right? Bet you had this in mind several chapters ago.

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DeeBeader

1-Oooooohhhh those parental schemes do not bode well for Jack and "Squishy"... Ianto might decide to remind them why he's nicknamed "Squishy"!  
2-Elvis has left the building, but only temporarily... That kid just might be the thing to cause Ianto, Jack and his Tardis to flee the Hub for parts unknown to the parentals, especially with 10 dropping hints about the sun shower.  
3-the boys could elope to escape the Doctors but River and her sonic could be a problem... Does it have a tracer on Drago?  
Nice sign Owen!

* * *

…..

* * *

"How important is this shoe again?" Owen asked for the umpteenth time as they stood in the rain, his face showing his disinterest in this now.

"It was part of a set. You need two or the set doesn't work" 10 replied like Owen was thick.

"They are the only ones that match my green pants" River said to Tosh who nodded fully understanding her dilemma.

"Stupid shoe" Owen muttered as he walked around another old rusty vehicle to check the long grass.

Yeah… of all the places to fall, it had to fall in a junk yard. Old car bodies, various metal things that made no sense in the half light….rain, let's not forget Owen's favourite part of any excursion. Rain.

"I like my shoe, I want my shoe and I will not leave without it!" River said forcefully to Owen as she stood holding an old oil pan, the muck dripping from it ruining the current shoes she wore with malice. Owen considered pointing this out but then scowled as he decided a tantrum might be a better idea.

"River.." 10 started.

"The heel is Dartmoerion steel!" she snapped "You know how hard that is to come by?"

"Because it's also a explosive!" 10 exploded himself "Are you fucking mad? That is a class three prohibited material on so many planets… if the Shadow Proclamation smelt it out… oh for the love of… RIVER!"

"Don't you yell at me" she roared back. "I'm your WIFE!"

"Maybe we all stop yelling" a voce startled them and they all swung to find a man standing there with the junkyard dog at his side and his rifle raised at them "Now I don't know where me other dog went, this as his area but this one 'ere is more than capable of ripping yer fecking throats out."

"Hello doggie" 10 crooned with glee, crouching with his hand out and the dog shot forward as Toshiko gasped with horror only to watch the dog become a puddle of goo while the Doctor rubbed it's belly.

"THAT is what happened to the other one. It's asleep over there" Owen pointed "We are not here to fuck with ya mate, this silly woman lost a shoe. Look … don't ask me how or why. Does anyone understand birds? Only … it somehow landed around here she reckons and she will not stop whinging about the bloody thing."

"A shoe" the man said, lowering the rifle with a look of disbelief.

"It matches this one" River pulled the lone shoe from her pocket "But for the other foot, naturally."

"Is she for real?"

"Yeah. It's raining, muddy and cold but she wants her shoe. I would rather be back at home on my Playstation killing zombies but …no. River lost her shoe" Owen sighed "Any idea where else to look? I mean … no black hole anywhere?"

"No… I mean.." the man now let the rifle drop to face the ground as he shrugged "Dog probably took it if someone threw it over the fence or whatever… I mean how the feck did it….. The only… holy fuck!"

The man swung the rifle and it went off with a loud boom, both barrels firing with matching velocity and vigour… metal flying as he screamed with fear, jumping back and jabbering as he tried to crack the rifle open to reload. Shotgun pellets hit the ground from his hastily explored pockets as he make little noises, shakily pulling out the spent cartridges and shoving in two more while moving in a slow circle "Did ya see that?"

"See what?" The Doctor crouched with alarm as well.

"It ws like… like a little spider monkey but… it was a fucking bug or something. It moved on its hind legs, running with little clawed hands out… fucking hell … I was an alien. An alien. Holy shit…they're real. Holy shit. We are under attack… that's where me dog went. Fecker probably 'et it." he slapped the gun closed and aimed from the hip, still turning slowly "What is wrong with you. I saw it, it's real. A fucking monkey-bug thing."

They were all still staring at him when Owen's face slowly changed to one of horror and he crouched, slowly turning in a circle too "Elvis? Elvis honey. Come to Uncle Owen. Come on baby… Elvis?"

The man froze, looking over at Owen like he was fucking mad, then resumed hunting, swinging around car bodies with the gun ready to fire but no sign of… a noise make the man look up in time to see a VW that had been perched on the roof of a Cadillac shudder. He stood and watched with confusion as it shuddered again, then to his horror is slid towards him.

Owen tackled him and they fell to one side, Owen panting as he looked up "ELVIS! BAD BOY! You wait until I tell your Dad!"

Elvis stood on top of the wreaked Caddy looking down at Owen and me made a noise like a raspberry, letting Owen know he ws not scared of that threat, then he squeaked a River's hands closed around his throat from behind.

"Bad baby!" she scolded as she held him away for her body, the little creature wriggling and squirming as it tried to gut her with it's little claws "Stop that. You are a naughty little boy!"

Elvis gave up and dangled there with a look of doom.

"Holy shit" the Junk Yard Man said as he got up from the ground and stared at the little bug. "He's …"

"That's me pet monkey … he has …ah…alopecia. Look mate, we are all a little shook up. Pardon the pun…heh heh… come on. Let share a brew, or ya got something stronger?" Owen asked as he fingered the ever present bottle of Retcon in his pocket.

Elvis made a raspberry sound again, this time with his little tongue clearly on display.

River turned to take the little shit to the SUV an a nice solid cage or something when she saw it "MY SHOE! ELVIS YOU CLEVER BOY!"

.

.

.

.

Ianto slumped in the chair as he watched the Captain pace.

"They will, I mean it" he was warning Jack "I bet… I bet Mama already has those two off on an errand of upmost importance, like bright orange fedoras we have to wear or… or… it's a naked ceremony and they are getting the body paint… something shit she will try to pass off as traditional Gallifreyan rite. I mean… her ceremony to Tad was not traditional … she's never been there, does not come from there… is not even Gallifreyan but will do this entire Mother of the Bride style thing…."

"So… does that mean you will wear a dress?" Jack said and Ianto swung to snap, then smiled as he saw that Jack was trying to calm him down with humour.

"No. Maybe you can wear the dress."

"You calling me the wife?" jack gasped as he fluttered his hands at his chest like some heroine about to faint.

"Well … if the dress fits…"

"You mean the shoe. Yeah, I get what you mean. They are relentless" Jack sighed "I don't know love… I want you so bad my balls ache. But your prarentals .. pain in another part down there."

"Tell me about it" Ianto sighed as he finally walked over to take Jack's face in his hands "But what other option is there?"

Jack looked into those wonderful storms then remembered the Doctor saying something about a storm… oh yeah… and whispered "We could elope."

They stood in silence, only the sound of running water.

Hmmmmmm.

Ianto raised an eyebrow.


	24. flying the coop

DarqueQueen7  
ELOPE! ELOPE! Thank the gods Elvis is okay! And he found River's shoe! Poor Andy and Kev may have aged out of fear after his disappearance. Gotta sleep, my eye is killing me. I hope I'm writing English. Both of the images my eyes are seeing are not merging into one; it's a nightmare!

.

FranArian  
YES! Elope, my lovelies, it's the only way to preserve your sanity!

Nip off in Ianto's TARDIS, have the nice calm version of the Bonding Ceremony you both want, take a fantastic honeymoon, maybe stay away long enough to have the baby and bond with it before the Paretnals can muddy the waters, then come back and watch the tantrums.

Elvis needs a serious blister on his bum for being such a little shit.

.

Brose1001  
Ooo. Eloping is good. River finds out perhaps an hour or so after the deed is done.  
Then throws the mother of all tantrums, and tries to get the ceremony she wanted in the first place.

.

KathyC

Elope? Eloping sounds good. Yeah, they should absolutely elope. That won't upset the parental at all.

At least Elvis is safe, for now. Not sure if River is going to let it stay that way. LOL

Owen is having WAY too much fun playing with the Retcon.

..

KatWillow60

I like Elvis I think River should adopt Elvis (what kind of genders do they have?)

.

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DeeBeader

1-Elvis could be helpful to Ianto and Jack if they try to elope, especially when River reveals the 12-Layer Southern-Belle Dress From Hell somebody has to wear.. and the chalice of doom the parentals want.  
2- Good idea, Jack; you and Ianto need to make an "emergency" trip to an unnamed destination (do NOT go to Boeshane at any when or to the Sun Showers!). When River reveals her wedding plans for you and Ianto, DO get Tosh to help as you sneak Ianto's Tardis out of the Hub. She can disable the parentals' trackers using that damn "Baby Shark" ditty that Elvis likes.  
3-No. No amount of body paint can hide the boys' "tool kits"... Edible underwear thongs might work for the boys' "modesty", but nekked body paint, nah... Jack might get carried away tasting Ianto during the ceremony...

…..

Lol … OK … mishmash … taking a bash…. At this

…..

Ianto stood in silent shock as River held it out, her gleeful face filing the room with as much delight as everyone else was filling it with horror.

"What do you think?" she asked "A traditional Germerlition Bonding Gown!"

"Neither myself nor Jack are of the Germerlitia Sector mother"

"But look … the tulle is different colours, as you twirl it is changes… like water… a mix of.."

"Shit" Owen supplied with a snort "It's … its water like some sort of … dairrhea cascade... of shit colours. Look like the sewers after Curry Thursday."

River dropped her arms so the dress she was holding out fluffed onto the ground and glared at him "Its fucking traditional you scrotum!"

"Scrote… what?" Owen blinked "Did she … did she just call me…"

"Let's all calm down a bit" Ianto sighed as he saw Owen pulling himself up to his full height, a rarity in itself and if not for the fact Elvis ws currently in a baby front pack strapped to Owen's chest like Ripley's Chest Burster stopped for a rest half way out, he would have been formidable as he glowered at her.

"Owen. Sit down."

"She called me… in front to of the bug… like… so rude!"

"Did you call Andy yet? Tell him we have Elvis?" Ianto changed the subject as River morosely picked up the dress, the browns and green were indeed shitty colours but in the eyes of the Germerlition empire it was of the colours of the royal family.

"Maybe … maybe we should try for Gallifreyan colours in the same design?" Toshiko suggested diplomatically? "For Mother of the …ah.. Groom? Then you will represent for your husband AND your son?"

"I saw one once" River sighed "One of their ceremonies. It takes five days. At the end of it so many were pregnant. They just… gorge with food and then have this massive orgy in the middle of…"

"Orgy?" Jack squawked, paused to think that response through and then swung to look at the 'Glare of Doom' from his mate, laughing softly as he added "I only need one man."

"Nice save" 10 clapped him on the shoulder, and then turned to his other …ah….selves "Right. I know she sent you two for something other than a frock. Come on …me… lay it on… me."

Ianto glanced over at Tosh and nodded, then started to pick up files left on the meeting room desk. Toshiko cleared her throat "You know … I think there might be some Killorittion Bonding Rings in the Level Three storage rooms. Haven't checked yet, maybe if someone could help me look through all that tat… gotta be thousands of pieces of alien tech in….there…"

They were gone. All three Doctors and an excited River pushing them as they raced for the Level Three Storage Area that held many things… bar any form of bonding ring that is.

"Thank you Toshi" Ianto drew her close and kissed her forehead lovingly "And… watch that twit. I think he is a little too attached to that baby."

Toshiko turned to find Owen dancing slowly around the room humming as his hands rubbed the sleepy alien lovingly.

"Oh god" she sighed "Sooo clucky. Maybe I can talk Andy and Kev into letting him keep him. I sure as hell don't want to squeeze a watermelon out my wha-wha."

"Your…wha…." Jack gasped with horror.

Owen snagged her hand and pulled her in for a waltz.

Jack was pulled sharply out the door and he was still trying to get the mere thought of his sweet little Tosh even having a…wha-wha … his little blossom … before he found himself in front of a red door.

"Oh. Yes!" he remembered the plan, following Ianto inside where Ianto slumped into a chair with a groan of relief.

"My god. Drago … help me escape this madness" he called out and Jack laughed then squealed as he was thrown into a chair by into while the room shuddered like an earthquake.

"Shi." Ianto leaned forward and pulled on a drawer then cursed again and kicked it. The drawer made a clicking nose and the shuddering stopped, the desk started to transform into a flight console and Ianto turned to grin at Jack "Handbrake was on. The most common mistake a Timelord can make."

Jack couldn't help but laugh.

.

.

.

"This is perfect!" River held up a Draxori head dress and 11 made a noise of excitement as he rushed to try it on, 12 rolling his eyes as he looked aver at 10 and they shared a look of exasperation.

"Find anything?" Owen entered sans front pack and River straightened up to look at him.

"It's a wild goose chase… isn't it" she snarled, suddenly seeing the smug look on the little rat's face.

Elvis chose this moment to appear from behind some shelving with his clawed hands holding out a little gerfi doll. Like a teddy bear but… imagine a killer bear with sharp teeth and red glowing eyes. The little creature started to dance with the doll much as he had seen Owen and Toshiko dancing in the Hub, the weird noises he was making …might be… singing.

River dropped the box she was shaking to watch the little bug dance, swing the teddy and generally steal the show with a weird, deadly and dangerous… cuteness.

"Awwwww" 10 let the headdress fall to the floor "Look. He's dancing!"

.

.

.

.

"Come on Tosh" Ianto hissed in to the coms as he started running around the flight console like his parnetals do, slapping, pushing and tweaking. An occasional bell sounded or light lit up and Jack saw it as some sort of interruptive dance.

"Almost" she replied "It's not easy. This is not mine!"

I can't maintain orbit forever, Drago wants to fly" Ianto sighed "It's OK. Just … be careful with Tad's Mark 40. Don't let her know you are in her matrix please … if she finds you mainframe is toast"

"What?" Toshiko squeaked with horror as her fingers paused on her keyboard "What do you mean … toast?"

"Like… killy killy die die" Ianto said happily "But ... come on. Almost there."

"Dear god" she sighed, then looked back at her screen, tapping her earwig as she said to Ianto "Found the right sequences. So … what programme am I looking for again?"

.

.

.

.

"Oooo, wait!" Owen held out his hands and then grinned as he started to sing 'Baby Shark' with Elvis dropping the doll to run and join him.

"Awwwwwww" River clasped her hands tighter "Loooooooooooook"

10 looked at 11 who was moving to stand with their wife to watch with equal glee, then he looked over at 12 who was frowning deeply.

Yeah.

He got his attention and mouthed 'distraction?' to 12 who shrugged, then he mouthed back 'not bad tho' and then nodded turning to watch some more.

.

.

.

"Trace and track… got it. Right… I am inputting the programme your TARDIS sent me… and… there. She accepted it. What now?" Toshiko asked.

"Now… we fly!" Ianto crowed as he slapped a button and Jack felt that drop in his gut when a TARDIS runs.

Whooo hoooooo

.

.

.

.

River swung to stare at her husbands "What was that?"

They stared back then 12 said gently "I believe that was our on escaping."

She screamed as she ran for the main hub, Toshiko innocently sitting on the sofa reading a magazine… upside down but thankfully unnoticed as River tore past and as she ran down through the level she screamed "SOMEONE IS WEARING THAT FUCKING DRESS!"

She came to the small store room with the dull steel door and knew damned well the TARDIS that had parked in the corridor in front of said door with its own sweet red door was running like the hounds of hell were after her.

"Ianto ICCARUS ARCHIVISTTTTTTTTT PONDDDDDDDDDDDDD"

"Oh man" 11 sighed "He is so grounded."


	25. a beach

DarqueQueen7  
Grounded? But, dont you have to be caught first? Lovong where youre taking us. Please continue!

.

..

FranArian  
Ianto's a POND! Love it!

River needs to wear the Diarrhoea Diva dress herself if she's that enamoured with it... Yick!

Good job, boys! You did the right thing. Ianto and Jack both would have been finding ways to make the Parentals regenerate if things had kept going the way they were.

Now comes the sweet ceremony and relaxing honeymoon the boys deserve, while chaos reigns back at the Hub (River is going to be a major problem child for a bit over this).

Excellent use of Baby Shark, by the way {gods, I so HATE that whole franchise...so annoying, but seems appropriate for Elvis and Owen as a signature tune}.

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.

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DeeBeader

1-Elvis! Take that kid to the Las Vegas Cluster; he's brilliant in distraction! Maybe he could go with 11 later?  
2-I'm DYING over here at Owen's description of the 12 layer frothy concoction from a Robert Aspirin book. And Owen singing "Baby Shark" with Elvis is so sweet...  
3-Tosh is brilliant with her and Ianto's "send-them-to-the-archive" scheming. I hope Ianto learns to drive his Tardis fast without that typical handbrake problem; the parentals need to realize they cannot ground him now and Ianto is soooo good at being 'invisible'; Jack could tell them if he were there.  
4-Ianto: get your pregnant ass in gear and take a runner to one of the early centuries, maybe 15th or so, but not in Earth's history. Hide out on one of those planets in the Las Vegas sector or in the home sector of that blue girl who worked for Dr Yana. Just get outta Dodge, boy, before your mama finds you or you'll be wearing that monstrosity!

.

.

..

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KatWillow60

Yes,yes Toshi and Owie and Elvis lovely new family I think Elvis is going to be a great Torchwood agent some day.

Eloping, sigh how cool and hmm gone long enough to have a baby and get Jack preggers?

And Ianto & his, do we know what name his Tardis goes by?, can hit a date/time far better than his parentals

….

Ianto watched Jack run across the sand whooping as he chased the birds away from the water's edge where they had been scavenging. Jack's arms flapped as he made a ridiculous noise and Ianto laughed the naked man's dick flopping as he ran like he was not sure if he was scaring or enticing the poor birds.

They had been here a week without being discovered by anyone… Boeshane.

Pre-Harkness era of course.

Jack had been enthralled to see his own planet, the beauty of it before the first turf wars had changed the atmo to a cloudy disposition, a blue sky like that of his early childhood a boon to see. Jack flopped back onto the blanket and turned to Ianto "You know… one of the children we saw in the square might have been my grandfather or grandmother, selling their family wares."

"Possibly, but none of them looked handsome" Ianto assured his mate "So … probably not."

Jack laughed and flopped back down again, looking up at the sky.

"Sooner or later we shall have to go back" Ianto sighed, now joining his … husband as they looked up at the sky, the matching wedding bands of Boeshanninan Blue Steel perfect for the occasion.

It had been a small ceremony, right there at the water's edge, the celebrant an old woman with crazy hair and a wide smile as she plucked a feather from those in her hair to wave at them as she scolded them for already being with child, then crooning happily that she could join them in the traditional way.

Sunset.

The water lapping ever closer as she prayed to the gods for love, temperance and when needed courage. So Boeshanninan. Courage as part of wedding vows but it seemed right. Jack had been enamoured to hear fluent Boeshanninan from his beloved Tiger as Ianto said his part of the vows and added at the end … and forgiveness.

Jack grinned widely at that, turning on the blanket again "you meant that right? You will always forgive me?"

"Yes Cariad. Don't have much choice, you seem destined to need it" Ianto sighed.

"Need?"

"Forgiveness. Though, better to ask forgiveness than permission I guess" Ianto rolled his head and pouted, gaining a kiss as Jack snuggled in the warmth of the suns "You know … this is perfect."

"It will be... I can smell Boragga Buns on a hot stone somewhere ... I will go forging my love" Jack kissed him and was gone, moment later returning to hook a spare towel around his waist as Ianto laughed softly.

Things had to change, if only for his little Peanut. More of a bloody grapefruit now… soon to be a watermelon .. growing so fast with the Boeshane air agreeing with him, not to mention the food. Gods, Ianto had no idea the food ws so damned juicy. Not spicy as you would think for a sandy planet… not. Fruity and rich.

Jack retuned with a large plate bursting with food and Ianto's mouth watered as he smelt some fresh meat in there as well, char grilled no less with some fruity chutney concoction drizzled over it. Gods, Jack was such a food connoisseur. He really knew his food.

They ate in companionable silence until a young man approached them "Take your picture?"

"Sure" Jack smiled and the young man took a picture, the holographic 3D picture he handed over from his instamatic capturing their joy.

"look at that Cariad, our wedding portrait" Ianto giggled "Mama is gonna kill you."

"Me? Why me?"

"Well … she LOVES me." Ianto giggled some more, then ate another bun with gusto as Jack frowned now, looking over at Drago who sat on the edge of the sand, just a small patch of grass the only space you could possibly wipe your feet and the TARDIS had landed perfectly.

"Tiger?"

"Hmmmm?"

"She won't really though… will she?"

"I don't know. She will rant a bit but really … what's a little gunshot to the head hmmmm?" Ianto fluttered his eyelashes "Let her have her moment before you come back to me?"

Jack frowned as he looked at his love not sure if Ianto was fooling or not. So cheeky he might just be pulling his leg… mind you… Dr Song is capable.

.

.

.

.

Do you think they are having a good time?" Tosh called out and Owen shrugged not really caring as long as the peace and quiet kept up a bit longer.

It was kinda nice while the Doctors were gone hunting Rabbit…ah… well. Tigers and Bears? Is Jack a bear? Or a lion? Owen stopped working to consider what animal Jack would be.

Elvis was sitting in the edge of the workstation making noises as Owen tried to ignore him, finishing up the report before turning to him "What. Really?"

Elvis made a sad noise.

"OK. Just once more!" Owen sighed theatrically and rose, holding out his arms and the little bug leapt into them, laying down the arms with his little feet dangling off Owen's hands that closed gently around his …ah… ankles?

"Ready Ranger One?"

Squeak.

Owen started to spin while making a growling noise, swinging like he was about to throw a shot-put in some Olympic arena and Elvis screamed with glee, his little head falling back with the G-Force as Owen picked up speed and started to stagger as he got dizzy from the action.

Luckily Andy and Kev entered the Hub with the brood and it was Kev that caught Owen as he staggered into him, Elvis laughing and choking as he clutched Owen who lovingly kissed the little bug's head and called him a spoilt beast.

Andy kissed the 'pilot' then to Owen's surprise the cheek of the 'plane' got a peck too before Andy moved off to start unpacking lunch.

Elvis scuttled up those arms into Owen's chest to snuggle against him, making it clear this was where he was staying.

This was Dada now.

He had imprinted.

Kev didn't care, his own bugs hanging off him like hand grenades around his belt.

Maybe they were, who knows how their young develop, clearly they are little beasts that explode at you. At least they were old enough to behave themselves… sort of.

Except for Elvis.

He just wanted to stay with Dada Owie.

Two idiots together.

* * *


	26. down the well?

Eleana666  
Hard to picture loving those bugs! However, I am glad that Owen now has a "son"!

.

.

FranArian  
I get the feeling Sexy is not really going to be overly helpful finding Drago...she knows better than to irritate Ianto, and will happily take the Parentals on a massive wild goose chase until she's told they can come back. She's well aware that her daughter would be a hellion if they caught up...what's that song say? She's sweet but a little bit psycho... yeah, that would be Ianto's TARDIS.

The boys deserve to relax and honeymoon as long as they want...if that means they return to the Hub with Ianto wearing a frontpack with a six month old, then so be it.

Cute that Owen has taken on Elvis as his wee minion. Should be scary as time goes on. Little bug will likely be better behaved than his siblings, as I doubt Tosh will put up with much nonsense.

Who knows how long the boys will be gone in Hub time...if the come home to discover Alice and Rhys planning a wedding, there could be some fireworks from Jack (shock and all that, though I'm sure he'll be on board once he thinks about it).

The Parentals need to get a grip and learn that they can't dictate Ianto's life... forcing him to go total Archivist on them and deliver a harsh smack down won't be fun for anyone.

/

/

DarqueQueen7  
Oh! Elvis and Owen are just too cute! The boys have to come home and face the music before River and the Doctors find them. Andy and Kev are doing good with the assorted little ones. Owen and Tosh have Elviswho is going to look human soon enough. Alice, Stephen and Rhys are. doing good and Gwen is gone! Which is the best part of all of this.

So...maybe it's time for the Fat Lady to sing? D.

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DeeBeader

1-So lovely, their simple marriage ceremony done on Boeshane as they wanted. Only glitch is that picture which the parental Tardises might be able to hone in on.  
2-Those parental Tardises do like Jack and could decide to use the "baby shark virus" excuse to NOT locate Jack and Ianto, at least for a bit of time (like a few years!). Keep River away from weapons please. Let's not traumatize the baby and Ianto.  
3-Owen and his bug… hope the kid will mutate into a humanoid appearance soon if Owen and Tosh are going to keep him.  
4-That mental image of Jack running on the beach with the floppy dick ... "Calgon, take me away"!.

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,.

KathyC

"Dada Owie"? Now I'm scared.

Well, I suppose that's one way to have a traditional Boeshannian wedding. If you want it done right just go to Boeshanne. Just keep the good food coming, Jack.

So, what brought Andy and Kev back? Obviously they weren't worried about Elvis.

As for River and the Doctors 3, I'm almost afraid to wonder what they're up to. As long as they don't find our boys too soon. Jack and Ianto deserve their honeymoon.

.

* * *

…..

* * *

.

"But … it's our honeymoon" Ianto sighed, watching Jack tie the rope around his waist and look apologetically at his love "Jack!"

"Sorry Tiger… someone has to get him out. He's just a little baby" Jack replied and Ianto threw his hands up in agreement.

.

.

.

TWO HOURS EARLIER

It was a wonderful little space with bush all around them, the clearing they were in was only interrupted by the occasional birdsong. They had been here for a while.. like almost six months their time, the TARDIS sitting silently out in the wood shed as Jack and Ianto indulged in some alone time.

Ianto was getting bigger every day and this morning Jack felt their little one moving for the first time, his excitement levels going through the roof as he revelled in the incoming life. They had been laying there on the bed when Ianto had heard it, his smile fading as Jack's slowly drained away as well.

That grinding noise they knew too well.

"You are kidding" Jack said slowly.

"I thought we would have longer" Ianto sighed rolling off the bed and puling on his clothes as Jack rose to do the same, both of them getting as far as the bottom half of the stairs before the door flew open and the Doctor staggered inside.

"Quick! The little shit fell down the well and … and only Jack can get hi, back!"

"Oh my god" Jack was horrified, running for the door as Ianto carefully took the stairs and he got to Sexy just as the doors started to close.

"Oh no you don't!" he roared and the doors stopped, then swing open again to allow him in before slamming behind him. At the flight console were three apologetic looking people … Owen… River…. Ten. Ianto looked around warily for the other doctors and saw that they were clearly not in attendance.

"If you are looking for 11 and 12.. they left" River said softly "Hello darling… look … I can explain…"

"He is down a well. Apparently you were watching him and he fell down a well" Ianto droned calmly "And for some reason only Jack can get him back."

"Yes. He's not hurt, the water broke his fall. Shallow enough to stand in … Radiation in the bottom from some fuel cells from something" Owen said as he looked nervously at Jack "Why we have to hurry. No telling how he will react to it … I mean ... he is of modified DNA and such but that is no guarantee. Not with that stuff."

"And how pray tell, did he fall in?" Ianto asked as he rubbed his belly "A precious little life, his innocent mind likely not even aware of danger and… down he goes. Like… he just walked over and flipped himself in?"

Ah… well … maybe I was playing a little rough?" Owen grimaced, now looking like he wanted to cry "We were playing ball and I kicked it to him a little hard and he… sort of …."

Owen made hand motions miming someone falling off a cliff or something as Ianto face palmed and Jack started to remove his braces as he spoke "Right… do we have enough rope and did anyone find the harness?"

"Why are you getting naked?" Owen asked "It's Radiation."

"It's OK" the Doctor assured Owen with a pat of his hand "He always gets naked for anything radioactive. It's like a rule."

Ianto sat carefully to hold his belly tightly and scold silently that things like this will happen but it is not good and every time this happens there will be consequences for a little baby that goes too far.

They landed and Jack raced out, running for the well and leaning over it to curse softly "I see him. Hang on little fella… I'm coming. It's OK, don't be scared."

Ianto got there in time to see Jack hastily clipping the harness on and making sure the rope around the well's top stay was solidly tied.

"But … it's our honeymoon" Ianto sighed, watching Jack tie the rope around his waist and look apologetically at his love "Jack!"

"Sorry Tiger… someone has to get him out. He's just a little baby" Jack replied and Ianto threw his hands up in agreement.

Jack slipped over the side and yodelled as the rope gave, hurtling him down and the thud at the bottom had Owen crying out in alarm "OH GOD Tell me he didn't land on him!"

"Yes, most likely" Ianto muttered to himself "headfirst!"

Then the Doctor was there with a second rope going over and they started to pull. Ianto looked around and wondered where the hell they were and how they even got here "Mother? Where are we?"

"Look. He's a clever little sod, clever and sly to beat the band. We tried keeping the door shut but he got in the damned TARDIS and would not get out, we were in there trying to tease him out with sweeties when he set off the flight controls and we wound up here. Of course she was angry and spat him out the moment we touched down and refused to move. Husband ws trying to cajole her into taking us all home, including him when Owen found the ball and they decided to play a bit. OK? Just a normal, every day accident!" she sighed "He gets bored so easily."

"Like … no baby eating plants here anyway" Ianto said in a snide voice and she rolled her eyes at the age old argument.

"Here he comes!" Owen sad as he reached over the edge, almost toppling in as he screamed "GIVE HIM TO ME GIVE HIM HERE!"

Owen then fell back cradling his little man, sobbing with relief as he hugged him and kissed his face "Daddy is so sorry. I love my little man oh Elvis … don't scare Daddy!"

"Elvis" Ianto said slowly then sighed.

Of course it was the bug. Traditionally in a litter the weakest bug is the runt and is the strangest, weird little one is to be abandoned. Predators likely kill those young within hours of their parentals leaving them behind. If Owen had not wanted him he would likely be left to fend for himself.

Instead of the cruel death of a Runt … Elvis is fast becoming Owen's mini-me and frankly people… it's alarming how big he is getting. In the two weeks the men have been gone in this timeframe (even if it is about six theirs) Elvis is the size of a two year old.

And looks at fucking crafty as one too.

He is starting to look humanoid … like Owen!

They assimilate.


End file.
